Psalm 8:3-4
3 – When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, the moon and the stars, which You have set in place,
4 – What is MAN that You are mindful of him, the son of man that You care for him?
You know one of the most popular types of movie made these days is the SEQUEL. Video rental stores have shelves full of them. Walk into BLOCKBUSTER and you’ll see, Home Alone next to Home Alone 2 and even Home Alone 3. A few aisles over I would recommend that you check out Star Trek: The Motion Picture or any one of it’s 8 excellent sequels! You can rent, Honey I Shrunk the Kids, Honey I Blew Up the Kids, and Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves. And the list is endless for…sequels and even pre-quels are big business these days in Hollywood! This is because with a sequel, studios can continue to generate huge profits using the same basic plot, the same special effects, the same costumes, and even the same actors.
And I guess you could say that today’s sermon is a sequel of sorts: same actor-me (actually I’m playing myself), same costume (I think I wore this suit on Mother’s Day), same level of special effects-none, and the same basic plot.
Now if you are a guest this morning, let me explain what’s I’m talking about. Six weeks ago, on Mother’s Day, I preached a sermon entitled, What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women. I used information gleaned from a survey that we conducted here at Redland in which I asked wives, “What do you wish your husbands knew about you?” Well, in the same survey we asked husbands the “flip side” of that question, “What do YOU wish your wives knew about you?” And so today is the “sequel,” the “Part 2” to the first sermon on this subject of husbands and wives understanding each other.
Today, we’ll be dealing with the important task of understanding men. I decided to focus on the unique characteristics of men today, for this is FATHER’S DAY…the day when dad’s are being honored all across the United States. You know, a teacher once asked her class of elementary age students to tell her the difference between Mothers’ Day and Father’s Day. And one little boy raised his hand and said, “Well, they are just about the same….except you don’t have to spend as much money for your dad’s present!”
Now, as this little boy alluded in his comment, men and women ARE different. Some of the differences have nothing to do with gender – but others do. As I said six weeks ago, God intentionally made men and women different both inside and out and the adventure of discovering your spouse’s unique qualities and characteristics brings a great deal of joy to marriage.
Now, it is important to say, as we begin, that if we were to list our differences side by side, one list would not be right and the other wrong. These differences are complimentary and God-given. They can bring balance and depth and exhilaration to any marriage relationship. But, while it is exciting to try and understand each other, it can also be frustrating. I think many women have frequently asked the question found in verse four of today’s text: “What IS Man?”
And the fruit of their frustration is often humor — at men’s expense. I read this week that if women were in charge of the world, all men would have to attend the following seminars: * How to NOT Act Younger Than Your Children PMS – Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut Filling The Ice Trays 101 Parenting-It Doesn’t End with Conception Garbage-Getting It To The Curb The Remote Control-Overcoming Your Dependence
And guys we have to admit that sometimes we deserve this kind of criticism. I heard of a 911 operator in Joliet, Illinois who received a frantic telephone call. A man was shouting on the phone, “My wife is trying to have a baby and the contractions are two minutes apart!” The 911 operator responded, “Is this her first child?” And the man responded, “NO, you idiot, this is her husband!”
As I said six weeks ago, it is important for husbands and wives to commit to understand their differences because we are commanded to do so in God’s Word. I Corinthians 7:3 says, “A man should fulfill his duty as a husband and a woman should fulfill her duty as a wife and each should satisfy the other’s needs.” And, I Peter 3:7 says, “You husbands likewise live with your wives in an understanding way.”
But this is also important because the secret of intimacy in marriage is in understanding each other’s unique needs and committing to meet them. When we selfishly don’t care about each other’s needs, marriage is a painful thing instead of the blessing God intended.
So let’s begin by reminding ourselves of some of the general differences between men and women: First of all, men tend to be more visually-oriented than women who tend to be more auditory.
I remember our former pastor and his wife, Brian and Faye telling about a time the taught a seminar at a Fall Festival of Marriage on the subject of sex and marriage. They advertised their class by saying, if you come to our seminar, we will show you our primary sexual organs. And when hundreds of husbands and wives showed up, Brian pointed to his eyes and said, “Here are my primary sexual organs.” and Faye pointed at her ears and said, “Here are mine!” Also, men are usually focused on one thing at a time while women can be multi-focused . . . which is why our wives expect us to be able to watch TV and engage in conversation at the same time! And then….here’s another difference-Men tend to seem to care less about relationships than women. This showed up in a couple responses to this survey: When asked, “What do you wish your wives knew about you?” one Redland husband said, “less” — and another wrote, “She already knows too much.” I think these men were using humor to say, “Relationships are hard for us to deal with. Let’s just leave things be.” And speaking as a man, I can say that it IS hard to reveal one’s true self. It’s risky to let someone inside so they see the real you. Like anything else that is worthwhile, meaningful intimacy comes with a price.
And then, here are some other unique characteristics of men….According to recent article in MEN’S HEALTH magazine the typical man…. * …will produce about 25 feet of hair in his lifetime but one in five will go bald in their 20’s. …retains about 60 percent of his body weight in water and will produce up to a half gallon of sweat daily. Even though man is not faster than any animal on earth, he can outrun any other species for long distances. He consumes 2,400 calories per day and his body is so efficient that if he ran on gasoline, he would get 900 miles per gallon. The typical male is married and would marry his spouse again. He cries about once a month, approximately one fourth as often as a woman and he usually tries to hide it. He eats his corn on the cob in circles rather than straight across-check that one out next time you serve that entre’!
In his book, Understanding the Man in Your Life, H. Norman Wright adds, “Men snore more…they fight more…they change their minds more often than women do…their blood is redder…their daylight vision is superior…..they have thicker skins and longer vocal chords. Their metabolic rate is higher…more of them are left-handed…they feel pain less than women…..They age earlier but wrinkle later….their immunity against disease is weaker…they talk about themselves less, but worry about themselves more.” Dr. James Dobson says there is strong evidence indicating that even the “seat” of emotions in a man’s brain is “wired” differently than in a woman’s.
So — men are different than women!
And I think that on the whole men want their wives to at least realize this difference. One Redlander wrote on his survey “I wish my wife knew how and why we are wired differently”
Another husband said on his survey that he wished his wife, “…would not just know me but better understand me.” And these men are wanting the right things for misunderstanding each other causes so many problems when our marriages begin. What usually happens is that a husband, knowing HIS deepest needs, figures his wife has those same needs.
So he enthusiastically goes at it — trying to meet the deepest needs he thinks she has. The wife knows HER deepest needs and she figures her husband must have the same needs and so with all her might she tries to meet the her needs in him. This only leads to frustration. They accuse each other of being selfish…and say things like, “You won’t meet MY needs…You won’t do what I need. You won’t take care of ME.” But often at the beginning of marriage it’s not so much selfishness as it’s ignorance.
So one goal in presenting these two messages is to begin to build bridges of understanding between husbands and wives. Six weeks ago we hopefully built a one-lane bridge leading from husbands to wives and this week I hope to double it’s size by adding a lane going the other way — from wives to husbands.
So,what DO husbands wish their wives knew about men? Well, first off I think we would want to dispel the myth that says that a man’s only needs are PHYSICAL. This misconception has led us to say things like, “the way to a man’s heart is through his STOMACH.” I believe that husbands would say that this philosophy expresses a very shallow opinion of a man. For, deep down in side we have the same types of needs as our wives. Last month I said that women have emotional, relational, and spiritual needs and I think husbands would have to say, “We do too.” but in a different — male-oriented way. Let me explain what I mean. Wives….just like you, we have…
1. ….EMOTIONAL NEEDS…
Now this may be hard to believe. Studies show that women tend to be more emotionally open than men….and I think women ARE more comfortable with their emotions. But REAL men do have REAL emotional needs. It is just that it is harder for most men to express them. Women tend to see feelings and behavior as the same. They act on their feelings. If a woman is angry, she behaves in that way. If she is elated, it’s expressed in her behavior. Usually a woman’s behavior is an open window to her emotions. But most men are not that way. They tend to hide their emotions. Men tend to embrace the philosophy that says that real men….macho men…are MEN OF STEEL…always in control of their emotions. Hence the popularity of statements like, “REAL MEN don’t cry.” or jokes like “How many REAL MEN does it take to change a light bulb?” “Zero-because REAL MEN aren’t afraid of the dark!”
For Better or Worse is one of my favorite cartoon strips in the Sunday funnies. And a couple years ago it featured the teenage son and his date. They were walking along the beach looking at a beautiful sunset. Thought bubbles from the boy showed him thinking things like…. “What an extraordinary evening…the sunset is brilliant…and I am walking with the most beautiful girl in the world. It’s as if this night was made for us! I’ll never forget it as long as I live…” That’s what he thought but then he turned to his girl and said, “I’m hungry. Want to go grab a burger?” And in great feminine frustration she replied, “Oh Michael, you’re so Unromantic!!!” Well, he wasn’t unromantic….the sunset caused a great emotional, romantic response in this young man but he just didn’t know how to express it…communicate it…
So, the truth is men are very emotional…we are deeply moved by music and beauty! WIVES, like you, we also have a deep need both to love and feel loved. And I think I speak for all my fellow husbands when I say that the love that is most precious to us, other than God’s love, is your love.
We can relate to King Solomon who wrote to his wife in his Song of Songs, chapter 1, verse 1, and said “…your love is more delightful than wine.” One Redland husband wrote on his survey that he wished his wife knew…“That he loved her with all his heart and soul.” Another said, it is important to him that his wife: “…understand how very deeply he loves her and enjoys it when she is happy and how sad he is when she is sad or hurting.” We men may not admit it — except anonymously on church surveys — because it is so hard for us to do so without tripping over our own feet, but we have emotional needs. One husband wrote I wish my wife knew “What makes me laugh….what makes me cry.” The love of our wives is very important to us! In fact your love for us is a power source upon which we draw every day.
In the current issue of HOMELIFE magazine there is a story about Dr. Scott Beck, a survivor of an ill-fated Mount Everest ascent. As a result of his ordeal on the world’s tallest mountain, Beck’s nose had to be reconstructed and a metal prosthesis took the place of one of his hands.
His other hand is now weblike-the lasting results of a frostbitten nightmare on that relentless, whirling mountain of ice. Several of Beck’s friends died in that climb. But he says the thing that kept him going….the thing that made him get up when everyone else had pronounced him dead was the clear and sweet and poignant memory of his wife. He desperately wanted to hold her and his children in his arms again. That emotional need and the hope of it’s fulfillment is literally all that kept him going.
In his book, Man’s Search For Meaning, Victor Frankl shared the account of his time in a concentration camp during World War II. He says that one particularly chilling night he and the other exhausted prisoners were forced to walk through snow to work the frozen ground with pickaxes until morning. Though few words were spoken, one of the emaciated men whispered, “If our wives could see us now! I do hope they are better off in their camps and don’t know what’s happening to us.” Silence followed the man’s remark, but Frankl writes, “…each of us was thinking of his wife…..I looked at the sky where the stars were fading and the pink light of the morning was beginning to spread behind a dark bank of clouds. But my mind clung to my wife’s image, imagining it with an uncanny acuteness. I heard her answering me, saw her smile, her frank and encouraging look. Real or not, her look was then more luminous than the sun which was beginning to rise. I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved.”
Tragically, along with six million other loved ones, Frankl’s young wife died under the Nazi’s cruel regime. But Frankl broke the odds and lived (only 1 of 28 prisoners survived those death camps). He survived to share his insights about the things that give life meaning even when all human dignities and basic comforts have been stripped away. Next to an abiding faith in God, Frankl says the love of their wives gave men strength to rise from their crowded cots and face another pain-filled day. You see, contrary to popular opinion, men do have emotional needs….they need to feel loved by their wives if they are to go out and “slay the dragon” each Monday morning. We husbands may not face Nazi prison camps…we may not fight for our lives on Everest. But as Thoreau put it men live “…lives of quiet desperation” as they face the hopelessness and exhaustion and a hard-edged world week in and week out. We have emotional needs. We need our wives to love us so well that the memory of your smiling faces and your encouragement will keep us going in the face of adversity. An old Sanskrit poem sums this up well.
Although I conquer all the earth, Yet for me there is only one city.
In that city there is only one house; And in that house, one room only;
And in that room, a bed — And one woman sleeps there,
The shining joy and jewel of all my kingdom.
So, wives….we want you to know — what you probably already know, thanks to that wonderful intuition that God gave you….we want you to know that we have emotional needs. And we would also want you to understand that, believe it or not just like you, we have…
2. …..RELATIONAL NEEDS…
Now,it IS true that women tend to be better at relationships than men….someone once said, “women enjoy relationships while men enjoy results.” We have relational needs….it is just that they are hard for us to deal with. It’s like a conversation Tim Allen once had with his TV wife, Jill, on ABC’s Home Improvement. He said, “Men have an extra ‘Y’ chromosome.” “So?” replied Jill. “So…..men are always asking WHY do we always have to talk about relationships?” I think most men are like Tim. Relationships, and talking about them, is uncomfortable for us. Part of this relational discomfort stems from the fact that men aren’t as vocally-gifted as women. I read this week that men use about 5,000 words in one day while women use 20,000.
Well, when a man reaches his “word limit” he stops…..it’s like fishing! And it is difficult to develop a relationship with this kind of communication handicap. One Redland husband wrote, I wish my wife knew: “How deeply I desire to please her in every aspect of life; and how difficult it is without doing something irritating.” Like this husband, many men tend to avoid relationships for fear of failure and when this happens the marriage suffers.
You know I think that wives tend to think, “The marriage is working as long as we can talk about it.” But husbands think, “The relationship is not working if we have to keep talking about it.” Husbands and wives are different in this way….one doesn’t talk about feelings much and the other shares them easily and freely. H. Norman Wright offers a solution to this dilemma. He says, “A woman does not have to resign herself to living with an unexpressive male…..Men can change. But, challenges or reproaches do not work. Carefully worded invitations do. Men respond to questions which elicit factual responses. It’s easier for a man to tell his wife what he does at work than how he feels about it….starting with the facts is an introduction to the feelings.” But please hear this word of caution. Wright also points out that a man may finally open up to a women only to find that what he reveals is shared with others, ridiculed, rejected, and even laughed at. And if this happens, he is not likely to be willing to talk about things like this in the future. Remember safety, acceptance, and support are essential if a man is going to let down the bridge of his castle and share his feelings.
Wives should also know that men develop relationships in a different way than women. Women tend to make friends based on shared feelings with another person whereas men do so on the basis of shared activities. A man’s best buddy is often the friend from work who loves golf as much as he does. They are friends because they enjoy doing the same things together.
So wives, if it seems like your relationship with your husband is a little rocky, I would advise making an extra effort to do things to BE WITH your husband. Learn to play golf or to fish or to crab or to play chess…find something you and your husband can DO together and I believe this will go a long way to help fulfill both of your relational needs. Just don’t buy into the myth that says that men don’t have relational needs. Nothing could be farther from the truth. In fact, men need relationships. We are designed to be incomplete without them. Remember? In Genesis God said, “It is not good for man to be alone.” And Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!”
So men DO have relational needs….we need the affirmation and encouragement that relationships provide. We are designed to require a help-mate — someone in life to believe in us….to encourage us. One Redland husband expressed this need when he wrote, I wish my wife knew “…how important her affirmation is to me.” Ephesians 5:33 says, “Let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him and esteems him and that she defers to him, praises him, loves and admires him exceedingly.” Wives, husbands need you to be their cheerleader…their one-woman fan club….they need a relationship with you in which they feel your confidence and trust.
Now of course everyone needs to hear encouraging words….but men especially need this. Women tend to joke about the fragile male ego…but it is no joke….our egos are fragile and of all people, we need to hear words of encouragement from you. You see, since this is a broken down world, much of what men hear at work is not encouraging. Every day they deal with pessimism, anger, worries, and insecurity. The words of Proverbs 12:25 are so true these days, “An anxious heart weighs a man down but a kind word cheers him up.” Did you hear of the salesman who had been away from home an entire week? Homesick and worn out, he went into a café for some breakfast. The waitress came to take his order and he said, “I want two scrambled eggs, coffee, and a kind word.” She brought him his eggs and coffee and he said, “Now, how about that kind word?” She looked at him and said, “Don’t eat those eggs.” Men need kind words…affirming words.
No man is an island. We need relationships. Where did we get this idea of “every man for himself”? This silly rugged individualism isolates a man from his spouse and friends who can provide the help and encouragement we all need.
So men, don’t buy into the LONE RANGER philosophy that says, “Real men don’t need anyone-except maybe their horse.”
So, men have emotional needs; they have relational needs and then, they also have….
3. …..SPIRITUAL NEEDS..
Both women AND men have an inborn need to know God personally. We are not just physical beings. We are also mind and spirit.
So not only do we have physical needs….we have spiritual needs as well. It is part of WHO and WHAT we are! The problem with husbands….men….is that in an attempt to provide for their families they often get so busy in their careers that they forget this truth. Men tend to fall into the trap of drawing their identity and significance from what they DO. You see, to a man, what he does often determines who he is. When asked to introduce themselves men say, “I…am a fireman, or a doctor or an accountant, or a software engineer, or a carpenter, or a dentist, or a plumber, or a pastor.” But tackling life in this way can be quite frustrating. For, each of us are so much more than what we do. One Redland husband wrote on his survey, I wish my wife understood .“…..The pain of trying to be a good family man AND a good provider. The guilt of trying to take care of priorities that are in conflict with each other.”
Now, of course men should work…but our work should not define who we are. In fact, Norman Wright says, “Who am I is the wrong question. The right question is ‘Where am I in relation to God Himself.’ Many men hearing this take their task-oriented male perspective and begin asking, ‘Then what can I start DOING for God?’ And again this is the wrong question. It is not DOING things for God. It is simply being WITH Him. Being with Him is the purpose of our life.”
Men need to learn that, as DCTALK used to sing, “It’s not who you are…it’s Who you know” that satisfies the real needs in our lives. You see, being task-oriented….career-oriented…can lead us to become self-oriented and that is not how we were designed! We have spiritual needs that are not met in a career.
So men need to learn to turn from living for self to living for and with God. We should heed the words of Paul in Galatians 2:20 who said, “I myself no longer live, but Christ lives in me.
So I live my life in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.” You see, being career-oriented and the earthly success that often comes from this lifestyle choice can make a man think he doesn’t need God. He can become like millionaire Ted Turner who, referring to Jesus once said, “I don’t need anyone to die for me.” Men who fall into this trap should heed the warning given by the prophet Jeremiah who said, “Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord.” (Jeremiah 17:5 ) They should hear the words of Jesus in Matthew 23 when He said, “Woe to you men who think you have all the answers!” We don’t have all the answers! We need the wisdom and guidance that comes from a relationship with God.
You know, perhaps this tendency to think we have all the answers and rely on self instead of God is why the suicide rate for men is two and a half times that of women. Maybe this is why the incidence of stress-related diseases such as high blood pressure, stroke, and heart disease is two to four times higher for men than women. One man, fearing burnout, went to his counselor who immediately urged him to do less work. “Furthermore,” the counselor continued, “I want you to spend one hour each week at the cemetery.” “What on earth do you want me to do that for?” the man replied incredulously. “What should I DO at the cemetery?” “Not much,” the counselor replied. “Take it easy, and look around. Get acquainted with some of the men already in there and remember, they didn’t finish their work either.” So men, we need to learn to walk with God…to depend on Him….to draw our significance in life not from WHAT WE DO but from Who we know. In Jeremiah 17:7 it says, “Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him.”
A great violinist once visited Houston, Texas, to hold a concert. The news papers used most of their available space to describe his original, and extremely valuable Stradivarius violin. On the morning of the concert, the papers actually carried a picture of the great instrument that he would use. That night the hall filled with people, and the violinist played extremely well. As he finished, applause thundered from every part of the concert hall. After it subsided, he carefully laid down his bow and carried a chair out to center stage. Then…raising the violin over his head with both hands, he smashed it across the back of the chair. It splintered into a thousand pieces. The audience gasped and sat stunned. Then, coming back to the microphone, he said, “I read in this morning’s paper how great my violin was, so I walked down the street and found a pawnshop. For $10 I bought a cheap violin. I put new strings on it, and that’s the violin I played this evening, the smashed one. I wanted to demonstrate for you that it isn’t my violin that counts most. It’s the hands that hold it.”
Likewise, successfully living as a Christian male depends less on the instrument (body) and more on the One who holds us. Manhood is not found in physical abilities, personality, behavior, charisma, talent , intelligence, performance, or profession. Real manhood is found in the inner man who commits to being filled with the Holy Spirit. I love the response one Redland husband had on his survey. I think he understood this truth. He said, ‘I wish my wife knew that I want her to pray for me whenever she thinks of me.
Specifically, that I become:More intimate in my fellowship with the Lord, That I become a better husband and father, and that I develop a better witness to The Truth.‘
So,after this sermon and it’s pre-quel I think we see that husbands and wives are similar and different. Both men and women have emotional, relational, and spiritual needs. But, due to their unique design, those needs must be met in different ways. I encourage you this morning as husbands and wives to commit to understanding these differences. And I promise you….there is a great amount of joy waiting for husbands and wives who make this kind of commitment. Paul Tournier wrote, “He who loves understands, and he who understands loves. One who feels understood feels loved, and one who feels loved feels sure of being understood…..no one can develop freely in this world and find a full life without feeling understood by at least one person.”
You know, the wonderful truth is that all of us are understood by the One who matters most. In fact, the One who knows us best is God….and He loves us the most. And we close by inviting you to respond to His love in some way.