p>Ephesians 6:1-3
1 – Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.
2 – “Honor your father and mother” – which is the first commandment with a promise-
3 – that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
Proverbs 1:8-9
8 – Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.
9 – They will be a garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck.
Proverbs 13:24
24 – He who spares the rod hates his son but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.
Ephesians 1:4
4 – Fathers do not exasperate your children; instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
John 15:17
17- This is My command: Love one another.
Introduction: A few years ago I remember reading about a multi-million dollar un-manned space probe that was launched from Cape Canaveral to do research on the surface of the planet Mars. This probe contained all the latest scientific gadgets-equipment that would be used to gather never before known facts about our closest planetary neighbor. But unfortunately not long after the probe started its descent to the surface of Mars, it abruptly stopped sending information-and nothing they did was able to resolve the problem. It was as if the spacecraft had ceased to exist. And, indeed that is what happened. You see, the probe had crashed into the side of a Martian mountain. Well, in the investigation that followed, scientists discovered that the crash was caused by a COMMUNICATION PROBLEM between the probe and NASA. Apparently Houston was giving its altitude adjustment commands in terms of METERS but the space craft was only able to “think” in terms of YARDS or FEET. In other words, someone forgot to tell one of the programmers to use the metric system. And because of this subsequent inability to communicate, the space craft was destroyed-millions of dollars and years of research all down the tube.
Sermon: Now, I remind you of this incident because there is a very real sense in which our adolescent children are headed for a similar fate and for the same basic reason. You see, many of our teen-aged kids are on a collision course with the inevitable mountainous problems of life, because, as parents, we are unable to COMMUNICATE with them in terms they understand-unable to convey a message they desperately need to hear if they are to steer a safe course through life.
And this crucial message I’m referring to is the simple truth that their parents love them. Now, please hear me when I say that this is indeed a VITALLY important message because if our teens are to make it in life they need more than food and clothing and a roof over their heads. They also have an inborn need to be loved. In 1997 the Journal of the American Medical Association reported the results of a recent federally funded study of 12,000 teens a study that revealed the fact that teenagers who don’t smoke, drink, engage in pre-marital sex, take drugs, or commit acts of violence-these teens say the number one reason they don’t do all these things is because they know without a shadow of a doubt that they are loved by their parents. That important message has somehow gotten through to these particular teens. And they say that this knowledge-more than anything else-helps them steer clear of the behavioral problems that ruin the lives of so many of their peers.
The fact is-people who grow up to become healthy, well-adjusted adults can almost always look back to at least one parent who loved them irrationally-a mom or a dad who loved them with a love they didn’t have to earn. Bill Hybels puts it this way, “To grow up NORMALLY, every human being has to be loved ABNORMALLY.” We all need to know that no matter what, we are loved and valued and cherished.
This week I asked Steve to poll our youth here at Redland and their answers confirm this basic parenting principle. I mean, our own teens said the love of their moms and dads was important to them because, and I quote:
“…it encourages me to move on in life, makes me feel wanted, makes me feel safe…”
“…it gives me hope…”
“…it gives me a reason to keep trying…”
“…it makes me feel like I’m worth something…I feel wanted-I don’t feel like a mistake.”
Our youth ALSO said that WITHOUT a parents’ love, and again I quote from their replies to this survey:
“…you won’t feel good about yourself and loving others won’t come easy.”
“…you’d feel lonely, depressed, and angry.”
“…teens will look for love from someone else…and will get into trouble.”
“…they’ll get bad grades at school, do drugs…have low self-esteem, drink, cut their wrists, hang out with bad friends, give into peer pressure, rebel…
…and do other bad things to get their parents’ attention.”
This last response reminds me of something I read about in Kevin Lehman’s book, Adolescence Isn’t Terminal. In it shared the true account of a sixteen-year-old girl who admitted that she got pregnant just because she knew if she did, her mom and dad would start “taking care of her” again. So mom’s and dad’s, the tragic truth is, if we don’t communicate love to our teens-if we don’t get this message across to them-then there is a very good chance that just like the old song lyric says, they will go, “…looking for love in all the WRONG places.”
A few months ago our family enjoyed watching the movie, Saving Antoine Fisher and I remember the poem that young man wrote to describe his yearnings for someone to love him. It went like this:
“Who will cry for the little boy? Lost and all alone.
Who will cry for the little boy? Abandoned without his own…Who will cry for the little boy? A good boy he tried to be.
Who will cry for the little boy? Who cries inside of me?”
If you’ve seen the movie then you know that more than anything Antoine wanted to be loved and valued. He’d had a very rough life. He was abandoned by his mom-his dad was in prison-and he was raised by cruel foster parents so he never received this message and because he didn’t he constantly doubted himself. He got into trouble time and time again-all because he didn’t feel loved.
Now, I would imagine that all parents CLAIM to love their children and I’m sure most of them really do-but as I have said the problem is one of communication. So many of us don’t know how to get this vitally important message across to our teens in terms that they understand. I mean, its easy to tell a baby or a little child we love them and we do that all the time, but when our kids become teens we tend to stop broadcasting this nurturing message. Maybe its because they are bigger and they seem so self-reliant. Maybe its because we’re too involved in our careers to take the time, but for whatever reason many parents stop sending this message of love and as I’ve pointed out this can lead to disastrous-very STRESSFUL-results in our homes.
Well, this morning I’d like to help us deal with this issue by suggesting five basic things that we as parents must do if we are to make sure our teens get this important message, five things we can do so that they will know that no matter what WE LOVE THEM.
1. And the first is to simply TELL them-to use WORDS to communicate our love.
Several of our teens here at Redland said as much on their surveys. Over and over again they said, they want-they need-to HEAR their parents say these three words. Now, I know it feels awkward to say, “I love you” to a teenager. I mean, let’s be honest: it’s easier to tell an adoring three-year-old, “I love you” than it is to tell a gangly, pimply-faced thirteen-year-old who is always on the phone or who is always borrowing your clothes without asking. But the truth is our TEENS need to hear these three-words just as much as our TODDLERS do! In fact, adolescence is the stage in life when loving, affirming words are needed the MOST. You see teens struggle with their identity and because they do they constantly doubt their value, especially in comparison to others. As adults we should remember that adolescence is an emotionally trying time in which words of loving affirmation can make all the difference.
Now-let me give you a couple tips when it comes to getting these three words from your mouth into your teens’ ears.
First off, I wouldn’t advise that you say to your adolescent son or daughter, “Hey! I love you!” while they are standing in the midst of a crowd of their peers. Personal experience has shown me that doesn’t go over too well because it can embarrass our teens as they seek to look “grown up” and self-sufficient to their friends. So tell them at home or when you are alone with them in the car but tell them!
Another thing-sometimes the best way to SAY “I love you” is to use OTHER words. For example, “I’m proud of you.” Or “I like the way you handled yourself in that situation.” Or “I enjoyed our time together. You’re a fun person to be with!” Or “If I could choose any teenager in the world to be my child, I would choose you!”
Our sincere verbal affection can also be communicated by complimenting various attributes of our teen’s personality. I mean, they will hear, “I love you” when you say, “You are so steady. I like the way you think before you speak.” Or “I love the way you encourage people. I was so proud of the way you spent time with that lonely kid who just moved here.”
By the way, moms and dads, when we do this-when we express our pride in our kids-we are acting like our Heavenly Father Who said to those witnessing His own Son’s baptism, “This is My Son in Whom I AN WELL-PLEASED.” (Matthew 3:17)
And then, another way to get this message across is to compliment your teen PHYSICALLY. And this works-this hits home-because so often teens don’t feel good about their appearance.
In his classic work on youth ministry, Five Cries of Youth, Merton Strommen said the loudest adolescent “cry” is the “cry of self-hatred.” His research showed over and over again that many teens just don’t feel good about themselves physically. They hate the way they look. There was a song that was popular when I was a teen that expressed this. Do these words sound familiar:
I learned the truth at 17…that love was meant for beauty queens
and high school girls with clear skin smiles
While those of us with ravaged faces…lacking in the social graces desperately remained at home…inventing lovers on the phone.
It isn’t all it seems at 17—For those of us who knew the pain of valentines that never came
And those whose names were never called when choosing sides for basketball
It was long ago and far away-the world was younger than today and chains were all they gave for free to ugly duckling girls like me at 17.
Well, this song is no longer in the top 40 but its lyrics still express the inner feelings of many young people. I mean, our kids fight to control their pimples and their squeaky changing voices; sometimes they stumble around because their limbs literally grow faster than the nerves that control them and all this makes them feel unattractive. They don’t feel LOVELY and so it is important to compliment their looks by conveying genuine compliments to your DAUGHTER for example like, “You have beautiful eyes!” or “Your hair looks great today.” or for example to your SON like, “You are one strong young man! I like jogging with you but I can’t keep up!”
And then, one other way to say, “I love you” to your teen is to simply ask their opinion about something. This shows them that their views are important to you-which helps them to see that they are as well.
So, the first way to communicate your love to your teen is to use words to TELL them you love them.
2. And then, a second way to get this message across is by GIVING our teens thoughtful gifts.
This is a way of saying, “I value you. I know what your needs are and love you enough to meet them.” So, pay attention parents. Study your teenaged children and then out of the blue (not on their birthday or at Christmas) give them gifts of the things you see they need-no strings attached.
One time I heard my daughters expressing their frustration because neither had a pair of jeans that fit right but they both had tons of homework and had no time to shop. So, I went to Hechts and got about ten pairs in each of their sizes and brought them home. I told them to try them all on and that they could each pick two pairs-and then I returned the rest. Now, to be honest, my motives were somewhat selfish. I mean I knew it would take me far less time to go to Hechts, grab twenty pair of jeans, come home, then return the rest, than it would for me to take them shopping to find two pairs that they liked-but I was so happy at their response. I mean, they were thrilled when I came in the door with all that denim-I felt like I really “connected” with them that day-that they realized their dad did in fact love them a great deal and he does! This experience reminded me that thoughtful gifts are indeed a great way to communicate love.
When I was a senior in High School my dad shocked me by taking me shopping-not for jeans but for a car. I’d been telling him how much I wanted one for months but I never thought he’d actually taken my requests seriously. He’d always just say, “We can’t afford it Mark.” Well, when we got to the used car lot my eyes fell on a four-year-old 1968 Ford Mustang with low mileage. It was a metallic aqua blue with really cool wheels and chrome in all the right places and bucket seats and a powerful looking gear shift. Let’s just say that in the eyes of a 17-year-old in 1972 it was one sharp car! I instantly imagined what it would be like to be seen by my peers driving it all over town. No longer would I be the square PK driving a beat up old station wagon! No, for once in my adolescent life I would be admired by everyone. I would be cooler than cool!
Well, Dad asked the price and then told me he was sorry but it was beyond his financial means-and I believed him. I knew how tight money was in my family. Several months passed and I pretty much forgot about the car but on the last day of school when I came home it was sitting in the drive way-freshly washed and waxed. Now, I know that was a costly gift. I still don’t know how he paid for it but in so doing my dad communicated his love to me. That thoughtful, sacrificial gift made me understand very clearly that my dad knew my needs and desires as a teen-aged boy and loved me enough to find a way to meet them. It communicated to me that he noticed what my life was like and valued my feelings.
Now, I”m not saying you have to go out and buy your kids a mustang in order for them to know that you love them. I don’t want any of our teens going home today and say, “Dad the pastor said if you REALLY love me you’ll go out and buy me a hot car. By the way, I know how valuable your time is so I’ve circled some ads in the paper.” No- but what I AM saying is that some kids will hear our love for them best in THOUGHTFUL gifts little or big-things that we get for them because we know they need them.
And, while I’m on the subject of giving I want to point out that the greatest gift-the most thoughtful thing you can give your teens is a personal relationship with Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. This is the one gift that truly keeps on giving and giving. Patrick Henry that famous early American statesman once said the following concerning the disposition of his estate:
“I have now disposed of all my property to my family. There is one thing more I wish I could give them, and that is the Christian religion. If they had that, and I had not given them one shilling, they would have been rich. And if they had not that and I had given them all the world, they would be poor.”
Now, I know you can’t give them salvation. You can’t make this decision for them but you can tell them all that Jesus means to you. You can take them to church and do all you can to involve them in a youth ministry like our own where the gospel is proclaimed. And most importantly you can take the time to interact with them so they SEE by the way you live-how real and precious your relationship with Jesus really is. The godly example of your life-your personal walk with Jesus-is the best thing any parent can give their child!
3. And this leads to the third way to get our love message across and it is by spending TIME with our teens.
Now, time is valuable-that’s why we talk about “spending” it-and our teens know this. They know that our work, our careers, our time is valuable and important to us. We communicate that fact all too clearly! So when we put our careers aside to be with them a sort of instinctive algebra kicks in. They think, “Career is important to dad. Dad stops career to be with me. Therefore to my Dad I am more important than career! Wow!”
And spending time with our kids is a Biblical concept. In Deuteronomy 6 when Moses tells parents to tell their kids all about God’s loving laws, he says they are to do it when? “…when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up…”
In other words it implies that parenting is a TIME-consuming task.
Now, I’ve met several parents who have said that when it comes to time quantity isn’t important-it’s quality time that counts. But this is a myth. I mean, it just doesn’t work that way. You can’t say to your teen, “Okay…I have thirty minutes. Let’s get into an intense, in-depth conversation before I have to go back to work.” No, to get some QUALITY time with your teens you have to have chunks of QUANTITY time because they usually won’t open up until we include them in a large block of our time. In other words, we need to plant some SEEMINGLY wasted minutes to harvest a few special moments. For example, if you sit down and give you daughter your undivided QUANTITY attention here’s what she might say: “Well, dad, then we went to the mall, but nothing much was happening there except a sale at Old Navy and I found the cutest top but they didn’t have my size. Then we got a smoothie at the new eatery. They have this sour water melon/strawberry/apple flavor that is awesome! You should try it!
Anyway, later we went to this party at Melissa’s house. You remember her sister? She was a cheerleader a few years ago. She-I mean Melissa-lives down by 7-Eleven. Her sister is in college now. I forget what she’s majoring in….but any way some guys who usually hang out and smoke at 7-Eleven heard about the a party at Melissa’s and crashed it. I mean nobody knew them but they just showed up. And you wouldn’t believe what happened next….”
Do you see what I mean? When it comes to conversing with our teens there’s a sense in which you have to put up with a lot of “oysters” to get a few “pearls.” And putting up with those oysters-giving our teens our undivided attention even while they tell us the relatively unimportant things about their lives-well for many of them, this communicates our love more clearly than anything else.
But, the truth is REALLY loving your teens literally takes TIME!
This week I read of a frightened 18 year old boy convicted of a crime standing in front of a stern judge who happened to be a close personal friend of the boy’s father. The judge told the young man that he was a disgrace to the community and his family. He sternly said, “You ought to be ashamed of yourself, disgracing your family’s name, causing your parents a great deal of anguish and embarrassment. Your father is an upright citizen in this community. I have personally served on numerous committees with him and know of his commitment to this city.
I count your father as a close personal friend and it is with deep regret that I have to sentence you this day for your crime.”
With his head bowed in obvious embarrassment, the young man listened as the judge went on and on like this. Then, before the sentence was passed, he asked if he could speak. He looked up at the judge and said, “Sir, I do not mean to be disrespectful or to make excuses for my behavior. But I envy you a great deal. You see, there were many days and nights that I wanted to be my father’s best friend. There were many times when I needed his help with school work, in some of my dating situations, and in some of the difficult times that I faced as a teenager.
But my father was gone a great deal, probably on some of those committees with you or playing golf. I’ve always felt like other things were more important to him than I was. I don’t mean this disrespectfully but I truly wish I knew my father like you do.”
Stunned by the boy’s words, the judge placed him on probation and ordered that he boy and his father were to spend time together every week, getting to know each other. The father obviously was humiliated by the sentence but it caused him to get to know his son better and that was the turning point in his son’s life.
Dads and moms, it shouldn’t take a judge to get us to spend some of our valuable time on our kids! If we don’t do this, we will be hard pressed to get them to believe we love them.
4. And then, a fourth basic way to communicate love to your teen is to TOUCH them.
Now, as I’m sure you know, many parents touch their teens less than they did in their elementary years. And this is sad because appropriate touch is needed MORE in the teen years, not less.
Granted, you moms out there can’t hug your 240-pound lineman son and give him a kiss as you drop him off in front of the high school, but you CAN give him a pat on the shoulder as you drive-that is BEFORE you enter the parking lot which we all know is a “parents-don’t-touch their teens zone.” And, you CAN give him a back rub after he comes home from a game and you can and should hug him when he’s home!
By the way, withholding appropriate physical touch from our teenage daughters is also a big mistake for many reasons. Experts say that a great deal of their self-esteem as a female comes from their father’s giving them something as simple as a hug. The sad fact is that if we don’t communicate love in this way-if we don’t give our teens meaningful loving touches-they will often go elsewhere to have this need met. Dr. Marc Hollender, a noted psychiatrist interviewed scores of women who have had three or more unwanted pregnancies. Overwhelmingly, these woman said that they were consciously aware that sexual activity was a price to be paid for being cuddled and held. Studies have also shown that a vast majority of homosexual men shared one thing in common: the absence of meaningful touch from their fathers early in life.
So, if you want your teens to feel your love-let them LITERALLY feel it through your meaningful affectionate touch!
5. And then I want to point out one final way we communicate love to our teens and its by DISCIPLINING them.
You see, if we don’t discipline them we are telling them we don’t care what happens to them in life. And without guidance bad WILL happen because as God’s Word clearly teaches all of us are sinners-and our sins always have negative, painful, heart-breaking consequences. So, withholding the necessary Godly discipline from our children is like sitting back and watching them ruin their lives. Proverbs 19:18 puts it this way, “If you don’t discipline your children you are helping them destroy themselves.”
Now, it takes a lot of time and energy to discipline teens and so when we don’t we are telling them, “I don’t love you enough to make the effort to enforce guidelines that will protect you in life.” As Proverbs 13:24 says, “If you refuse to discipline your child it proves you don’t love them.”
Now, most teens won’t admit this, but they WANT rules and they WANT to be disciplined if they break them. They gain assurance and comfort from knowing that there are loving but firm rules-that there is structure in their life-especially in our culture where morals are always changing. In fact, a study was done a few years ago that showed that juvenile offenders who had parents who did NOT give them boundaries said things like this:
“I wish my parents would shake me up…punish me when I first go wrong…convince me that more severe measures will come if I continue to misbehave. I wish they would call my bluff and stand firm on what is right even when I threaten to run away or drop out of school.”
This reminds me of those “parents: the anti-drug” commercials we see on TV these days where the teen says to his mom or dad, “You grounded me. You made me study. You took away my car. You told me not to hang around with certain people. You made my life miserable….THANKS Dad!”
Now, I think it is important here to note the difference between discipline and punishment. The purpose of punishment is to inflict penalty. So punishment focuses on the past. But the purpose of discipline is to promote growth. So it focuses on the future. In short, we discipline our teens then because we love them too much to let their sin nature take control of their future lives.
Invitation: So, to make sure your teens get this vital message that you love them no matter what
- Tell them-find the right words but tell them!
- Give them thoughtful gifts.
- Spend time with them.
- Touch them.
- And discipline them.
And if we need an example to follow when it comes to these parenting principles, all we need to is look to our Heavenly Father because He has used all these tactics to let us know how much we are loved.
The Bible-His book written with us in mind is full of proclamations of His love. For example in Jeremiah 31:3 God says, “I have loved you with an everlasting love!”
So God has used words to tell us He loves us!
And-God has literally spent all the TIME in the world focusing on us and our needs. He’s never too busy for us. In Matthew 7 He says, “Ask and it shall be given you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened.” In other words, God’s office door is always open to us!
And then, throughout His earthly ministry Jesus-God in the flesh-was known for His meaningful touches. He even touched the untouchable with His great love.
God also cares enough to discipline us when we need it. In Revelation 3:19 He says, “Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline.”
And no one-absolutely no one gives like God. Do you remember Jesus’ words, “If you-though you are evil-know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts!” Of course God’s greatest gift was His Son. As John 3:16 says, “God so loved” you and me “that He GAVE His only Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”
If you are not a Christian I invite you to respond to God’s great love gift by admitting your sin and asking His forgiveness. Give Him your life to use as He sees fit. If you are here today and are already a Christian but don’t have a church home perhaps our Heavenly Father is guiding you to join this church family. Some of us may need to respond to this message by asking God to help you be a better parent. And, teens, if you have a parent who has followed these principles you may need to go to them sometime soon and thank them for all they have done to express their love to you. While you’re at it-express your love to them! If you have a decision that you wish to make public I encourage you to do so now, by walking forward and sharing it with me as we stand and sing.