p>Matthew 19
1 – When Jesus had finished saying these things, He left Galilee and went into the region of Judea to the other side of the Jordan.
2 – Large crowds followed Him, and He healed them there.
3 – Some pharisees came to Him to test Him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?”
4 – “Haven’t you read,” He replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’
5 – and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh?’
6 – So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
7 – “Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”
8 – Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.
9 – I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
Malachi 2
16a – “I hate divorce,” says the Lord God of Israel.
Introduction:
We are in the midst-literally-of a brief series of sermons designed to equip us to provide Godly counsel to our friends. Last Sunday our study centered around helping friends who wrestle with TEMPTATION. Next week we’ll look to God’s Word for guidance in coming to the aid of friends who struggle to control their ANGER. And today our focus is on how to minister to friends who are going through a DIVORCE.
Now, before we begin, I think we must acknowledge the fact that in years past the church has not had a good track record when it comes to this particular form of ministry. In fact, there was a time not too long ago when many divorced people were “branded” by believers as unforgivable. This treatment has made them feel judged and unwelcome. Kenny Hibbert, contributor to Ministry Now writes,
“In the church that I grew up in, you could receive forgiveness for being a lying, stealing, drug abusing pimp and be made a leader in the church as a testimony of God’s grace and forgiveness. It didn’t matter what kind of ‘dirt bag’ you were in the past, or what you had done. You were now forgiven and a shining example of what God could do. But have the ‘SCARLET D’ on your resume, no matter when it happened or what the circumstances were, and you were confined to the back row-if you were let in relationally at all.”
Now, fortunately, it seems to me that things have gotten better in recent years. I may be overly optimistic but from my perspective, I would say that most Christians have become more forgiving and compassionate-more Christlike-when it comes to the ways they relate to people who go through a divorce. But in spite of our progress, the truth is we still struggle to know exactly HOW to minister to our friends who suffer through this incredibly painful experience. Many times we feel helpless-we want to help but we don’t know what to say or what to do and I hope my message this morning will help in some small way.
Now, before we go any farther let me remind you of my own experience. As I’m sure most of you know, I suffered through the pain of a divorce that occurred nearly 30 years ago. This is not a secret. I shared this with this church before I came on staff in 1990 and it was shared again before you voted to call me as your pastor a little over six years ago. I’ve also mentioned it in sermons from time to time-but as I was preparing this message I realized that it’s been quite some time since I did so and because of that and our high turnover rate, many of you may be ignorant of this part of my past, so, let me take a few minutes to describe my experience.
When I was a junior in college at the University of North Alabama in the mid ’70’s I did a very foolish thing. I got married. I describe this as foolish because at that time God communicated to me in numerous ways that this marriage was not His will. My parents were also against it and my close friends advised me not to take this step. But I ignored both them AND God’s still, small voice, and went through with the marriage anyway. And it was a disaster from the beginning. If you hear nothing else this morning-especially you teens and unmarried young adults-then hear this. It is always disastrous to ignore God’s guidance. His ways are ALWAYS best! My divorce was a relatively calm one in comparison to most marital break-ups. There was no court case, no alimony, no children. We were married less than a year. But even this “mild” divorce very nearly killed me. I’ve never suffered anything as painful as that experience of failure-and in hindsight I can see that God had tried to spare me that pain. If I had listened to Him and the people He sent to try and steer me clear of this mistake, I would have been spared a great deal of heartache. So-when God talks-when He lovingly guides you to do something or NOT to do something-LISTEN to Him.
Now, I want you to understand-there were many contributing factors to my divorce. We were both too young and immature. We had horrible schedules. I worked graveyard shift and we both went to school during the day. She worked most nights. But in hindsight I learned that the MAIN ISSUE was the fact that we did not share the dream of God’s call in my life. I mean she just did not want to be a minister’s wife. And-I must take some of the blame for that-I probably pushed her to embrace this way of life. It’s a wonderful life but a stressful one in many ways and it requires a very special spouse. In fact, I would say that a minister’s wife must feel called by God to this just as much as her husband. I am so very thankful to God for His giving me just such a help mate in Sue. We’ve been married nearly 25 years now and Sue is a perfect example of the fact that God’s guidance is worth following. Sue is my own personal proof that as James says, “every GOOD and PERFECT gift is from above.” I couldn’t be the minister I am without her godly companionship and insight not to mention her faithful committed love.
As I have alluded-I had nothing like this in my failed marriage. About six months into the marriage she left. I convinced her to come back. We got counseling. But a few months later I came home from work to find a note and an empty apartment. She had left and already filed for divorce. It was all over in a few weeks. My mother’s family who live in the area informed me that she re-married a few months later.
Now, I had been told that if my marriage failed, my ministry would be over so I submitted my resignation to my pastor, Steve Taylor, at Leighton Baptist where I served as minister of music and youth. But when I did this Steve refused to accept it. He told me he felt the church would not want me to resign-that they understood what had been going on. They had a specially called business meeting and voted 100% to ask me to stay and I did. I served there an additional year and then went off to seminary. About a year later I met Sue. I must say that I shall always be thankful for the Christians of Leighton Baptist Church. Without their confidence in me and the Christlike love they gave me I don’t know where I would be today. They were and are very special, godly, GRACE-DRIVEN people.
I’ve taken the time this morning to remind you of this part of my life so that you know that I am not ignorant or naive when it comes to this issue. I have felt both the pain that divorce brings and have also benefitted from the Christlike love and counsel of Christian friends who helped me get through it.
Now before we go any further, let me give you what I think are three essential attitudes that the church should have toward divorce-attitudes that are foundational to the rest of my message.
A. First, as Christians, we must hold HIGH the IDEAL of marriage.
God’s standard is that marriage is to be between one man and one woman for life. That’s the way He designed it. That’s the way it works. To ignore this and take a casual sinful attitude toward marriage is wrong. As God’s people we are called to remind our fallen culture how marriage is suppose to work. We are called to teach husbands and wives how to relate-how to grow through the inevitable hardship that comes in any marriage-how to experience God’s best a best that only comes in a life-long commitment to each other. Without our being “salt and light” in this way more and more people will suffer.
B. We must also acknowledge that sometimes there are complex situations in marriage due to the HARDNESS of people’s hearts that make divorce necessary.
The book of Deuteronomy tells us that God told Moses to permit people to get a divorce to provide protection for the innocent. Hard-hearted husbands were casually abandoning their wives for everything from getting a bad hair-do to burning their eggs in the morning. And so to protect women from a forced life on the streets-to make it possible for them to marry again-God said, to the Jewish people, “At least give them a writ of divorce.”
Well, in essence that same sort of thing goes on today because hearts are still hardened! I mean, what are you going to tell a person whose mate abandons them or is repeatedly unfaithful or is physically abusive or threatens the life of the children? There are times as Christians when we must acknowledge the fact that divorce may be the lesser of two evils.
C. And then third, I believe the church must practice ACCEPTANCE and FORGIVENESS to those who are already divorced.
Some people have been victimized by self-centered partners and they need the love and acceptance that only people who understand the grace of God can provide. Others have initiated the divorce. They were the offending partner-the adulterer or deserter-but they’ve repented and received the forgiveness of God and they need to be reinstated to full membership in the church. Others like me hardened their hearts to God’s guidance when it came to choosing a marital partner and that led to the failure of their marriage. The fact is, people on both sides of divorce need an arm of encouragement about their shoulder. They need the love of grace-driven people! Remember, Jesus was and IS the friend of sinners-and as His people-forgiven sinners ourselves-we must be the same.
Sermon:
Okay, with this in mind I want to talk now about HOW to minister to people who have been divorced or who are going through one. Here’s some basic things we can say to these people that I think will help.
1. First-and this is directed to people who are not yet divorced, but whose marriages are failing-we must urge them to RECONCILE if possible.
As I just said, sometimes due to the hardness of the heart of either the husband or the wife, the marriage is not salvageable-but the truth is many times we give up too easily. Remember, the prophet Hosea’s wife left him to pursue the life of a prostitute but God still told him to not quit on the marriage. In Hosea 3:1 Hosea himself says, “The Lord said to me, ‘Go show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods.”
We know that Hosea did this and that his wife returned and their marriage was saved. Maybe your friend’s mate has been unfaithful. Maybe they’ve concluded that because of this the relationship is dead-that there is no love left-and they’ve come to you for help. Well, they need to know that if BOTH parties give God the opportunity to heal, He can do exceedingly more than we ask or imagine. If both spouses are willing, God can make a way when there is no way.
In the early years of her marriage Rose Kennedy decided she had had enough of her high-rolling, woman-chasing husband Joe, and she left with their three children. She slammed the door and told him she was never coming back, and she went home to her parents. Her parents welcomed her for two months, and then her dad said, “Rosie, you need to go back to Joe. You made a commitment.” Rose Kennedy obeyed her father, went back to her husband, and lived with him until he died. And regardless of your politics you must admit that from that restored relationship there came a president, attorney general, and a United States senator.
We must tell our friends that if at all possible, They must try to make the marriage work. As Charles Swindoll points out, “There is something worse than living with your mate in disharmony and that is living with God in disobedience.”
Now, as I said, unfortunately many times saving the marriage is not an option-perhaps due to the fact that one party is not interested. Because of that, from this point on I want us to look at guidance and counsel we should provide to friends whose marriages have already failed-those times when divorce is final and they come to us for help. And the first thing we should tell them in painful situations like this, is that in order to heal-in order to grow from this painful experience they must first…
2. …REPENT of their sin.
Now, how many of you have ever heard the old cliche phrase, “It takes two to make a marriage and two to break one?” Well, I remember thinking that is not completely true. I mean it does take two to make a marriage and my experience showed that one partner can break it. One can abandon the other. But the more I’ve thought about that the more I’ve changed my mind. This old cliche IS valid because it does take two to break a marriage. You see, the truth is every DIVORCE is the product of two sinners because every MARRIAGE is the product of two sinners. All of us sin and fall short of the glory of God in everything we do, so when our marriages fail the first thing we need to do is honestly ask ourselves questions like this, “Where did I fall short? Was it when I married knowing it was not God’s will? Was it in anyway due to my own sinful immaturity? Was I as Christlike as I could have been? Did I try HARD enough…SELFLESSLY enough to make it work? Did I respond as Jesus would when I was mistreated? Have all my actions in the divorce been pleasing to God?”
The fact is both spouses play SOME part in the breaking up of a marriage. Your part may be 2% or 82%-it may have happened before the marriage broke up or your sin may have occurred in those painful months after as you tried to get back at the spouse who hurt you but whatever the percentage we need to confess it to God and grieve over it. Basically, before the healing we so desperately need can come, we must to pray, “God, open my eyes to my sin. Show me how I have fallen short in all this.” Only then can we ask for and receive His forgiveness and the healing and restoration that comes with it.
And please hear this. When we ask for God’s forgiveness, He gives it-so ACCEPT IT! As Romans 8:1 says,”There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” God doesn’t want the repentant sinner to feel GUILTY. He wants them to feel GRATEFUL. God will never remind you of forgiven sin-only the adversary does that. So when satan brings up the past-remind him that your sin is covered by the blood of the Lamb-that it is forgiven-and has been cast as far as the east is from the west!
The Bible gives us a few instances where due to the sin of one partner divorce is PERMISSIBLE but all divorce is FORGIVABLE. We limit the grace of God when we don’t accept the forgiveness that He so freely gives.
I remember in my own experience that most of my pain came from feeling that I had failed, thinking that perhaps a mistake this big was too big to be covered by the grace of God. And in the midst of this I read the life story of DAVE BOYER-a man who had sinned horribly against God and his family-but who repented and received God’s forgiveness. His theme song has become one of my favorites. Perhaps you are familiar with its words:
“Far dear-er than all that the world can impart was the message that came to my heart;
How that Jesus alone for my sin did atone and CALVARY COVERS IT ALL!
How matchless the grace when I looked on the face of this Jesus my crucified Lord
My redemption COMPLETE I then found at His feet, and CALVARY COVERS IT ALL!
Calvary covers it ALL, my past with its sin and stain; My guilt and despair Jesus took on Him there, and CALVARY COVERS IT ALL!”
If you’ve failed in this way-then hear the words of this song and KNOW that God’s Word teaches that Calvary DOES cover it ALL! When we repent of our sin, in God’s eyes you stand forgiven-righteous and pure!
3. And then, the third thing we can do to help our friends in times like this is to guide them to progress THROUGH the grief CYCLE.
You see in any time of grieving there is a cycle that takes an average of two years to complete.
This applies equally to those who are grieving the death of a LOVED ONE, or the death of a MARRIAGE. First there is DENIAL. “This can’t be happening to me. It will be okay tomorrow.” Then there’s the BARGAINING stage. “God, I’ll do this if you make this PAIN go away. I’ll do this if You’ll bring him back to me.” Then there’s the stage of ANGER. “How could God let this happen? How could my mate do this to me and our children?” Then there’s often a stage of PROLONGED DEPRESSION followed finally by acceptance and restoration and the ability to move on.
Now, in a very real sense the grief cycle that comes with divorce is more difficult to go through than death because there’s no real closure. I mean when someone dies there is a funeral. There’s a grave. There’s a visible ending. But in divorce it’s not like this-because often there continues to be a relationship with the former spouse especially when there is alimony or when children are involved. Well, as friends wanting to help, we need to recognize this cycle-and gently guide our friends through it.
You see, many times they’ll get stuck in one stage of the cycle. Sometimes they’ll hold on to their anger or their feelings of betrayal or they will stay in the depression period because they won’t accept God’s forgiveness. And in these times we need to lovingly prod them to move on-to put the past behind them.
This week I read about a support group for widows and widowers called, “The Next Chapter.”
This designation reflects their understanding that there is a time to close the previous chapter in life, one that may have good memories or bad ones or a mixture of the two but it’s time to close that one and open a NEW one. Well, sometimes we need to help our friends to understand that they can’t keep living in yesterday’s chapter. There comes a time when we say with Paul,
“Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:13-14)
4. Fourth, we need to encourage our divorced friends to allow TIME for HEALING.
As I said earlier, the pain of divorce is one of life’s deepest pains-and the DEEPER the pain the LONGER healing takes. I remember several years ago, when I was on staff at First Baptist Damascus, I was horsing around with some of the kids in my youth group and I foolishly leapt over some who were sitting at the top of a short flight of stairs. I thought it would be easy for me to clear them and land on the floor in front of them, three steps down. Well, I cleared them alright but I neglected to allow for the ceiling-which I hit and then slammed hard on the floor. I ended up with a big knot on the front of my head from hitting the ceiling another big knot on the back of my head when I hit the floor and an elbow injury. Of course all this DID entertain the teens-so it wasn’t a total waste-but my elbow hurt for years. Apparently I had chipped a bone or had a hairline fracture or something deep in the bone but it was sore for a long time. It was a deep wound and it took a long time to mend.
Well, divorce is something that wounds us deeply and can take years for us to heal emotionally. This is important to note because many times people who go through a divorce try to ease their pain and loneliness by dating or even re-marrying before the wound has healed before they have come to understand what led to their first divorce. Because of this haste they often end up making the same mistakes in the second marriage that they did in the first. We can prevent this by encouraging our friends to be patient-to allow time to get over their feelings of betrayal-or failure-to truly repent and renew their relationship with God. In fact I don’t think dating should even begin until the person has learned to be content being SINGLE if that is God’s will. They need to be “whole” spiritually and emotionally first.
I know single people who make themselves miserable because they are convinced that if they’re not married they’re unfulfilled, incomplete people. Well, I have also known married people who are miserable-because they ignored God’s loving guidance-and married before they were ready-and ended up in an even more painful situation. This reminds me of a man and his wife who were celebrating their 30th anniversary when she broke into tears. Her husband said,
“What’s wrong with you? Why are you always so emotional?
She said, “On our honeymoon, I remember being so mad at you that I said, ‘I could just kill you.’ You said, ‘If you do, you’ll go to jail for 30 years.'”
He said, “Honey, I forgave you for that a long time ago.” She said, “I know, but I just realized that if I had done it, today I would be a free woman!”
Well, the fact is many people who get divorced become IMPRISONED by the pain of continued marital mistakes-simply because they don’t wait for God’s perfect timing & the healing it brings.
5. And then a fifth bit of guidance that we often have to give is this. Many times we have to tell our friends that they must FORGIVE the spouse that hurt them.
You see unless they do they will NEVER heal so we must help them to see that no matter how bad they’ve been treated-no matter what their former spouse has done to them or their children-even if the former spouse hasn’t asked for forgiveness or won’t accept it-they still must forgive them. This is Jesus’ command to us-and like all of His commands-obeying this one benefits us. You see, people who refuse to forgive-people who entertain bitter thoughts and exhibit angry attitudes toward their former spouses-well they tend to turn into BITTER, ANGRY, JOYLESS people! This is what Proverbs 23:7 is getting at when it warns,”As a man thinks within himself, so he is.”
Unforgiving people become psychological hostages to their own hate. As Lee Strobel says, “They don’t hold a grudge as much as the grudge holds them.” In essence the RESENTMENT they harbor in their hearts makes it possible for their former spouse to CONTINUE to hurt them. You see RESENTMENT literally means, “to feel again.” An unforgiving, resentful attitude causes us to cling to the past, to relive it over and over again, picking at each fresh “scab’ so that the mental wound never heals. It is no wonder that Job 5:2 says,”To worry yourself to death with RESENTMENT would be a foolish, senseless thing to do.” (Living Bible)
The fact is, it’s impossible for you to really be free to get on with your life-it’s impossible for you to relate with total freedom to God, extended family members and friends-it’s impossible for you to do any of this-if you have hostility toxins flowing all through your body toward your former spouse.
Now, I know forgiveness is hard. I mean, when we have been hurt by another person our human nature makes us want to hurt right back. Our first inclination is to retaliate-to get even. And many divorced people do this-they lay awake at night thinking of ways to hurt the husband or wife who hurt them. But when they do this they only hurt ourselves. This reminds me of an old Amos and Andy radio sketch. Amos says, “I have a friend, and every time I see him he smacks me in the back and hits me hard. I’m getting tired of it. Next time I see him, I’m going to tape a stick of dynamite to my back. Then when he hit’s me he’ll blow his hand off.”
Now, if you have been hurt by your former spouse, don’t be like foolish old Amos. Instead of retaliating obey Jesus and forgive. Leave vengeance to the Lord. Forgive! Quit blaming your partner for everything that goes wrong in your life. Stop dragging him or her down in the eyes of your children and friends. Do yourself and your kids a favor and FORGIVE as God in Jesus has forgiven you!
6. And then here’s a sixth bit of guidance we often have to give: Draw near to GOD!
You see, many times those who are divorced withdraw from their relationship with our Heavenly Father. Perhaps they feel unforgivable because they’ve read texts like the one from Malachi and assume that since God hates divorce, He must hate them. Well, that’s not what this text teaches. God doesn’t hate the sinner. He hates the sin. He doesn’t hate the divorced. He hates divorce. He hates when people are betrayed and violated and hurt and used and then discarded. He hates it when children are left fatherless or motherless. He hates it when once-tender people are turned into bitter, angry people because of the wrongs that have been done to them by their selfish spouses. In short God hates divorce because He knows the pain that it causes His children. Parent’s don’t you hate the things that hurt your kids? Any moms or dads out there who love bullies? viruses? child abusers? No of course not.
Well we need to help our divorced friends understand the wonderful fact that God loves them-that their failed marriage in no way changes His desire to walk through life with us. In fact, God knows what it feels like to be divorced. I say this because in Jeremiah 3:8ff God is talking about the unfaithfulness of the Hebrew people and He says,
“I thought that after she (Israel) had done all this she would return to Me but she did not, and her unfaithful sister Judah saw it. [So] I gave faithless Israel her certificate of divorce and sent her away because of her adulteries.”
Did you hear that? God Himself has been divorced. He’s had to end a relationship because He was abandoned by the one He loved. He’s been mistreated. So He knows what divorced people feel. He knows the anger, the depression, the pain. He knows what you’ve been through-especially those of you who didn’t want a divorce but you got it anyway. We have a God Who can relate to our pain. So instead of running from God, we need to run to Him!
7. And then finally, we need to help our friends believe in a BRIGHT FUTURE.
The darkest time in my life were those months after my own experience. The pain of this failure was constantly on my mind. I couldn’t sleep and was plagued by nightmares. It was the deepest despair I have ever felt-knowing I had failed my family and my God in this way. I thought things would never get better. The future looked dark and grim. During those depressing months, I remember getting a card from George and Bunny Farmer. They had been my Sunday School teachers during my college years at my home church in Dover, Delaware. They were great at not only teaching the Bible but at living out its precepts. And in their card they wrote something that was just what I needed to hear. They said, “Hang in there Mark. You’re going to make it. The sun will shine again in your life!”
Well, many times we need to remind our friends who are going through a painful divorce of this fact-that it won’t always be this way! The days of darkness will one day end-as God promised in Joel 2:25,”He will repay us for the years the locusts have eaten.” And He has more than done that in my life. I was able to go on to seminary and graduate and serve God’s people in churches in Indiana and Delaware and Maryland. I listened to His still, small, voice and a few years later He guided me to Sue-and has given us three wonderful children and nearly 25 years of happy intensely fulfilling marriage. So the Farmers were right. The sun did shine again for me!
Many times the thing our friends need most-is for us to remind them that its not always going to be as bad as it is now-that they should hang in there because there is a bright future ahead. Isaiah 40:31 says,”Those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength. They will mount up with wings like eagles. They will run and not get tired. They will walk and not get weary.” Our divorced friends may feel like weary walkers now-but if they trust in the Lord and wait on Him a day will come when they will mount up with wings like eagles.
Let us pray:
Father God,
Thank You for Your grace-for the forgiveness that You freely offer us all. Help us to claim it and then respond to each other in light of it. Give us opportunities to be Your heart and hands to friends and their children who are still hurting from the wounds of divorce. Helps us to know the things we should say and do that will help keep them in the very center of Your will. Help us to acknowledge You in all life’s decisions-to let You direct our every path including the steps many of us need to take right now in response to this time of worship and study. I pray all these things in Jesus’ name. AMEN
Invitation:
As we stand and sing I invite you to come forward and share with me any decision God has laid on your heart. If you want me or a deacon to pray with you We’d be glad to or if you want to join this Grace-driven church family or to publicly profess your faith in Jesus Christ.
Won’t you come now as God leads?