In 1970 I was a JUNIOR at Caesar Rodney High School which is located about 2 hours East of here, in Camden, Delaware. Back in 1970 one of the perks of BEING a JUNIOR was the annual Junior Class Trip—and that year our trip was to Washington, D.C. Now, as “almost D.C. residents” that may not seem like a big deal to you—but it was to me and the rest of my classmates from the flat marshlands of LOWER Delaware. In fact, it was SUCH a big deal I can still remember the details of that day.
- I remember that we boarded Greyhound Buses and left the school parking lot early that morning. (Riding a Greyhound bus with its individual reclining seats—as opposed to a regular yellow school bus—was ANOTHER big deal back then.)
- I remember that my mom made me a batch of my favorite cookies and filled a coffee can with them so I’d have something to munch on.
- I remember once we arrived I toured the Smithsonian museums and the Capital and the U. S. Mint and the Archives. I climbed to the top of the Washington Monument.
- I remember walking up the steps of the Lincoln Memorial and standing in awe at the feet of the statue of our 16th president.
- But basically, I remember enjoying an entire day in the big city WITH friends—and WITHOUT tests or classes or homework. Our teachers even acted human.
I mean—it was a GREAT day—that is until the last thing on our itinerary. You see, that night, after dinner in a nice restaurant, our class sponsors, who were all females, had arranged to top our Junior Class trip off with a movie and the film they selected was, Love Story, starring Ryan O’Neil and Ali McGraw. It was the number one movie at the time—especially among the female population. Does anyone remember that film? Well, in case you don’t here’s the plot.
LOVE STORY is about a privileged young man from a very wealthy upper class New England family who falls in love with a poor girl from the other side of the tracks. In spite of his family’s disapproval and his father’s threat to cut him off financially, the young man marries the girl—and they head off to Law School—which he now has to pay for on his own. This means they struggle financially but that’s okay because they have lots of love to live on!
However, about a year or so later the young husband learns that his wife has contracted a terminal illness and if I remember right, on her deathbed he apologizes to his wife for something or other and when he does she utters the most famous line in this film. She says, “Love means…never having to say you’re sorry.” When she said that all the females in our Junior Class trip group began to sob out loud—both students and teachers…and all the MALES?—well, we just kind of groaned.
Since then lots of people have groaned—especially married people—because we know that this statement is just not true. We know that a LASTING love relationship between two sinful people involves countless times when we say, “I’m sorry” for this or that—followed by our spouse saying, “I forgive you.” I mean, anyone who has been married any length of time knows that love MEANS having to say, “I’m sorry” over and over and over again—sometimes in the same day!
A few months back Sue and I attended Russel McClain’s wedding. Russel’s brother, Richard is a pastor and he officiated and I love something he said as part of his homily. I don’t remember his exact words but basically he told his brother and soon to be sister-in-law that for their marriage to flourish they would have to learn to FORGIVE each other over and over. And that is so true, isn’t it?! Married couples out there—feel free to say AMEN!
Conflict is inevitable in any marriage—so for marriage to last reconciliation has to become a regular thing. And for reconciliation to happen both spouses have to learn to forgive. In fact, I think it would be a good thing for me to change the marriage vows I use—so that from now on brides and grooms who stand before me say, “…we pledge to love, honor, and FORGIVE, until death do us part.” because that’s the only way their marriage can have any hope of thriving. I agree with Ed Young who writes, “A marriage is not so much the union of two great LOVERS as it is of two great FORGIVERS.”
This is an important marital principle for us to grasp because the main reason marriages fail—the main thing that keeps them from being “fire-proof…”is the simple fact that spouses don’t learn this relational skill. Instead many respond to the inevitable conflicts that come in every marriage by RETALIATING. They take the “eye for an eye approach” and try to get back at—or get even with their spouse.
I’m reminded of the story of the mom who ran into the bedroom when she heard her seven-year-old son scream. She found his two-year-old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl’s grip and said comfortingly to her son, “There, there. She didn’t mean it. She doesn’t know that hurts.” He nodded his acknowledgment, but as she turned to leave the room the little girl screamed. When the mom turned she saw that her son was pulling his little sister’s hair. When the little boy caught his mom’s glance he said, “She does now!”
Well, the fact is most spouses respond to conflict in ways that are just as childish—and for marriage to work that kind of thing has to stop. We have to grow up—we have to mature spiritually such that our response to conflicts—both big and small—even our response to the times our spouses give in to temptation…is to FORGIVE. In his classic book, Authentic Faith, Gary Thomas writes,“Any simpleton can respond to sin with hatred. It is the mark of one who possesses a truly authentic faith to respond with gentleness, understanding, and forgiveness. When you can respond that way, you know Jesus is operating within you.”
Now—we’ve talked about forgiveness a great deal here at Redland. I checked this week and I’ve preached on this subject at least three times in the past 12 years so this morning’s message may be a review for some of you—but that’s okay…because after all God has called us to be a GRACE-DRIVEN church which makes forgiveness a skill that is required around here.
Plus—if you’re like me you need a refresher course on forgiveness every once in a while! So here goes.
Let’s BEGIN by reminding ourselves exactly what forgiveness is. And, at the onset we need to realize that defining or understanding “forgiveness” can be very DIFFICULT for us because of the negative influence of our culture. You see in OUR culture genuine forgiveness is very uncommon. It is MORE common—more “normal”—to be UNforgiving than forgiving. That’s what our daily environment is like. In his book What’s So Amazing About Grace, Philip Yancey writes that in our world these days Unforgiveness “…plays like a background static of life for families, nations, and institutions. [Unforgiveness] is sadly our NATURAL human state. We nurse sores, go to elaborate lengths to rationalize our behavior, perpetuate family feuds, punish ourselves, punish others—all to avoid the most UNNATURAL act of forgiving.” And Yancey is right. In our society—and sadly in MOST MARRIAGES—real forgiveness is rare. It doesn’t show up nearly as much as it should. In fact, most of the time when we (even we spouses) say we forgive—we don’t. No—we tend to “nurse”our grudges as if they were our precious children! And holding on to a grudge like this is the opposite of forgiveness because to “forgive” literally means “to release or send away…to let off.”
Eugene O’Niel tells the story of a man who killed his wife on what he referred to as, “grounds of excessive forgiveness.” He said he killed her because every night he would come home from work and she would say, “You are the worst, scummiest, sorriest excuse for a man on the face of the earth—but I FORGIVE you.” Well—that’s not forgiveness is it!? No, of course not!
Forgiving is a commitment NOT let feelings of RESENTMENT come between us and those who have wronged us. It is RELEASING those feelings—SENDING them away.Okay—since forgiveness is NOT the norm, then I think that probably the best way to truly understand WHAT it IS—is to remind ourselves of WHAT it is NOT.
And…one thing forgiveness is not…is FORGETTING.
When people hurt us deeply, we can’t simply forget it and wipe it from our minds. We don’t have that ability! In Highschool while all my peers were studying Spanish or French I was studying Latin. I even joined the Latin Club and one thing the Latin Club did to raise money—for Latin Club activities—was the sponsoring of what they called “slave day.” On Slave Day, everyone in the club would dress as Romans—the guys would wear togas and the girls would wear togettes—everyone had laurel wreathes in their hair…and sandals on their feet. And at the beginning of the day we would auction off the freshman members to serve as “slaves” for the upper class men. They’d carry their books and fetch their lunch and things like that all day long. Well I joined in the fun and during my Junior year—the same year we made the trip to D.C.—so on “Slave Day” I had my Mom turn an old white bed sheet into a toga for me. It was nothing fancy…just a sheet with holes for my head and arms—topped off with a rope for a belt and some branches from the shrubs in the front of the house woven into a wreath to wear on my head. I wore a pair of flip flops. At lunch that day I was standing in the cafeteria line waiting for my food when one of the school’s “bullies” by the name of Bill Spanish came from behind me, grabbed the “collar” of my toga and ripped it completely in half from top to bottom—leaving me standing there in front of the entire school in nothing but my gym shorts. I still remember the embarrassment I felt—and the intense anger that welled up in me as everyone around me began to laugh. To make things worse this bully had an accomplice in his crime—Hardly Norris—who was one of the youth from my church. Hardly had always said he was my friend. Well, as I blushed and tried to grab parts of the toga to cover myself they both stood there and laughed at me and, I responded by angrily calling both of them some things I shouldn’t. We immediately began a shouting match in which I challenged Norm to a fight after school. He agreed to the “duel” and I left the lunch room to go to my gym locker to get some sweats to wear the rest of the day. And let me tell you—as the hours passed I thought of nothing else but the fight to come. I was determined to mop up the ground with this guy. I intended to do everything I could to make him look as embarrassed as I felt. He’d think twice before doing something like that to me or any other Latin Club member again!
Well, that’s NOT at all what happened. I mean, I wish I could tell you that I was victorious but I wasn’t. I had no experience fighting and it was very easy for those two to humiliate me even further. They mopped the ground with me. Now—to make a long story a little bit shorter—Barry brought Norm to church the following Sunday. They both apologized sincerely and eventually we became good friends. Barry and Norm never joined the Latin Club but they did keep their hands off of my togas from then on.
Now—I have forgiven both Barry and Norm—but as you can see I still remember in vivid detail the way they wronged me because FORGIVING is NOT FORGETTING. No—determining to forgive someone means that every time I see a toga—every time the wrong they did to me comes to mind, I forgive them again. Colossians 3:13 literally says, “Keep on forgiving one another…” because forgiveness is a continuing process. In truth, it has a lot more to do with REMEMBERING than it does with FORGETTING. This is what Jesus was getting at when He told Peter he had to forgive his enemies not seven times but seventy times seven—over and over and over again. Forgiveness is not forgetting.
Forgiveness is also not RECONCILIATION. Reconciliation takes two people, but an injured party can forgive an offender without reconciliation. We can forgive someone even if they don’t ask or even want to be forgiven. In fact, as spouses that’s what we SHOULD do.
And then…forgiveness is not CONDONING or DISMISSING. It doesn’t mean saying, “What you did was bad…but it doesn’t really matter.” Because, if something doesn’t matter, then forgiveness isn’t needed in the first place. No—forgiveness involves taking the offense seriously, not passing it off as inconsequential or insignificant. Forgiveness acknowledges the act as being wrong and forgives it anyway. As I inferred earlier, there is a great deal of GRACE in the act of forgiving someone. This leads me to point out that the word “forgiveness” is built around the root word, “give” which should tell us that it is something that is undeserved—like a gift. Forgiveness is something we are GIVEN…not something we EARN.
Another thing FORGIVENESS is not…is EASY. It can be extremely difficult to forgive. Elizabeth O’Connor writes, “Despite a hundred sermons on forgiveness, we do not forgive easily, nor find ourselves easily forgiven. Forgiveness, we discover, is always harder than the sermons make it out to be.”
Well, that brings a question to mind—namely: WHY would God ask us to do something that is so unnatural…so counter-cultural…something that is NOT easy for us?
One reason is because God is so forgiving. As it says in Lamentations 3:23, “God’s mercies are new every morning.” So—if we are to obey the command of Scripture and strive to become more like God—then we must learn to forgive. Do you remember the REASON Jesus gave when He commanded us to love our enemies, which would of course include forgiving them? He said we were to do this so that we would be seen as SONS of our Father in Heaven. In other words, by FORGIVING we resemble our forgiving Heavenly Father. As A. M. Hunter has said,“To return evil for good is the devil’s way; to return good for good is man’s; to return good for evil is God’s.”
Think about that for a moment. Would your friends say you forgive such that you remind them of God? Would your spouse say that? Or—are would they say you more like the devil himself? Remember. God—our Heavenly Father commands us to be like Him in the way we forgive.
Another reason God tells us to do this is the simple fact that He knows that forgiving is good for us.
As our Designer and Creator He recognizes that UN-forgiveness harms us in many ways.
First, it hurts us is PSYCHOLOGICALLY. You see—people who refuse to forgive—people who entertain bitter thoughts and exhibit angry attitudes toward their enemies—well they often turn into bitter, angry, joy-LESS people. They become psychological hostages to their own hate. Lee Strobel says, “They don’t hold a grudge as much as the grudge holds them.” In essence, by refusing to forgive, they let the person who wronged them—the person who hurt them—CONTINUE to hurt and wrong them!
I once knew a woman whose husband had left her and their children for another woman. And—make no mistake—this was no case of his getting hit by a car and suffering amnesia and wandering off. No—he willfully did this. He was a selfish, dishonorable, hedonistic fool of a man. His children are still suffering emotionally because of his sin. Well, the wife refused to forgive him—and I can understand how hard that would be for her—but the fact is, her unforgiveness destroyed her emotionally. She changed from a joyful, bubbly, giving person and became a very bitter, vengeful person. Years after he left her—every conversation still always came around to her latest views on her unfaithful husband. Well, UN-forgiveness can do this. It can change us psychologically and emotionally and God warns us of this in His Word. Proverbs 23:7 says, “As a man thinks within himself, so he is.” In other words if you want to become a self-centered, RESENTFUL person refuse to forgive. Fill your mind with resentful thoughts and plans—because resentment literally means “to feel again.” An UN-forgiving attitude causes us to cling to the past, to relive it over and over again, picking at each fresh “scab” so that the mental wound never heals. It is no wonder that Job 5:2 says, “To worry yourself to death with resentment would be a foolish, senseless thing to do.” (The Living Bible) Listen! Unforgiveness can eat us alive from the inside out. God knows that.
And—as our Creator God also knows that UN-forgiveness can hurt us PHYSICALLY.
UN-forgiveness has been linked to cardiovascular disease, high blood pressure, and even cancer.
An article in The New York Times said, “Researchers have gathered a wealth of data lately, suggesting that chronic anger is so damaging to the body that it ranks with…or even exceeds cigarette smoking, obesity, and a high-fat diet as a powerful risk factor for early death.”
Have you ever looked at someone puffing away at a cigarette and thought, “What a foolish person to ruin his health like that!” Well—if you refuse to forgive—you are hurting your body just as much as that smoker! You are being just as foolish! And—again God warns us of this in His Book. Proverbs 17:22 says, “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”
So—refusing to forgive can hurt us—psychologically and physically—and it can also do great harm to OUR RELATIONSHIPS.
This may seem obvious—but we need to realize that hatred writes people off. Only forgiveness holds out hope that relationships can be mended. And this is so important in marriage—because when we refuse to forgive—well, it’s like refusing to treat an open wound. Well, let me ask. “What happens when you cut yourself and do nothing to treat it?” It becomes infected and if it does heal, it doesn’t heal right. It leaves scars that are painful for years. Well, in a similar way, when we refuse to forgive our spouses—our marriage is wounded and scarred. We wound ourselves in ways that hurt for a very, VERY long time…and if that kind of thing happens over and over again—well, many times the marriage relationship just dies. The only way to build a lasting, loving marriage is to commit to practice the healing that comes from forgiving one another.
Remember, relationships don’t thrive because the guilty are punished but because the innocent are merciful.
And, you know, perhaps the greatest RELATIONAL damage done by UN-forgiveness is damage it does to OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD.
You see, refusing to forgive is a sin—and whenever we sin we erect a barrier between ourselves and God through which His love and mercy cannot flow. We tend to think that being forgiven by God and forgiving others are two separate things but they aren’t. God’s forgiveness of our sins hinges on our forgiving others. Remember what Jesus said in Matthew 6? “…if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” As long as we refuse to forgive—we are continuing to sin—and our unrepentance builds a wall—a barrier between us and God.
Leonardo da Vinci painted his famous fresco of “The Last Supper” in a church in Milan. It is said that at the time that he painted this work he had an enemy who was a fellow painter. Da Vinci had had a bitter argument with this man and despised him. Well, when he got to the point of painting the face of Judas Iscariot at the table with Jesus, he decided to use the face of his enemy. It brought him great pleasure to think that for ages to come others would equate his enemy with Judas….the betrayer of Christ. Well…as weeks passed and he worked on the faces of the other disciples, he would often try to paint the face of Jesus, but couldn’t make any progress. He had sort of a “painter’s block.” Da Vinci felt frustrated and confused. But in time he realized what was wrong. His hatred for the other painter was holding him back from finishing the face of Jesus. Only after making peace with his fellow painter and repainting the face of Judas was he able to paint the face of Jesus and complete his masterpiece. And it is only when we forgive that we can we look God in the face so to speak and enjoy a close walk with Him.
So you see, forgiving others is good for us. It has psychological, physical, relational, and even spiritual benefits.
But forgiving ALSO BENEFITS THE FORGIVEN PERSON.
Lewis Smeades writes,“When you forgive someone, you slice away the wrong from the person who [harmed you.] You disengage that person from his hurtful act. You re-create him.” And forgiveness DOES have the power to re-create. A wonderful example of this is the Apostle Peter. Remember when he cowardly denied Jesus three times the night of His arrest. But on the beach that morning after Jesus’ resurrection He forgave Peter. And as a result Peter was changed—transformed! Remember? He boldly preached at Pentecost and thousands came to faith in Christ. He refused to obey the same Jewish authorities who had crucified Jesus—authorities who told Peter to stop preaching the Gospel. God used Peter in a great way to further His kingdom! But this wouldn’t have happened if he had never been forgiven for his cowardice. Our forgiveness makes it possible for people to repent and change. So as Randall O’Brien has put it, “The question is not, ‘Should I forgive if he doesn’t repent?’ It’s ‘Can he repent if I don’t’ forgive?’
Think about that spouses! I mean, could it be that your unforgiveness is what is keeping your husband or your wife from repenting?
Well, I think we have done a fairly good job of DEFINING forgiveness. I think we’ve explained clearly WHY forgiveness is important—but…HOW are we to forgive? How can we do this thing that is so hard for us to do? How can we forgive when forgiving goes against our nature?
Well, since we used an acronym last week to help us better understand TEMPTATION—I thought it would be good to use one again this week to help us understand FORGIVENESS.
And—in his book God’s Outrageous Claims, Lee Stroebel has one. He suggests that we use the word PEACE to help us remember five things that make PEACE with one another possible.
(1) The “P” in this acronym stands for the word “PRAY.”
This comes from the Sermon on the mount where Jesus said, “You have heard it said that you are to hate your enemies, but I say to you, love your enemies. PRAY for those who despitefully use you.” So the first step in the process of forgiveness is to PRAY for that person who wronged you and praying for someone who has hurt you or someone you love well, it may be one of the most difficult things of all. But this is what we MUST do…because you see praying allows us to seek God’s assistance and tap into His power.
Try it and I think you’ll find that as you pray for the person who’s wronged you, you’ll feel the HARD FEELINGS and the HURT begin to diminish; In fact we can’t pray for a person very long and still hate them. If we pray genuinely and earnestly, we eventually discover that we can’t help but forgive that person. C. S. Lewis once said, “Last week in prayer, I suddenly discovered or felt as if I did that I had forgiven someone I had been trying and praying to forgive for over thirty years.” Listen husbands and wives—at the top of your DAILY TO DO list should be a commitment to PRAY for your spouse.
(2) The first “E” in this peace acronym stands for “empathy.”
You see, to forgive someone we need to empathize with them—in other words, we need to see the person or spouse with whom we have some difficulty from a completely different viewpoint.
We must turn from seeing them from our painful perspective to seeing them as God sees them. We need to discover why did they do what they did? The better we know our spouses—the easier this should be—and maybe this is what that quote in LOVE STORY was getting at because when we really LOVE each other—WE KNOW each other—and when we KNOW each other it’s easier for us to understand why we do what we do. And that understanding can fuel our forgiveness.
(3) And then…the “A” in Peace stands for “ACT.”
To forgive we need to sidestep our feelings of revenge and act in forgiving ways. John Stubblefield put it this way, “We need to ACT ourselves into a new way of thinking, rather than trying to THINK ourselves into a new way of acting.” This principle of action is what Jesus was teaching in Luke 6 when He commanded us to “Do GOOD to those” who hate us and to “BLESS those who curse us.” And then….remember in Matthew 18:15-17 Jesus said that when we are hurt we are to ACT…GO to the person who hurt us. We—the innocent party—are to initiate reconciliation. Forgiveness involves ACTION!
Harry Emmerson Fosdick said that when he was a boy he overheard a conversation between his dad and his mother at the breakfast table. He heard his dad say, “Tell Harry he can mow the grass today if he feels like it.” Then as his father left he heard him say, “Tell Harry he’d better feel like it. Let this “A” remind you that forgiveness is not a matter of whether you feel like it or not. It’s a matter of acting on a command from our Heavenly Father.
(4) The “C” in peace stands for “Confess.”
You see, part of forgiveness is owning up to our side of the problem. More often than not we share part of the blame for pushing the person into conflict—especially in marriage. Sometimes it’s our own jealousy—our own stubbornness—or our own ambition—or even our own bad attitude that has contributed to the rift that is between us. And few things accelerate the peace process more than humbly admitting our own wrongdoing and humbly asking for forgiveness. I think this clip from FIREPROOF is a great example of this.
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DVD CLIP — SESSION VIDEOS — Session 5
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(5) The final “E” in peace represents the word “Example.”
This should remind us that whenever we are not sure how to love someone who wrongs us—whenever we hesitate because we’re perplexed over how to proceed—whenever we wonder if we’ve gone far enough in our effort to reconcile, we should look at the example of Jesus and model ourselves after Him. As Colossians 3:13 says, “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
Some of you might say, “Mark, you just don’t know the terrible things that my husband or wife does or did.” And you are right, I don’t—but I do know what each of us did to our Lord, and yet He forgave. I know how much we were forgiven—and remembering that ought empower us to forgive as well. The fact is we’ll never be asked to forgive someone more than God has already forgiven us.
In her book Living Beyond Yourself, author and speaker Beth Moore recalls a particularly insightful moment in her life:
“I will never forget watching an evening talk show featuring the story of the parents and killer of a young college student. The killer was his best friend. The weapon was high alcohol content inside a speeding automobile. What made this particular feature prime-time viewing? The parents had forgiven the young driver. And if that was not enough, they had taken him in as their own. This young man sat at the table in the chair which was once occupied by their only son. He slept in the son’s bed. He worked with the victim’s father, teaching seminars on safety. He shared their fortune and supported their causes. He spoke about the one he had slain in ways only someone who knew him intimately could have. Why did these parents do such a thing? Because it gave them peace.
The interviewer was amazed; I was amazed. I kept trying to put myself in the parents’ position—but I could not. Then, as the tears streamed down my cheeks, I heard the Spirit of God whisper to my heart and say: “No wonder you cannot relate. You have put yourself in the wrong position. You, my child, are the driver.” God was the Parent Who not only forgave, but also invited me to sit at His table in the space my Savior left for me. As a result, I have peace.”
Would you close your eyes? Now—let me ask. Is there someone you need to forgive…a friend…a co-worker…a spouse? If so then hold up a clenched fist. Now—open it as a symbol of your commitment to let it go—to release any resentment—and to FORGIVE that person. Do it out of obedience to God. Do it for your good. Do it for their good. Do it for the good of your marriage. THANK YOU. Keep your eyes closed…because I have one more question. Have you experienced God’s forgiveness personally? Have you confessed your sin to God and asked for His cleansing? Have you claimed His Son as Your Savior and Lord? If not, I hope you’ll do so right now.
Let us pray, Father, Impress on each of us—how much You have forgiven us. Remind us that Jesus suffered in our place. Use that reminder to compel us to be forgiving people. In Jesus’ name I pray. AMEN
We sing to give you a chance to respond publically or privately. Come and profess your faith in Jesus. Come and join ask to join this church family but come as God leads.