As a pastor, the biggest portion of my work is devoted to STUDY. I spend many hours each week preparing for sermons, Wednesday night Bible studies, deacon training, writing Sower articles, church council reports—things like that. The fact is I spend a lot of time with WORDS so I have come to appreciate NEW words—words that give me more “tools” with which to communicate truth. So I was excited to get a new app for my I-phone recently—a Word-a-Day app that gives me a new word and it’s meaning every morning.
Here’s a few examples: the word: “mawkish” means “emotional to the point of being unpleasant”—as in, “Oliver wrote a love song for his girlfriend. Oliver thought the song was brilliant, but his girlfriend actually found it to be mawkish and ridiculous.”Here’s another. “mellifluous” which means, “like honey, sweet and smooth” as in “Everyone loves to hear Bill Archer sing. His voice is so MELLIFLUOUS.” Here’s one more—and I bet you’ve never heard it: “Paedarchy” —which is defined like this: “government by children.”To help you grasp this one: in our democratic government, ELECTED LEADERS rule; in a monarchy KINGS AND QUEENS rule—but in a paedarchy, CHILDREN rule.
To further aid our understanding of this new word, here’s an example of how a NEWSCAST in a paedarchy nation might sound: “Today congress passed a bill written by two-year-old President Susan Smith making it illegal for parents to impose mandatory bedtimes for their children. This new law also legislates the making of ice cream and cupcakes mandatory foods at all mealtimes.” We chuckle but as any experienced mom or dad knows, this comes very close to describing how things are at times. Many days parenting seems like a continual struggle in which we are trying to avoid PAEDARCHY in our homes. There are battles to get our kids to pick up their toys, wear the right kind of clothes and do their homework. Let’s face it. Parenting is tough. It’s a STRUGGLE FOR CONTROL that many of parents feel they lose more than they win.
Someone has said that we spend nine months wondering WHEN our children will get here and then the rest of our lives wondering WHERE they have gone. We spend the first few years wondering WHEN they will TURN IN and the rest of our years wondering HOW they will TURN OUT. We spend the first few months teaching our children to WALK AND TALK and then the next 15 years telling them to SIT DOWN AND BE QUIET.
All kidding aside—parenting is a tough job. In a recent article for Christianity Today, entitled, “The Myth of Happy Parenting,” Rachel Marie Stone writes, “There is so much pain and heartache in parenting. The way of the parent is often the way of the cross. The glory and grace and joy in it come at significant cost. We relinquish our time, energy, money and personal desires—for our children.”
And—parenthood is not only a very difficult undertaking. It is also an awesome RESPONSIBILITY because in the home, children become what they are to be for the rest of their lives.As a result of the way we parent our offspring, they either become selfish or selfless people—they either become industrious or lazy—they either become honest or deceptive.So, as Brian Harbour once put it, “Parents are not just individuals who BARE children, BORE teenagers, and BOARD newlyweds.”No—parents are individuals who to a large extent determine the attitudes, outlooks, and philosophies of the people who grow up under their care.
In a recent blog Max Lucado writes, “Each year God gives millions of parents a gift: a brand new baby. Like no one else, parents can unlock the door to that child’s uncommonness. As [moms and] dads, we accelerate or stifle—release or repress—our children’s giftedness. They will spend much of life benefitting from or recovering from our influence.”
Ironically this AWESOME task is something first-time parents undertake without prior training. It’s one of life’s most important endeavors and yet parents are often inadequately prepared to accomplish it.
One thing that makes parenting difficult is that it gets TOUGHER as your children grow OLDER—not because the kids get worse, but because they grow up and change and so the entire process of parenting has to change just to keep up. I mean you can force a three-year-old to sit in a time out corner—but that won’t work with a teenager.
Well-thanks to this aspect of parenting, many of us can identify with author CHARLIE SHEDD’s testimony. He says that before he was married, he had an EXPERT lecture he delivered which he titled, “How to Raise Your Children.” When he became involved with families who had children, he changed his lecture and called it: “Some Suggestions to Parents.” After he was married and their first child was born he changed the lecture again and called it, “Feeble Hints to Fellow Strugglers.” And—when the rest of his kids came along he stopped giving the lecture all together. It is INDEED a difficult job being a parent—especially in our day and age.
Well, I have three grown children but I certainly don’t stand here this morning as an expert. To used Shedd’s words, I am just a fellow struggler myself.But I chose today’s text because, as a parent, I can relate to it. Now—you are probably familiar with these verses because they are the beginning of the story of SAMSON—the judge of Herculean strength who was sent by God to help the people of Israel.Turn to the book of Judges chapter 13 and let’s read verses 2-8 together.
2 – A certain man of Zorah, named Manoah, from the clan of the Danites, had a wife who was sterile and remained childless.
3 – The angel of the Lord appeared to her and said, “You are sterile and childless, but you are going to conceive and have a son.
4 – Now see to it that you drink no wine or other fermented drink and that you do not eat anything unclean,
5 – because you will conceive and give birth to a son. No razor may be used on his head, because the boy is to be a Nazirite, set apart to God from birth, and he will begin the deliverance of Israel from the hands of the Philistines.”
6 – Then the woman went to her husband and told him “A man of God came to me. He looked like an angel of God, very awesome. I didn’t ask him where he came from, and he didn’t tell me his name.
7 – But he said to me, ‘You will conceive and give birth to a son. Now then, drink no wine or other fermented drink and do not eat anything unclean, because the boy will be a Nazirite of God from birth until the day of his death.’”
8 – Then Manoah prayed to the Lord: “O Lord, I beg you, let the man of God You sent to us come again to teach us how to bring up the boy who is to be born.”
Now—I want us to FOCUS on the LAST VERSE of this passage. Manoah had just learned that he was about to be a father and because of this he prayed to God and said, “O Lord, teach us how to bring up the boy who is to be born. Teach us how to parent him.” Well, let me ask all you parents out there. Have you ever asked God Manoah’s question? I mean, how many times in your own child-rearing have you cried out to God for guidance and help? I did this countless times in my parenting years. Even now, I pray this prayer to get guidance as to how to help my children. Well, if we were to do that on this Father’s Day morning—if we were to ask God to tell us how to raise kids in our fallen and falling culture what would He say? If we were to pray, “God it is so hard to be a parent in the 21st century. Watching the news makes us afraid as we see the pressures and temptations and dangers our kids will face. We love our children so much and we want to help them to become all that You intend. So, God, what are we to do? How are we to go about guiding the growth of our children?”
In my preparation for this message I came across three Biblical principles of parenting [suggested in a sermon by Robert Russell] timeless principles that I believe God would point us to if we did indeed pray this kind of prayer—three BASICS that God wants parents to understand.
But before I go any further let me say that parents who follow these Biblical principles aren’t guaranteed to have perfect children. There are no guarantees in parenting. I mean, another one of the things that makes parenting tough is a little thing called free will. As a mom or dad you can do your VERY BEST—and then your kids can still make the VERY WORST decisions in life. Parenting is wonderful—it can be full of joy—but it can also be full of heartbreak. But—I want to share these three principles because I believe they are foundational. They are principles that help us “build” children who are more likely to make good choices in life. One more thing—if you are a single parent—a single mom or dad—don’t feel left out because this message is addressed to you as well.
Okay let’s begin. The first principle I think God would point us to if we prayed Manoah’s prayer is this:
(1) All children are inherently SINFUL.
Now that may seem a bit harsh but it is the truth and unfortunately it is a truth that many fathers and mothers have either forgotten or just plain ignored these days. You see, most parenting “experts” in our culture say that people are NOT sinful and instead are basically good. They believe that a human being is the product of billions of years of evolution and as such is always getting better and better. Because of this misconception people tend to believe that, given the right environment and a good opportunity, children will ultimately choose to do what is good and right. According to this faulty philosophy, a PARENT’S primary task is to help this along by building up a child’s SELF-ESTEEM.
You know, it seems as if every week there is another school shooting. This week it was in Oregon. Last week it was Seattle, Washington. Two weeks before that it was at the University of California and so on. There was a time when this kind of horror was pretty much unheard of but these days sadly that is not the case. School shootings have become commonplace. It all started in 1999 when two teens, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold killed 12 of their classmates and 1 teacher at Columbine High School in Colorado before ending their own lives. This is a picture of the memorial to those who died that day. In the wake of that horrible day former vice-president Al Gore appeared on LARRY KING LIVE. He was asked why he thought teens like Eric and Dylan were so attracted to violence. Gore said, “It’s because of our evolutionary heritage, the nature of tooth and claw.” In other words, Mr. Gore believed that these two teens were reverting to our past animalistic instincts and the solution is to press on to our positive future evolution. I wonder if he still thinks that.
On the same program a liberal pastor addressed the problem by saying, “We have got to build up kids’ self-esteem. The teens in Colorado rebelled because they had been put down by the more popular kids as outcasts. It doesn’t matter what religion you are. You need to tell your kids that they are good and wonderful and beautiful.”
Now—I agree that our children need to know that they are loved and important and precious and unique—but if that is ALL we tell them then ALL we end up with is prideful, selfish kids. Think about it—the popular kids in Columbine who had ridiculed the two shooters: Dillon and Cledbold—the popular teens HAD good esteem. Their parents told them they were good and wonderful and beautiful. Yet their treatment of Dillon and Kleibold was one of the causative factors in this horrible tragedy. So, self-esteem was not the issue. No—the truth of the Bible and the beginning point of good parenting—is the realization that humans are NOT basically good. They are inherently evil. Jeremiah 17:9 says, “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” Romans 7:18 says, “I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature, for I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.”
When I was about 5 years old I got in an argument with my 3 year old little brother, Jon. Now, I have pictures to prove that both of us were beautiful, loveable children. And, my mom would testify that we were—and still are—precious in the eyes of God. We were two p-k’s who were much-loved by both our parents. Grandparents and uncles and aunts echoed this message. So did the members of the church where my dad served. In short, we were taught from birth how special we were. But my brother and I, two innocent little lambs, once got into a huge fight over a PENCIL. I wanted this pencil that Jon had or vice versa. I don’t really remember how it started.
But I do remember that things went back and forth and finally my cute little three-year-old brother grabbed that pencil and imbedded it in the top of my head. For a few minutes I looked like Moby Dick—but it wasn’t water spouting from the new aperture in my skull. Now that I think of it. I bet that the lead Jon imbedded in my scalp poisoned the root system of my hair follicles! It would explain a lot!
My point is that all children—even the best children (Ha!)—are inherently sinful. That’s why they need parents in the first place. As Romans 3:23 says, “ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” A developing apple that harbors a tiny worm at the core will eventually produce a fruit that is totally corrupted, regardless of how impressive it may appear on the exterior. And the most innocent, beautiful-looking baby is a tainted creature, having inherited the sin nature of Adam. If that sin nature is not restrained and eventually regenerated, the child will soon be capable of horrendous behavior.
Several years ago I came across a report released by the Minnesota Crime Commission that may sound blunt to some today. Here’s what it says: “Every baby starts life as a little savage. He is completely selfish and self-centered. He wants what he wants when he wants it—his bottle, his mother’s attention, his playmate’s toy, his uncle’s watch. Deny these and he seethes with rage and aggressiveness, which could be murderous were he not so helpless. This means that all children, not just certain children, are BORN delinquent. And—if permitted to continue in the self-centered world of infancy—every child would grow up to be a criminal.”
In The Stanford Observer Dr. Albert Siegel once said, “When it comes to rearing children, every society is only 20 years away from barbarism. Twenty years is all we have to accomplish the task of civilizing infants who are born into our midst each year.”
Mothers and fathers, we simply must understand this inherent sin nature of our children. They ARE created in the image of God and have an awesome potential for good, but they are also stamped with the sin of Adam and have an innate craving for evil. Russell says that when he was a teenager, his mother had a rule: “Don’t ever bring your girlfriend to our house when no one is here.” He would always reply, “Mom, why? Don’t you trust me?” And she would always give the same standard answer. “No. I don’t. That is too much temptation.” She did not say, “It looks bad to other people.” Or “I don’t trust her. I do trust you.” She simply said, “No, that’s too much temptation.” Russell says, “I would act like I was really hurt. ‘My own mother doesn’t trust me. That’s terrible.’ But I would walk away and think deep down inside, ‘My mother is pretty sharp. She knows what I’m thinking.’” Mrs. Russell was a good mother—because she acknowledged the sin nature of her son. She knew that he needed to be RESTRAINED more than his self-esteem needed to be BOOSTED.
Listen! One of the best ways to show our kids we love them is to recognize this fact and be willing to discipline them when they yield to their sinful nature. Proverbs 13:24 says, “If you refuse to discipline your son, it proves you don’t love him.” Proverbs 19:18 puts it this way, “If you don’t discipline your children, you are helping them destroy themselves.”
Now I think it is important here to note the difference between DISCIPLINE and PUNISHMENT. The purpose of punishment is to inflict PENALTY. Punishment focuses on the PAST. But the purpose of discipline is to promote GROWTH—so discipline focuses on the FUTURE. We DISCIPLINE our kids because we love them too much to let their sin nature take control of their FUTURE lives. And this leads me to the SECOND basic parenting principle that I believe God would share with us in answer to our echo of Manoah’s prayer for help.
(2) I believe God would remind us that as parents we must teach our children to RESPECT people in authority.
Unfortunately, these days many children are NOT taught this important lesson. The sad fact is in recent years there has been a breakdown of respect for all authority figures—beginning with parents. And in my opinion it’s not the kids’ fault. NO—I think it is because many moms and dads in our society see themselves ONLY as their child’s FRIEND which leaves their kids with no real authority figure in the home. CNN once reported that the mother of a 15-year-old girl allowed a male stripper to appear at her slumber party. The report said, “Although she claims her daughter hired him without her knowledge, she said she only let him continue his act to avoid embarrassing her daughter.” Unfortunately I’ve heard lots of similar stories—stories about foolish parents who have abdicated the moral leadership in the home in a futile attempt to identify with their kids. They want to be seen not as a mom or dad but rather as “one of the gang.” It’s like these parents never got over their own adolescence—and are still trying to be accepted by teens—even if these teens are their own children. SAD!!!
Listen, Mom and Dad—of course you are your child’s FRIEND—but you are also the first AUTHORITY figure God has given them. And I guarantee if your children don’t RESPECT your authority, they won’t LOVE you. They won’t see you as a FRIEND because the first essential in all relationships is RESPECT—especially in relationships between children and adults.
The fifth commandment forms the first written guidance that God provided for families. Do you remember it? “Honor—respect—your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” The word “honor” literally means “a heavy weight” and it implies that we assign the greatest possible weight to a person in terms of respect.Honoring someone is measuring their value—appraising it—as having “great weight” in the same way scales were used to determine the value of gold ore.And our children must learn to honor us in this way. They must RESPECT us if we are to be able to DISCIPLINE them and protect them from their inherent sin nature. When I was a little boy—about five years old (same year of my head wound)—my dad pastored Upper Seneca Baptist Church—just a few miles north of here.The parsonage we lived in adjoined a farm. And in the field right next to our backyard the farmer kept a big, angry bull.So, my parents made a rule. I was not to go near that fence. They made this rule clear. They explained why I was to obey and what would happen if they caught me disobeying.Well, one day for some reason I foolishly thought I knew more than my parents. I wanted to see that bull for myself.I respected MY DESIRE more than I did THEIR AUTHORITY and so when I thought mom was busy elsewhere I headed for that fence to get a good look at this supposedly dangerous animal.Thankfully, my mom was always watching so she saw where I was going and when she called out and I refused to heed her repeated warnings by increasing my speed in running to that fence, she grabbed a branch off of a convenient tree, ran up to me, picked me up—and gave me a few licks across my “you know what.”Now—she didn’t do this in anger. She didn’t leave a mark. But it did sting enough to get my attention.And—I never went near that fence again! Plus, from then on I was much less likely to disobey my mother’s instruction. In this experience I learned to RESPECT her teaching. The pain in my posterior led me to give her instructions great weight.
This reminds me of Proverbs 22:15 where it says, “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child. But the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.” Now the “rod of discipline” here can refer to corporal punishment like my Mom lovingly exercised that day—and I may be old-fashioned but I think there is a time and place for that. Most of the time, though, there are other more effective discipline methods we can and should use. In any case, I am thankful for parents who loved me enough to use various disciplinary “tools” to teach me to RESPECT their rules and guidelines.
They taught me at a young age to listen to—and heed—what they said. The wonderful thing is the fact that their loving discipline developed a deep friendship with both my mom and my dad as I reached adulthood. I could look back at the consistent and fair way they disciplined me over the years and see that they loved me enough to do the difficult thing over and over again—loved me enough to work hard to teach me lessons I needed to learn in order to be happy and healthy in life. As I looked back I thought of Proverbs 27:6 which says, “Wounds from a friend—or parent—can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.”
Well, for any family relationships to be healthy, children must relate to the parents in a way that communicates this quality of respect or high value. And—respecting parents makes sense because they are more experienced travelers on the road of life than their children. Kids can gain literally life-saving truth from their parents’ knowledge. Let me put it this way: no society would function very long if each generation had to start over when it comes to learning how to live on this planet.
We all benefit when we honor and respect the lessons learned by our forefathers. No wonder Proverbs 1 warns, “Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.” A parent’s wisdom is “heavy.” It is valuable—and children must be taught this. They must learn not to take it lightly.
But you know so often, especially when we enter our TEEN YEARS, we suddenly believe we know more than our parents. We think they are behind the times and can’t possibly understand life as well as we do. At that age we cease to respect their input in our lives. We take their instruction lightly. This reminds me of what I think is a very humorous story. One day FOUR people were flying in a small, four-passenger plane: a pilot, a pastor, and two teens, one of whom had just won an award for being the “Smartest Teenager in the World.” As they were flying along, the pilot suddenly turned to the three passengers and said, “I’ve got some bad news, and I’ve got some worse news. The bad news is we’re out of gas. The plane’s going down and we’re gonna crash. The worse news is I only have three parachutes on board.” Of course, this meant that someone would have to go down with the plane. The pilot continued, “I have a wife and three children at home. I have many responsibilities. I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to take one of the parachutes.” With that, he grabbed one of the chutes and jumped out of the plane. The Smartest Teenager in the World was next to speak. He said, “I’m the Smartest Teenager in the World. I might be the one who comes up with a cure for cancer or AIDS or solves the world’s economic problems. Everyone is counting on me!” With that, the Smartest Teenager in the World grabbed the second parachute and jumped. Then the pastor spoke up and said to the other teen, “Son, I’ve made my peace with God, and I’m willing to go down with the plane. You take the last parachute and go.” “Relax, Reverend,” said the other teenager. “The Smartest Teenager in the World just jumped out of the plane with my backpack.”
Many of us were like that prideful teen at times—we ignored the guidance of our parents. We foolishly did not HONOR or RESPECT them and we jumped out into the world without their wisdom to hold us up. It is important for parents to teach their children to avoid this mistake.
But, you know, another reason for us to teach our children to respect earthly authority figures is the fact that unless they do, they will never learn to honor or respect God. The first step to teach your child to respect God is to teach them to respect you as a parent. And of course ALL OF US must learn to ascribe honor or great weight or worth to God’s guidance if we are to be happy in life. As Proverbs 19:23 says, “The fear of the Lord leads to life: then one rests content, untouched by trouble.”
And parents please listen. Our CHILDREN will learn to respect God if they see US respecting God. They are watching us! If they see mom and Dad reading God’s Word, attending His church—if they see us making time for prayer—then they will be far more likely to do the same.
If they see that knowing Jesus and walking with Him through life is important to US—they will be more likely to see THEIR NEED for Jesus themselves. Remember—faith is CAUGHT as much as it is TAUGHT!
One final basic parenting principle that I believe God would give us in answer to this prayer is this:
(3) We must accept the ONGOING RESPONSIBILITY of parenthood.
The sad fact is these days there are a lot of parents who quit too early. They think their parenting ends when the child is potty trained and can fix a bowl of cereal without their help. This “parental dropout rate” is easy to see because if you go to a soccer game of seven-year-olds, the stands will be full of parents with i-phones and i-pads held high recording every minute. But if you go back to the stands of an athletic event when the kids are 14 or 15, you will not see near as many moms or dads. Most parents are very involved in parenting our kids when they are young but when they get to be older children and especially teens, many moms and dads tend phase out. And I can understand—it is a hassle to be a parent as our children age.
- You keep saying to the 11-year-old, “No,” and they keep whining and nagging. NOT FUN!
- It’s a lot easier to say, “Yes” and look the other way when your 14-year-old wants to roam the Rio or the mall unsupervised.
- It is easier to let your 17-year-old go to beach week with her friends than have an unpleasant confrontation.
And—because it’s hard—many parents give up and disengage when the teenage years approach which explains how they don’t know what sites they are visiting on the Internet or what kind of peers they are hanging around.
Parents of our culture must remember that none of our resources are more important than our children. They are worth the effort it takes to guide them all the way through adolescence right into adulthood! Sue and I watched a TV news magazine a few years back that told the horrible story of a teenage girl who, with the aid of her boyfriend, murdered her own mother, stole her credit cards and car and then fled across the country on a spending spree. As I watched I wondered, “How could this have happened? How could a daughter kill her own mother?”
And I found the answer to my question as the story unfolded because the reporter told that as parenting became more difficult, this single, divorced mom simply gave up. She let her daughter do whatever she wanted. They lived in the same home but rarely saw each other or spoke. And in answer to a cry for the love and discipline her mother would not give her, this girl got involved with a boy who had been abandoned by his own parents when he was only two and ended up involved in drugs and crime.
This is a mom who gave up on her parenting responsibility when it got tough. Christian Moms and Dads you are responsible for your child until they leave home and are completely financially independent. God holds you accountable. So stay involved in the life of your child as he or she grows. And remember REBELLION is a cry for ATTENTION. Show your love for them by giving them the time and discipline they need. Romans 15:14 says that an indication of our love for others—including our children—is our willingness to, admonish them when necessary or as Philips translates it, our willingness to do the hard work of keeping our children “…on the right road.”
Now—your older kids or teens will tell you they don’t want any rules and they don’t want you around, but that is not true. They want and need you and your guidelines. They want you to be there at the ball games and recitals. They still need your praise and love. They NEED you to push them to be involved in church youth events. They NEED you to be involved with them by going as a chaperone to things like RE-Charge. Our teens will not admit it—but they want rules—fair consistent rules. They give them a foundation to rely on in a very difficult time of life. For them rules communicate love.
You know—ALL of us need a parent. No matter how old we are, we need Someone wiser to guide us—to correct us when we do wrong. We need Someone to love us—Someone Who knows us better than we know ourselves. The only being in the universe qualified to parent us in this way is God and the Bible repeatedly tell us that He loving offers to fulfill that need. In Galatians 4 it says, “When the fullness of time came, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the Law, so that He might redeem those who were under the Law, that we might receive the adoption as SONS.”
The good news of the Gospel then, is that God wants to be our parent and that’s great because He is the perfect Parent. He knows about our inherent sin nature and loves us enough to provide us with necessary guidance: In Revelation 3:19 He says, “Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline.” And when it comes to lovingly guiding us through life God is in it for the long haul. In Joshua 1:9 we are promised that God, “…will be with us wherever we may go.”
If you are not a Christian I urge you to allow Him to adopt you this morning. Admit to Him your sin—your need for His forgiveness and guidance. Put your faith in Jesus Christ. Give Him your life to use as He sees fit.
If you are here today and are already a Christian but don’t have a church home perhaps our Heavenly Father is guiding you to join this church family. You may need to respond to this message by asking God to help you be a better parent. And teens, if you have a parent who has followed these three principles you may need to go to them sometime soon and thank them for all they have done to guide your growth. Parents like that are rare in today’s world. If you have a decision that you wish to make public I encourage you to do so now, as we stand and sing, by walking forward and sharing it with me or Bobby.