Exodus 20
12 – “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.”
There is a famous legend pertaining to the untimely end of England’s Richard III who was defeated at the battle of Bosworth Field in 1485 by Henry, Earl of Richmond. The story goes that on the morning of the battle Richard sent a groom to make sure his favorite horse was ready.
Well apparently the blacksmith had used most of his iron in shoeing the horses for the rest of Richard’s arm and when he told the groom he would need time to get more iron, he was told there was no more time….that he would have to make due with the little iron that he had on hand.
Well he busily fashioned four shoes and began to fasten them to the feet of the King’s horse but when he began to nail on the fourth and final shoe he realized that he was one nail short. He again asked for time to get more iron and make another nail but was told there was no time and so King Richard rode into battle on a horse that was one nail short of a full set.
Well, the armies clashed and Richard of course was in the thick of the battle. He rode up and down the field, cheering his men and fighting his foes. At one point he looked across to the opposite end of his line and noticed that some of his men were falling back from the battle…so he spurred his horse and galloped toward the broken line, calling on his soldiers to turn and fight. He was only halfway across the field when one of his horse’s shoes flew off — guess which one! Well, the horse stumbled and fell throwing Richard to the ground and before he could grab the reins, the frightened animal rose and galloped away. Richard looked around him and saw that his soldiers were turning and running and that Henry’s troops were closing in around him. Then he supposedly uttered that famous Shakespearian line, “A horse! A Horse! My kingdom for a horse!” But there was not horse to be had…his army had fallen to pieces and what few troops remained were too busy trying to save themselves. A moment later Henry’s soldiers were upon Richard and the battle was over. And since then people have said,
“For want of a nail, a shoe was lost….for want of a shoe, a horse was lost…
For want of a horse, a battle was lost….for want of a battle a kingdom was lost…
And all for the want of a nail.”
I guess the moral of this story is that duties neglected, even little ones, often bring great downfalls.
And this is a good principle for us to remember — because life’s experiences prove that many times if we fail in one area, other areas suffer as well. Some precepts in life are foundational and without adhering to them our lives crumble around us just as the battle crumbled around poor Richard III. This principle is clearly seen in today’s text for if we don’t get our relationship with our parents right we are not likely to get the other relationships in life right either. If our family ties are weak then other relational ties will be weak as well. Even the sequence of the ten commandments underscores this truth. Look in your Bibles and you’ll see what I mean. The first four commands basically tell us how we are to relate to God. Then the fifth commandment tells us how we are to relate to our parents. And the five that follow tell us how we are to relate to our fellow man.
So, this command about honoring parents is placed squarely in the center of these two categories of commands. If you had the Ten Commandments written evenly spaced on a sheet of binder paper and folded it in half, top to bottom, the fifth commandment would be right at the fold. I don’t think this was an accident for these words are central to the other commands and even to life itself. Our obedience to this command affects everything about your life and mine. Just as the fifth commandment would appear at the fold of the piece of paper so it also appears at the fold of our lives. You see in many ways our destiny hinges on how we respond to this command. It affects our future. It affects how we process the past. It affects our right now. Healthy relationships in the home affect all of our lives. This is true because the home is really “a laboratory for living.” It is within the home that each of us develop our formative character traits. This is where we all learn to discipline ourselves where we develop our moral code. One learns, or fails to learn how to live harmoniously within society in his or her home. Edith Schaeffer wrote a book entitled, What Is A Family? and in it she says, that, “…a family is a perpetual relay of truth…it is a place where principles are hammered and honed on the anvil of everyday living….where character traits are sculptured under the watchful eyes of moms and dads…where steel-strong fibers are woven into the fabric of inner constitutions.” In today’s PARADE magazine there is an article about Marian Wright Edelman, founder of The Children’s Defense Fund. Mrs. Edelman has been called our nation’s leading advocate for children. The article quotes this amazing Christian woman as saying, “I do what I do because my parents did what they did and were who they were….I learned God’s caring by watching my parents care for me and my sister and brothers and for others in our community….I learned that I could do more than complain about the wrongs in the world from my parents….In 1984 I went home for my mother’s funeral and an elderly man asked me what I did for a living. I told him I do exactly what my parents did.”
Well, since this fifth tender command IS so foundational….we need to understand it. We must have it clearly imprinted in our minds both WHY and HOW we should honor our parents-because so much of life depends on it. Let’s begin with the WHY…
1. ….what is it that should motivate us to honor our father and our mother? What reasons are there for us to obey this commandment?
A. Well, the FIRST reason we should obey this and all these laws is because they are God’s COMMANDMENTS to us.
These are not suggestions….they are commands that God has given.
And if we love Him…if we worship Him as our God, then we will do what He says. I John 5:3 says, “This is love for God: to obey His commandments.” We should also note that Jesus honored this commandment. He was 33 when He was crucified on the cross for the sins of all mankind and his first 30 years he spent in His hometown. That means that He Who was the Savior of the world spent ten elevenths of His life in a village home. Tradition teaches us that Joseph, Mary’s husband died young…so Jesus, the eldest son, His mother’s first-born, took upon Himself the burden of the support of Mary His mother, and of His younger half brothers and sisters. He faithfully and dutifully discharged His duties to His home and to His mother and apparently did not begin His earthly ministry until His half-siblings were old enough to take over.
In Johns’ gospel we find Him still thinking of His mother as He hung on the cross….passing on the responsibility for her care to John the Apostle.
So Jesus HONORED His mother and His father and He commands us to do the same.
B. But a second reason to obey this fifth commandment is out of shear gratitude.
We honor our parents for the simple reason that they have done so much for us — starting at the very beginning of our lives. You know all animal babies are somewhat defenseless at birth but a human infant is dependent upon adults for nurture longer than any animal. The moment we popped into this world they kept us warm and fed us and protected us and many years passed until we were old enough to care for ourselves — so of course we should be grateful! Think of the financial burden that parents bear for their children over the years. Statistics show that from birth through college graduation it costs – on the average – $205,000 to raise, feed, clothe, and educate a child….and more if they live in Montgomery County, Maryland!
So one reason we honor our parents is because they have done so much for us: they bought and cleaned our clothes. They made sure we got all the necessary inoculations and check-ups. They gave us a home and three nutritious meals a day. They provided us with transportation and counseled us when we had a problem. Jack Moore tells the story of a boy who was talking to a friend at school. He said, “I’m really worried.” And his friend asked, “What are you worried about?” He said, “My dad works hard to provide for the needs of our home. Mom washes the clothes, prepares the meals, and keeps the house clean.” His friend said, “Well, what in the world are you worried about?” The boy replied, “I’m afraid they might try and ESCAPE!”
We owe our parents a huge debt of gratitude. They deserve our honor! We have benefitted in life so very much due to their sacrifices on our behalf. Listen to some of JOHN MAXWELL’s observations about the parents of Baby Boomers like me: While cutting the work day by a third, the generation before us more than doubled the per capita output of our country. These are the people who have given us a healthier world than they found. Because of this, we no longer have to fear many epidemics such as flu, typhus, diphtheria, small pox, scarlet fever, measles, mumps, polio, and others. In just five decades, life expectancy increased approximately 50 percent. These remarkable people lived through history’s greatest depression…I’m talking about a REAL depression.
Many of these people know what it’s like to be poor and hungry and cold. They determined that it would never happen to us; we would have a better life. We would have food to eat, milk to drink, vitamins to nourish our bodies, and warm homes, better schools, and a great opportunity to succeed. Because they gave us the best, we are the tallest, healthiest, brightest, and probably the best-looking generation ever to inhabit the earth. Because they worked hard, we work fewer hours, learn more, have more leisure time, travel to more distant places, and have more of a chance to follow our life’s ambition. These people fought the ugliest wars. They defeated the tyranny of Hitler, and when it was all over, had enough compassion to send billions of dollars to help their former enemies rebuild their homeland. Representatives of these generations developed the highest court system and fought racial discrimination and began a new era of civil rights. They have had some failures. They’ve not yet found an alternative for war or a perfect cure for racial hatred. But they have made more progress by the sweat of their brow than any previous generation.
So of course we should honor our parents! Of course we should respect them. Each generation should honor it’s parents. We owe so much to those who have gone before us!
C. And then….another reason we should honor our parents is so that we can avoid their mistakes.
When we started this study I pointed out that God gave us these commands both to protect us and to provide His best for us and we can certainly see this principle in this fifth command. Because honoring our parents is good for us. This morning in Sunday School you will study [studied] Deuteronomy 5,6 where God reminds the people of Israel of the ten commandments after they had wandered for 40 years. And in Deuteronomy 5:29 God said to them, “Oh, that their hearts would be inclined to fear me and keep all my commands always, so that it might go well with them and their children forever!” All of these laws are given for our benefit-and this fifth one is no exception.
Now the word “HONOR” literally means “a heavy weight.” So this command says that we are to count “heavy” our parent’s words…their advice…their guidance. Honoring one’s parents is to measure their value as having “great weight” like the way scales were used to determine the value of gold ore-the more it weighed-the more it was worth. On the other hand, the word, “DISHONOR” means “to be light, swift, trifling.” It would be used to describe a child that treats his parents lightly, as if they have no significance.
So we honor our parents by realizing how valuable their guidance is and it IS valuable after all, they are more experienced travelers on the road of life than we are. They have “been there, done that, bought the T-shirt” so to speak….they’ve made mistakes that we can avoid if we “tap into” their experience. We can gain truth that is literally life-saving from our parents’ hard-earned knowledge. Think about it….No society would function very long if each generation had to start over when it comes to learning how to live. Perhaps this is why God promises that if we obey this commandment “we will live long in the land that He is giving us.” No wonder Proverbs 1 warns, “LISTEN my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.” A parent’s wisdom IS heavy…it IS valuable…so we shouldn’t take it lightly. We can then learn from their mistakes rather than our own. You know….
I remember a time when I was a teen and my parents were trying to give me advice on some issue and I remember responding by saying, “Well, mom and dad I love you and thanks for the advice…..but you see, I need to learn from my own mistakes.” What a dumb thing to say! Why learn from my own mistakes when it is much less painful to learn from theirs! I know NOW that it is always best to honor their experience.
I’ve learned to count as “heavy” their advice because I know it has come out of agonizing experiences that I can avoid if I want to. One of my favorite STAR TREK episodes was when Captain Picard and his crew found themselves caught in a “time loop.” They kept re-living the same things and in the end the ship would blow up and then it would start all over. They finally realized that they were making the same mistakes over and over again and the only way out of the “time loop” was for them to not repeat the same errors. And by honoring our parents we keep each generation from making the same mistakes over and over and over again we prevent a “time loop” of sorts.
Okay,let’s review….WHY should we honor our parents?
- Because God commands us to do so…
- Out of gratitude for all we owe them…and…
- So that we can learn from their mistakes and not our own….
Now, before we get into answering HOW we should honor our parents I think we should note that…honor is a two-way street.
D. In other words, parents must be worthy of the honor of their children.
This commandment was given to a community where children were of the utmost importance. Sons and daughters were considered a form of wealth. In Old Testament times a person without children was considered incomplete….destitute.
So this commandment called for children to honor their parents but it was assumed that these parents would also honor their children. And one way parents do this is by taking seriously their God-given responsibility to turn their sons and daughters into responsible, mature people. In essence a parents job is to work themselves out of a job. We discipline our kids so they will become self-disciplined and will no longer need us!
Proverbs 23:13-14 says, “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.” Withholding the necessary discipline from our children is like sitting back and watching them head for destruction. In his book, The Lord’s Creed, Dr. George Ingle quotes a circular issued by the police department of Houston, Texas entitled:
FOR PARENTS-HOW TO MAKE A CHILD INTO A DELINQUENT
TWELVE EASY RULES Begin at infancy to give the child everything he wants. In this way, he will grow up to believe the world owes him a living. When he picks up bad language, laugh at him. This will make him think he’s cute. Never give him any spiritual training. Wait until he is 21, and then let him “decide for himself.” Avoid the use of the word, “WRONG.” It may develop a guilt complex. This will condition him to believe later, when he is arrested for stealing a car, that society is against him and that he is being persecuted.
Pick up everything he leaves lying around: books, shoes, clothes. Do everything for him so that he will be experienced in throwing all responsibility on others. Let him read any printed matter he can get his hands on. Be careful that the silverware and drinking glasses are sterilized, but let his mind feast on garbage. Quarrel frequently in the presence of your children. In this way they will not be too shocked when the home is broken up later. Give a child all the spending money he wants. Never let him earn his own. Why should
he have things as tough as you had them? Satisfy his every craving for food, drink and comfort. See that every sensual desire is gratified. Denial may lead to harmful frustration. Take his side against neighbors, teachers, policemen. They are biased against your child. When he gets into real trouble, apologize for yourself by saying, “I never could do anything with him.” Prepare yourself for a life of grief. You will be likely to have it .
But parents must not only give discipline…they must give encouragement to their children as well. Colossians 3:21 says, “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord [but] Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” Too much discipline breaks the child…like Dobson says, “we must shape the will without breaking the spirit.” There is a discipline which breaks the spirit…it makes kid quit at life…they lose their confidence in self.
Children whose parents unfairly discipline — or discipline too harshly — have a difficult time honoring them. Martin Luther himself hesitated to give the name “father” to God, because his own father had been so stern and severe with him. Luther is quoted as saying, “Spare the rod and spoil the child is true…but beside the rod keep an apple, and give it to him when he does well.” Parents make themselves worthy of honor by lovingly growing their children into mature young adults.
Now, HOW do we Honor our parents? How do we obey this commandment?
Well, there are many ways….but I want to quickly point out two….
A. I think the best way to honor our parents is simply by LOVING them.
There are no more powerful words that can enter a parent’s ears than the three little words, “I love you” uttered by their children.
No other words even come close to affecting us as those three do. You know when we were kids we said those three words a lot but as we get older we become more “sophisticated.” We quit hugging and communicating our love to our moms and dads-especially in public. We kind of outgrow our inclination to express love to them. But you know parents never outgrow their need to hear this message from their children. We parents yearn to be loved and admired by our children. I know by experience that dads are especially this way.
There is something in our masculine soul that makes us want to be a hero to our sons and daughters. We long to walk through the door at the end of the day and hear our kids eagerly say, “Daddy’s home!” We feel honored when our children love us and want to be with us. You know….when you really love someone you give them things-and the more valuable the gift-the more precious it is to the giver-then the deeper the love that is expressed….and as we grow up, one of our most precious commodities is time. Someone once said that the love is best spelled T-I-M-E.
So one way you honor your parents…one way to communicate love to them is to set aside other obligations and commitments to be in their presence. I noticed as I prepared this sermon that Sarah and Becca want to be me wherever I am in the house. Sometimes I sneak into our bedroom to study. It’s the quietest part of our house. I close the door and then I take the laptop and prop myself up on a bunch of pillows and get to work.
Well it’s never too long before both of them are in the room reading book or something on the bed next to me or on the floor at the foot of the bed. They like being near me. And Daniel is the same….he’s too old to crawl in the bed but he often asks to jog with me. He asks my advice on things and wants to tell me about his day. Our kids like being with us…often all five of us end up crammed into our bedroom. And you know it’s uncomfortable and crowded but I kind of like it. Their wanting to be with me tells me I am important to them.
The fact that they value TIME with me makes me feel special. This is because one of the best ways to communicate love and honor to your parents is to give them your time. Even taking a few minutes to write your parents a note and tell them how your life is going can go a long way to letting your parents know you love and honor them. Since my Dad got hooked up to the Internet, he expects-or demands-regular e-mail from me. In fact some times he calls me long distance and says, “Hang up and e-mail me!” So, one way you honor your parents is by simply loving them. And then one additional way to honor our parents might be to:
B. FORGIVE them…No parent is perfect….and no doubt there were times in your life when it seemed that your parents did not put your best interests first…they weren’t loving enough….they spent too much time at the office and not enough time with you.
Well you can’t obey this commandment until you acknowledge that they had their faults and weren’t perfect and forgive them by releasing any animosity that you hold in your heart.
So forgive your parents. Some of you may have been hurt or abused or neglected because of your parents’ selfishness. And if so you wonder how you can possibly honor them.
Well you do so by forgiving them as well. The word “forgive” means “to let go” or “to send away.” And this may seem like an impossible thing for you to do…even an un-natural thing or painful thing. But NOT to forgive is even more painful for when you refuse to forgive you become a bitter person and if you are not careful you will pass that seed of un-forgiveness on to your children and even their children. And this must not happen because bitterness damages our relationship with God and even blocks our own experience of His forgiveness. Remember Jesus said, “…if you do not forgive men their sins, [GOD] will not forgive your sins.” (Matthew 6:15 ) When we harbor bitterness toward our parents we become stuck at an impasse when it comes to spiritual growth. We make it impossible for God to use us. God is forgiving and He calls us to grow spiritually so that we become more and more like Him.
So we must forgive our parents. Your parents may be guilt-ridden and full of remorse and regret or they may be oblivious to your pain and as hard as nails. They may recognize that they have miserably failed or they may shrug it off. Nevertheless we must forgive because forgiveness is powerful. It may change their lives and it will change yours. Ron Mehl, author of the book, The Tender Commandments, shares that his own father abandoned him when he was a little boy. He and his siblings were raised by his godly mother and when Ron reached adulthood, at the prompting of his wife, Joyce, he sought out his biological father. After several months of a nationwide search, he finally found him living in a little run-down apartment in Burnsville, Minnesota. After awkward hugs and small talk Mehl’s father looked into the eyes of his son and said, “I know you can never forgive me.” Mehl replied, “Then I guess you really don’t know me…how could I NOT forgive you?
If the Lord has forgiven me and doesn’t hold anything against me after all I’ve done, how could I ever hold anything against you? Dad, I don’t know everything about the past and I don’t want to. But I do forgive you.” When he said those words tears sprang into his father’s eyes. Mehl said, “I could almost hear the sounds of a key being turned in a lock and a jail door swinging open. I remembered the Lord’s words from Luke 4:18 , ‘The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He has anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent me to heal the brokenhearted and to proclaim LIBERTY to the captives.” (Luke 4:18) I could see in [my father’s] eyes that he experienced RELEASE in that moment….and I did too….an area of my heart had been tucked down in the bottom of a deep freeze….and after that moment the frost melted. Six months later my father passed away.”
You know, in the final analysis, forgiveness is an act of faith. By forgiving another we are trusting that God is a better justice-maker than we are. By forgiving….by letting go…we are releasing our own right to get even and leaving all issues of fairness for God to work out. Mehl puts it this way, “It hurts to forgive….but remember the hurt will pass away but the smile of God is forever.”
This morning how are you doing when it comes to this foundational commandment? How strong are your family ties? Remember so much hinges on our obedience to this law. Are you honoring your parents? Do they know how grateful you are for all they have done for you?
Do you spend the time you should with them making sure they know how much you love them?
You know in the last few verses of the Old Testament God uses the prophet Malachi to say to us,
“Remember the law of My servant Moses, the decrees and laws I gave him at Horeb for all Israel…And then God says that there will come a time when He, “…will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers…” May that prophecy begin to be fulfilled in this church today.