h2>Introduction: I don’t know if you’ve been counting, but this is the THIRD in a SERIES of sermons designed to provide help for coping with an enemy we all face these days known as STRESS. My plan has been for each message in the series to focus on what the Bible has to say about one of the top four SOURCES of stress in life.
For example, a few weeks ago we began by examining what God’s Word says about what we need to know and do in order to de-stress our CAREERS. Then, last Sunday we looked at what the Bible has to say about dealing with the frustration that comes with trying to manage our MONEY. In two weeks we’ll study what God’s Word teaches about PARENTING-specifically what it says about how we can communicate love to our teens. And this morning I want us to focus in on MARRIAGE.
Sermon: Now some of you may wonder, “What does marriage have to do with stress?” Well, if you are one of those “wonder-ers”-then you must be single because spouses who have been together any length of time will tell you that tension is part and parcel of being married. In fact, in my pre-marital counseling I always tell couples that after they get married if they wake up one morning and realize they’ve never had any conflict, well then someone should start checking pulses because it’s going to happen. Two living, breathing, sinful people are going to have some level of strain in their relationship. The problem these days is that husbands and wives have forgotten how to deal with this inevitable conflict and so more and more couples experience little if any joy in their marriage.
There was once a four-year-old little girl named Suzie who had just been told the story of “Snow White” for the first time in her life. She could hardly wait to get home from nursery school to tell her mother and when she finally burst through the door, with wide-eyed with excitement, she retold the fairy tale to her mom. After relating how Prince Charming had arrived on his beautiful white horse and kissed Snow White back to life, Suzie asked loudly: “And do you know what happened then?!” “Yes,” said her mom, “they lived happily ever after.” “No,” responded Suzie with a frown, “…they got married.”
Well in childlike innocence, this little nursery school-er spoke the truth without realizing it because these days getting married and living HAPPILY ever after are not necessarily synonymous. Many couples who wed never even get close to experiencing the joy that God intended us to have in marriage and statistics tell us this leads an increasing number of spouses to just give up and call the lawyers. In 1960 there were 25 divorces for every 100 marriages in America. In 1975 the rate jumped to 48. Today 65% of the people who marry eventually call it quits. That’s an increase of nearly 150 percent in one generation so that little girl was right-“Living happily ever after” is no longer a given in our culture.
Now, what is the problem here? Why is it that these days for so many men and women wedded bliss not much more than a fairy tale?
Well, I believe that the main reason is that couples have departed from God’s original design. I mean, our culture has either changed His blueprint for marriage or ignored it altogether. And, this is a very foolish thing to do because God invented marriage. He drew up the blueprints Himself, so He knows better than anyone how the marriage relationship is supposed to work. In fact, of all the things God designed, marriage was the first institution He came up with for the welfare and happiness of the human race. Remember? In Genesis-the book of beginnings-it says that after creating Adam, “God saw that it was not good for man to be alone…” And so, out of His great goodness God made the first woman, EVE, and in so doing created MARRIAGE! I think it only makes sense then that if marriage is to work the way it was intended to work we need to pattern our relationships after GOD’S design.
So, this morning I want us to pull out God’s blueprint for marriage-a blueprint He has lovingly left for us here in His Word. I believe if we study His designs then not only will we learn how to de-stress our marriages; we’ll also discover how to make them the source of joy and fulfillment and companionship that God intended from the beginning.
Now, there are a great many passages that contain God’s guidance when it comes to marriage but today I want us to focus on the one that is found in the fifth chapter of Ephesians verses 21-33.
Follow along with me as I read from the New American Standard Version.
21 – Be subject to one another in the fear of Christ,
22 – Wives being subject to your husbands, as to the Lord.
23 – For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.
24 – But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.
25 – Husbands love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her;
26 – that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water through the Word,
27 – that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless.
28 – So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;
29 – for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,
30 – because we are members of His body.
31 – For this cause a man shall leave His father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife;
and the two shall become one flesh.
32 – This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.
33 – Nevertheless let each individual among you also love his own wife even as himself, and let the wife see to it that she respects her husband.
Now before we go any farther I want to point out that this particular text can be very difficult to understand. In fact, these verses in Ephesians 5 have caused so much disagreement that many people ignore them all together. Most pastors steer clear of this text, fearing the conflict it may cause in their churches. This week I read of a cartoon that showed a preacher who had prepared his pulpit area like one of those concrete bunker machine gun nests in WWII. The cartoon showed him peering through the narrow slit in the pulpit/bunker and the caption had him saying, “Today my text is Ephesians 5:22, ‘Wives SUBMIT to your husbands…'” The cartoonist was inspired to do this illustration because that little six-letter word-SUBMIT-is one of the most disliked, and divisive words in the Bible.
But I don’t want us here at Redland to do that-to steer clear of it because I believe we HAVE to come to a proper understanding of this troublesome word if our marriages are to bring us the joy God intends. We simply must understand this word if we are to understand His blueprint!
You see, I have found that most of the problems in marriage can be traced to one thing: POWER. The majority of arguments between husbands and wives have to do with disagreements over who is in charge of what in the relationship. And, more often than not husbands and wives don’t resolve this issue properly-which caused a power imbalance in their marriage. Let’s stop and think for a moment about what happens when power and authority in a marriage relationship is out of wack.
First-what does the person who holds the greatest power and authority in a relationship usually do?
Well, they LORD IT OVER THE OTHER PERSON. If it’s a husband he tends to attempt to control his wife. He uses her to make his life easier. Our seminary church would often go to a near by river for a church wide canoe trip. On our first such trip I noticed that whenever we got to a place in the river where the water was low and the canoes got stuck in the mud or hung up on the rocks our pastor would stay in the canoe and order his wife to get out and pull their canoe free. And she did it every time. I remember thinking two things. First, I thought, “Why is Charlie doing that to Barbara? He should get out of the boat-not her.” But close on the heals of that first thought, I would wonder, “How can I get Sue to do that, so my feet don’t get wet?” My sinful, selfish self wanted that kind of authority-for my own benefit.
And many people interpret this text to support this kind of relationship. Pastors who do so say things like: “The husband should make all the important decisions in the relationship.” or…
“The husband should go out to earn the family’s daily bread and the wife should stay home and bake it.” or “The husband is the president of the family and the wife is the vice-president.” or “The husband should control the TV remote…” (From Marriage Partnership magazine)
Okay, let’s look at the OTHER side of this power imbalanced relationship. What does the person holding LESS power or authority tend to do?
Well when wives are subjugated forcefully to the authority of their husbands they often REBEL or RESIST. They find some way to make their domineering husband’s lives miserable. And that’s the way it almost always is. When people ABUSE their authority-those who suffer look for a way to get even.
This reminds me of a story I read about some men in our military who were stationed in Korea during the Korean War. While there they hired a Korean boy to cook and clean for them. Being a bunch of jokesters these guys soon took advantage of the boy’s seeming naivete. They pulled all kinds of pranks on him. They’d smear Vaseline on stove handles so that when he’d turn the stove on in the morning he’d get grease all over his fingers. They’d put little water buckets over the doors so that he’d get deluged when he came in a room. They’d even nail his shoes to the floor during the night and then laugh when he fell flat on his face the next morning. Day after day that little guy took the brunt of their practical jokes without saying anything. Finally the men felt guilty about what they were doing so they sat down with the young Korean and said, “Look, we know these pranks aren’t funny anymore, and we’re sorry. We’re never going to take advantage of you again.” This seemed too good to be true to the houseboy and he replied, “No more sticky on the stove?” “Nope.” “No more water on the door?” “Nope.” “No more nail shoes to the floor?” “Nope.” The boy thought for a moment and then said with a smile,”Okay, then no more spit in the soup!”
Well here in his letter to the Ephesians Paul offers us a solution to these problems that come with power imbalances in marriage. He reminds us of God’s original blueprint-which contains a way for husbands and wives to move beyond sinful power struggles by embracing a PROPER understanding of Biblical SUBMISSION. Now, as I said, this is a concept that is often misunderstood so I want to attempt to give us a clearer understanding of what Paul is saying by pointing out five things about biblical submission, five basic things that will help us understand and practice this important concept in our own marriages.
1. First of all Paul says that Biblical submission is PERSONAL.
In other words it is a philosophy that you choose to live by yourself. Notice Paul doesn’t say, “Husbands, tell your wives to submit” – or, “Wives, tell your husband to step up and be spiritual head of the home.” No-instead, he speaks to husbands and wives individually and asks each to work on their own attitudes. So, TRUE Biblical submission comes from the person doing the submitting not from the person being submitted to! Submission is not something that is demanded. It is something that is given.
2. And then second, Paul tells us that submission is MUTUAL.
You know, many times we fail to understand this text and apply it to our marriages because we begin at verse 22 instead of verse 21 where Paul plainly says to BOTH husband and wife, “Submit to ONE ANOTHER in the fear of Christ,” You see, these verses teach us that the answer to the power imbalance question-you know, “WHO IS IN CHARGE, HUSBAND OR WIFE?”-is really neither. The correct answer to that question is JESUS! He is in charge! He is the boss! He is the HEAD of any marriage just as He is the Head of the church!
And Paul is saying that no marriage will succeed unless both spouses believe this and SUBMIT to Jesus’ authority in their part of the relationship. Paul explains how this works itself out in marriage by first addressing the wife and then the husband.
A. Look with me now at verses 22-24 and let’s see what he says to wives.
“Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, His body, of which He is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”
Now, take at your Bibles and make a note if it’s not already in your particular translation. Write this sentence in the margin: “The word, ‘submit’ in verse 22 is not in the Greek text. It is supplied in verse 21.” If you have a New American Standard Version-which is the most literal translation of the Bible, then you’ll notice that those words, “being subject,” in verse 22 are in italics to indicate that they do not appear in the original Greek. Literally verses 21 & 22 say, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ-wives to your husbands as to the Lord.”
So, I think the clear principle in this text is this. Wives are to relate to their husbands in light of their relationship to Jesus. They are to treat their husbands as Jesus would want them to treat them. I mean, a godly wife should constantly be asking herself, “What would Jesus do?”
Here’s a rough-but I think accurate-paraphrase of what Paul is saying in verse 24:
“As the church is constantly asking ‘what would Jesus want us to do’ in everything, wives should also be constantly asking, ‘what would Jesus have me do’ when it comes to relating to my husband.”
Now, think about this for a minute men! Can you imagine how wonderful it would be to have a wife who always treats you the way Jesus would want her to?!!! Maybe you don’t have to imagine and if you don’t surely you would testify to the fact that no man can be treated better than one whose wife only relates to him in this way! Well that is God’s plan-that is what it says in His blueprint for marriage!
B. Okay, what does Paul say to the husband about his role in mutual submission?
Well, Paul says that men should treat their wives in the same Christlike way but he even spells it out more clearly for us. For example, in verse 25 he says, “Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.”
Now, guys that’s a nice, poetic way of saying, “Jesus chose to submit himself to the whip, the thorns and the nails for our benefit. That’s the example for you husbands to follow.” In short, Paul boldly says here that we men are to have a SACRIFICIAL love for our wives. Their needs are always to come before our own-even if it is costly for us to satisfy their needs. In fact, it means we are to be willing to lay down our very lives for our help-mates.
A few years ago I read the true historical account of one of the Generals of Kin Cyrus, ruler of ancient Persia, who learned that his wife had been accused of treachery and had been condemned to die. He responded by rushing to the palace where he burst into the throne room and threw himself on the floor before the king. Then he cried out, “Oh my lord Cyrus, take my life instead of hers. Let me die in her place.” Cyrus, who by all historical accounts was a noble and extremely sensitive man, was touched by this act of selflessness and said, “Love like that must not be spoiled by death.” Then he gave the husband and wife back to each other and let the wife go free. As they walked away the husband said to his wife, “Did you notice how kindly the king looked at us when he gave you the pardon?” The wife replied, “I had no eyes for the king. I saw only the man who was willing to die in my place.”
Everybody sigh! Well, this is the kind of love husbands are to have for their wives. Now, most of us men will never have to put our love to this extreme of a test but we do have countless lesser ways to do so each and every day. I mean, we have plenty of opportunities to show our love as we learn to die to SELF daily and put our wives’ needs first. One wife rightly told her husband,
“I know that you’re willing to die for me; you’ve told me that many times. But while you’re waiting to die, could you just fill in some of the time by helping me with the kids or the dishes?”
Now, wives, can YOU imagine how wonderful it would be to have a husband who was always putting you first-who was constantly dying to self to make sure your needs are met?
3. Well, this leads to the third thing I want to point out when it comes to true Biblical Submission. It is BENEFICIAL!
It’s good for us! Anyone who is in a marriage where this attitude is embraced has it made! This is important for us to note because many people over the years have thought of Biblical submission as a terrible doctrine-when nothing could be farther from the truth because it embraces a truly Christlike love that “does not demand its own way…” (1 Corinthians 13)
Genuine, biblical submission does not extract service or manipulate the one in charge. Instead it cherishes the one it loves. It constantly, even sacrificially, works to satisfy the needs of the other.
Husbands and wives who practice it, obey the command that is found in Philippians 2:4 where it says, “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” In short, spouses who follow God’s blueprint for submission focus on GIVING instead of GETTING.
Paul says that wives who SUBMIT in this sense respect their husbands. They believe in them and “root” for them and do all they can to make sure they succeed in life. And, a husband who submits to his wife, CHERISHES her as he does his own body. He will encourage and enable his wife to become all God made her to be.
So, please understand-a marriage where both spouses practice true Biblical submission is a wonderful, satisfying, benefitting marriage. Life doesn’t get any better than this!
4. And then another thing Paul reminds us about Biblical submission is this. It is PERMANENT.
In verse 31 He quotes the book of Genesis which God says that in marriage, husband and wife LEAVE their families to CLEAVE to one another. For the sake of their love a man and a woman become one flesh. With this word picture Paul implies that they are united as the parts of a body are united and so they are to no more think of separating than they would think of tearing their own bodies apart. Sadly, this is something our culture has forgotten. I mean it seems to me that these days men and women change partners with as little thought as they change clothes.
But this is not God’s plan. In fact the blueprint here in Genesis uses a Hebrew word that we translate as “cleave” and it literally means “to glue or to cling” in a PERMANENT sense. You see, God designed marriage to be a life-long union between one man and one woman who SUBMIT to each other all the days of their lives-until death do them part and if marriage is to succeed-if spouses are to EXPERIENCE the joy that God designed marriage to bring-well then brides and grooms must embrace this principle from the beginning.
During England’s darkest days in the late 1930’s and early 1940’s, it was a pudgy, cigar-smoking, unimpressive-looking man who held that country together. While other voices were shouting “Surrender!” -Sir Winston Churchill stood fast. Bombs, devastated entire city blocks, buildings crumbled, bridges fell, but the stubborn Prime Minister refused to budge. Never once did he consider capitulating or even negotiating with the Nazis. Instead he operated on the following rather simple rule of thumb when it came to winning a war. Churchill frequently said: “Wars are not won by evacuations!” And he was right. Surrendering is not an option if you plan to win a war-OR IF YOU PLAN TO SUCCEED IN MARRIAGE! I agree with the San Francisco attorney who said, “There are two processes that must never be started prematurely: embalming and divorce.”…because the Bible teaches that GENUINE, take-your-breath-away love is born out of a commitment to another person, a commitment that is steadfast in spite of our ever fickle feelings. It is born out of an act of the will-a choice to commit to ACT in submissive love toward your spouse all the days of your life.
5. And then finally Paul says that Biblical submission is SPIRITUAL.
It is vital that we understand this because it is really impossible for a husband and a wife to submit to one another-and daily practice a sacrificial love-ON THEIR OWN POWER. If a husband is to love like Jesus, he must have personally experienced the love of Jesus. If a wife it to treat her husband as Jesus would want her to she must know Jesus and have submitted Him herself.
They each need Jesus living in and through them in order for them to practice true Biblical submission. This is what Paul is saying here in verse 21. Husbands and wives are to “submit to one another-OUT OF REVERENCE FOR CHRIST.”
In fact the word “submit” here in verse 21 is not a command. The command is back in verse 18 where it says, “Be filled with the Spirit.” In other words, SUBMITTING to one another is an expression of being filled with the Spirit of God. The text should read, “Be filled with the Holy Spirit…submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” You see, if you are a disciple of Jesus, yielding to His lordship, then when a problem comes you’ll let Him take the lead-you’ll submit to what He would want you to do.
And it IS impossible to submit like this on your own strength. We have to draw on God’s power. So, as I have often told you, in marriage as God intends there are not two partners but three-and Jesus is the third.
In his book, A Marriage After God’s Own Heart David Clarke says, “On your own marriage is impossible. It’s not just really…really difficult-not just a tremendous challenge. It’s impossible. Marriage is a never-ending series of conflicts, misunderstandings, and mind-boggling missed connections…Now for the good news: Even with all our differences, marriage can work beautifully when we keep God at the center of the relationship.”
And-a marriage in which both spouses know Jesus and submit to Him is indeed a beautiful thing.
To illustrate this, let me remind you of three benefits of a marriage in which both husband and wife are growing Christians. (From Billy Hybels’ book Fit To Be Tied)
A. First of all they are able to share a common treasure.
In other words, they can SHARE that which is most important to them-that which is most PRECIOUS to them. Now Sue doesn’t love STAR TREK as much as I do and I don’t love the Home and Garden Channel as much as she does, but we both love Jesus with the same level of passion. And because we do, we can discuss together the lessons we learn in our personal Bible study. I can come home and excitedly tell her something I discovered in studying for my sermon and know that she will be just as exited about it as I am. We can tell each other about answers to prayer. We can trade information we find in Christian books. We can encourage one another to commit more of ourselves to God. We can talk openly about the sin in our lives and challenge one another to greater obedience. Jesus is our treasure and as Christians we can share this treasure together in marriage! And I am so glad because it would be torture for me not to be able to share the most important THING in my life with the most important PERSON in my life: my wife.
B. A second benefit of a mutual faith in Jesus is it enables spouses to build their marriage from a common blueprint.
They don’t make mistakes when it comes to submission because they are following the same set of instructions. I mean, imagine the frustration of two carpenters trying to build a house with two different sets of plans. With conflicting designs, conflicting dimensions, and conflicting materials, the effort would be doomed. Even a casual observer would see the futility of the project. It would be a joke-a comedy of errors. Sounds like a Three Stooges short I saw once-with walls, doors, windows-even the bathtub in the wrong place!
Can you imagine the result of two parents who try to raise their children with each spouse using a different blueprint-one looking to God’s Word while the other consults the “experts” of today’s culture!?
C. And then third, when both spouses are growing Christians, they can draw from a common strength.
That is to say, both spouses can-through prayer-tap into the power of God as they face the inevitable trials and tribulations of life.
When Sue’s dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer seven or eight years ago-when my dad died-last summer….when Daniel had left for school this last February and was four hours late and we were worried sick….in all of these instances both of us prayed. We didn’t have to deal with these trials on our own strength. No, together, side by side we tapped into God’s power-a source of strength and peace that we both have found to be limitless!
Now, I want to take a moment and speak to those of you who may not be married to Christians and I want to point to the fact that you can still practice Biblical submission. You can still draw on the power of the Spirit of God and treat your husband or wife the way Jesus would want you to. Larry Crab says that in situations like this, “…you can maintain your commitment-first to obey God and then to minister to your spouse through each opportunity that arises.
The result will POSSIBLY be a better marriage (and in many cases PROBABLY). The result will SURELY be a new level of spiritual maturity and fellowship with Christ for you.”
And if you do this-if you submit to your spouse-if you treat them as Jesus would want you to-your selfless example may just lead them to accept Jesus themselves. As 1 Corinthians 7:16 says, “For how do you know, O wife whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband whether you will save your wife?” So-Biblical submission is: personal, mutual, beneficial, permanent, and spiritual. That’s what God’s blueprint calls for when it comes to building a marriage-a home one that brings us joy instead of sorrow…peace instead of stress.
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Let us pray.
“Father God,
Thank you for Your gift of marriage. And thank You for leaving us Your designs for marriage right here in the Bible. Help us to follow them. Thank You for our spouses-these wonderful life companions You have guided us to. Help us to practice what we have learned this morning. Guide us so that the respect and reverence and love we have for you is reflected in the way we SUBMIT to one another. Help us to experience the joy of this first GOOD GIFT that You gave mankind. Empower us such that our marriages clearly reflect the love of Your Son.
I ask all this in Jesus’ name. AMEN