In his wonderful book, The Tender Commandments, Ron Mehl cites a newspaper story out of San Diego that reported the following:
“An 18-year-old bull rider who was kicked and trampled by a 2300-pound Brahma Bull during a September 18th rodeo has died from his injuries, hospital officials said. Paul Coronado died Tuesday at Sharp Memorial Hospital. He had been unconscious and in critical condition since being trampled during the Lakeside Rodeo. Coronado had been competing professionally in rodeos for only a few months since graduating from El Capitan High School in June. Family and friends who had maintained a bedside vigil since his injury were there when he died at 10:04pm, according to a family member. Services for Coronado are pending.”
Have any of you ever seen a bull-riding competition, either at a rodeo or perhaps at the fairgrounds or on television? If you have then you know how dangerous this “sport” really is-and the bull riders-especially the experienced ones-are very aware of the danger. When one of those animals swings his massive, muscle-filled head and shoulders sending the rider into the air, the moment that cowboy hits the ground, he does one thing. His instincts kick in and he runs for the fence as fast as he can go. Only after scaling that blessed barrier in one bound and finding it between himself and two thousand pounds of raging bull does he relax. At that moment he is very thankful for that fence. He might even lean over and give that fence a kiss. He’s mighty glad it’s there. In the seconds before young Paul Coronado was trampled, I’m sure that more than anything he wanted a fence to come between him and the angry beast he had tried to ride. But everything happened too quickly. He didn’t have a chance to get away.
The main fact I want you to get is this: bull-riding cowboys love fences-the stronger the better. They don’t resent the fence. They know it’s there for their good. They know it’s not there to restrict or restrain them, but rather to restrict and restrain that raging bull. In my mind this is a great illustration of one of the blessings of God’s written law. The Bible isn’t here to restrict us in the sense that it would keep us from fun. No, it’s here to keep us from harm. God’s laws are here to protect us, because in a very real sense, God’s laws put a barrier between us and that which would destroy us.
And the thing that will most quickly destroy us if we are not very careful is the desires of our “flesh.” In so many ways we’re all a bit like Esau, willing to trade anything-even our very birthright-for a plate of stew to satisfy our flesh’s hunger of the moment. This flesh we walk around in every day cares nothing for future happiness or peace of mind. It cares nothing for the well being of the ones we love. No. Like an impatient raging bull, all it cares about is charging ahead to find gratification-now.
This morning as we continue our study of the Sermon on the Mount we come to a part of His message where Jesus reminded His listeners, and us, of one part of this “fence” that God has so lovingly provided-one of the “fence sections” that is designed to protect us while at the same time providing His very best for us. The section Jesus refers to in our text for today is designed to provide a barrier around the life and health of our marriages and families, guarding them from the devastating effects of a powerful “bull” called adultery. And the fact is, adultery is indeed a major problem in our world. There are a lot of “adultery bulls” raging around out there these days. All over our country, like a Brahma in a china store, these sinful beasts crash through lives, destroying marriages and families, devastating children and churches. In fact, I would agree with James Montgomery Boice in saying that
“…never before in the history of the western world has fidelity in marriage been so threatened either from within or without, or an unbridled indulgence of free sexual passions been so encouraged or so praised.”
Think about it. In the past fifty years, we’ve gone from a culture in which TV programs were not permitted to show husbands and wives sleeping in the same bed to the soap operas of today in which 94% of every sexual activity is between partners who are not married or not married to each other. The plot lines of soaps, movies, and prime time TV shows are reflective of the fact that in our culture, adultery is no longer perceived as being that big of a deal. It’s no longer scorned.
A few years ago The New York Times quoted a sociologist as saying,
“Data indicates that the vast majority of Americans think adultery is wrong, pure and simple. About 80% feel this way. But the interesting thing is that more people think adultery is wrong than have been faithful to their spouses.[Apparently] people think adultery is wrong the way they think it’s good to be thin, yet they lack the will power to keep off the weight.”
Unfortunately this sociologist is right. Even a glance at our society shows that these days this section of “fence” is ignored by most. In fact, it has come to the point where people glamorize, defend, and even promote adultery. Katie Roiphe writes for the New York Times Magazine and says, “Women’s magazines practically recommend [adultery] to their readers as a fun and healthy activity, like buying a new shade of lipstick or vacationing in the Caribbean.” And there must be a lot of this kind of “lipstick” being sold out there these days because recent studies indicate that 50% of married men and women will have at least one extramarital affair during their marriage. Think about that. That’s 50 out of 100, 10 out of 20. In other words, 1 out of 2 married men or women will cheat on their respective spouses. The bull is loose people!
Before we go any further let’s agree on a definition of this sin. I mean, exactly what is adultery? And it’s important that we answer this question because, as we will see in our text for this morning, Jesus defines adultery different than our culture does. The word “adultery” comes from the term “adulterate” which means to contaminate or make impure. And an individual makes himself or herself impure when he or she doesn’t heed this command of God and violates their marriage vows. Leviticus 18:20 says, “Do not have sexual relations with your neighbor’s wife and defile-or contaminate-yourself with her.”
In a New York church’s Sunday School, children were studying the Ten Commandments, and they were doing this study one commandment each week. Each Sunday the children would bring home an illustrated card that dramatized one of the Ten Commandments. The first week showed people worshiping at church. To illustrate, “Thou Shalt Not Kill,” another week’s card pictured Cain in the act of slaying Abel. Well, some parents began to kind of dread the picture that would come home the seventh week. They anxiously wondered how the publishers would illustrate the act of adultery. But fortunately, tact prevailed. Under the caption, “Thou shalt not commit adultery” was a picture of a dairyman, leering villainously, as he poured a huge pail of water into a can of milk. And this illustration wasn’t too far off the mark because, adultery is anything that weakens or contaminates the exclusivity of our marriage vows in any way.
The Los Angeles Times (March 1, 1998) published the following definition of adultery submitted by one of it’s readers: “Adultery is when you participate in the type of close behavior with someone who is not your spouse, and you would not want your spouse to behave likewise with someone else.” And I kind of like that one, because adultery is much more than improper physical relations with someone other than your spouse. In my opinion, adultery is anything you do that threatens your spouse’s trust of you; any behavior that adulterates or weakens your relationship with her or him. It is any action that gets you closer to another person than you are to your mate; removing your husband or your wife from their rightful place as the number one human being in your life.
And, Jesus would agree with this. He’d agree when we say that climbing this part of His fence doesn’t require a physical act. Here in the sermon on the mount, He tells His listeners that mental lust is the equivalent of physical adultery-just as anger is the equivalent of murder. Take your Bibles and turn to Matthew 5:27-30 and you’ll see what I mean.
Matthew 5:27 – “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’
28 – But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
29 – If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.
30 – And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.
Now, I want you to understand that in verse 28, when Jesus talks about looking lustfully at someone, He’s not speaking of natural, normal desire. He’s not talking about our ability to recognize physical beauty. No. A literal translation of the Greek indicates that He was saying the man who is condemned here is the man who abuses this natural desire by deliberately using his eyes to awaken his lust; the man who looks at a woman with the intention of imagining what he’d like to do with her physically. And this principle would apply to women as well. This commandment equally applies to females who use their eyes to cultivate a mental image of sinful behavior with someone other than their spouse. Let me put it this way. Jesus wasn’t saying the first look is sinful, but rather the second and the third, succumbing to the urge to look again and again in our minds. And in the same way that all of us are guilty of murderous anger, all of us are guilty of this sin. All of us, male and female, take second looks and entertain second thoughts, thoughts in which we cross the line-or “climb the fence”-into sin.
Do you remember Jimmy Carter getting into trouble years ago, when as president, he was honest enough to admit this? Well, in spite of how you feel about him as a president, you must admire his honesty because all adult human beings have struggled with mental adultery. Gene Appel writes,
“A number of years back, when I was a single bachelor out in Las Vegas, our singles group at the church who were all 25-35 years old did a survey. The survey asked what was our number one temptation in life as singles. Twenty-seven out of thirty-three people put sexual temptation as their number one. I think the other six put lying as their number one temptation.”
And he’s right. If we were honest all of us would have to admit that we have climbed over this part of God’s fence at one time or another. Referring to this one preacher put it well when he said, “It’s surprising to find that most of us are like the rest of us.” Well, how can we strengthen this fence? How can we embrace God’s loving law and protect ourselves from the destructive power of this particular sin? How can we shield ourselves from the sin of adultery? Relying on the commentary of Ron Mehl and Ken Gutpill I want to suggest six hopefully easy to remember two-word phrases.
(1) First, think “good.”
Learn to think about good things. You see, long before adultery happens physically it happens mentally. This is what Jesus is talking about in this part of His sermon. He’s warning us that every adulterous relationship begins-not below the neck line-but above it. Adultery always begins with thoughts that are not good. This is what George Jones was referring to in the lyrics of one of his songs where he sang, “We’re not exactly strangers you and I, because I’ve already loved you in my mind.”
One minister whose marriage and ministry were ruined by a one-night stand said, “Adultery isn’t something that happens with the act-it happens months beforehand. It’s an attitude in which you disconnect yourself mentally and emotionally from the person you’ve said you’re spending the rest of your life with.”
The fact is, if we entertain pure actions toward someone, and have not uttered even the slightest words of attachment to someone else, yet are guilty of impure thoughts, then we are perching on a precarious cliff which leads nowhere but over the brink into deeper and deeper violations of God’s law. So, to protect ourselves from adultery-to strengthen this part of the “fence” we have to learn to think right.
Now, there are two ways to control your thoughts. The first is to say, “I will not think about that.” Let me illustrate how well this particular tactic works. Everyone close your eyes. Now for the next few seconds I don’t want anyone to think about pink and green elephants. Don’t imagine big green elephants with pink stripes. Don’t think about their long trunks swaying as they walk around and their big ears flapping on the side of their heads. Don’t think about that. Don’t think about how much damage a big green elephant could do if it got loose in the China department at Macy’s. Don’t picture the traffic pile-ups that would occur on I-270 during rush hour if a Kelly green elephant with flamingo pink stripes were to get loose there. No one think about that okay? Keep telling yourself this. Don’t think about pink and green elephants.
Well, how did everyone do? Was anyone able to not think about pink and green elephants? Of course not, because we can’t control our thinking that way. Trying not to think about bad things-adulterous things-is the same thing as thinking about them isn’t it?! No, the only effective way to control bad thoughts is to replace them with good ones. This is the old “garbage in…garbage out” principle. We tend to produce thoughts about the things which we put in here. And one of our biggest sources of input is TV.
Now, I don’t know about your TV, but my TV tends to produce a lot of adulterous garbage. We used to enjoy the TV show, Grey’s Anatomy. We started watching it because it was supposed to be about young medical residents, and since Daniel’s in med school we thought it would be a good way to identify with him. But we’ve realized that Grey’s Anatomy is about 10% medical anatomy and 90% sexual anatomy. It’s more about sex than surgery. And the people having sex aren’t married. Some of them are, but they’re not having sex with their spouses. It’s garbage.
And, I don’t want to meddle too much, but what’s up with the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue? What’s that annual issue got to do with athletic competition? I mean, I never see those ladies in a swimming race. They’re not competing in any way that I can tell. They’re just standing around or sitting around or lying around, and the look in their eyes-well, it doesn’t look very athletic if you know what I mean. As far as sports are concerned-the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue is garbage. Unless you are visually impaired, looking it in won’t generate pure thoughts.
My point is this: if you want to think right, then obey Jesus and stop putting garbage up there. Cut that stuff out of your life. And then replace it with good thoughts. Think “good!” As Paul says in Philippians 4:8, “Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.” As Jesus says, “If your right eye causes you to sin, poke it out and throw it away. It is better to lose one part of your body, than for your whole body to end up in Hell.” The fact is, there may be some areas of your life that need to be poked out, for your own protection and the protection of your marriage. So learn to think right. Bring your thought life into captivity, before it brings you into captivity, and then here’s a second two-word phrase to remember…
(2) Don’t start.
Now that may sound too basic, but the fact of the matter is, adultery is one of those things that almost always starts innocently. It begins with a mutual attraction to a neighbor, co-worker, or even someone with whom you go to church. You both understand each other well. You have a lot in common with one another and you enjoy the quiet moments you have together. This other person seems more eager to listen to you then your spouse does. Soon there are those special little words that are spoken softly between you. The little pats, a gentle squeeze of your arm, a meaningful glance, a lingering gaze, a quick hug, a short embrace, and eventually you have been led down a path you never intended to walk.
Sue Johanson who hosts a show on WTN says: “You can’t say, ‘I didn’t know what would happen.’ That’s a crock. You knew with the sweaty palms. You knew with the long gazes. You made the decision not to decide and you let it just happen.” She’s right. Adultery usually begins innocently-but if something is not done-it will not end that way. It will end in heartbreak and destruction.
Mike Breaux, teaching pastor at Willow Creek, warns, “Remember, mental sex is like physical sex in that it only goes in one direction. You can’t go back to a lower level and stay satisfied. You always want more. A magazine excites, a movie thrills, a live show really makes the blood run. Lust does not satisfy. It stirs up.” So, one of the best ways to keep this bull out of your life is simply stop any potential start! Stop it while you still can! Don’t start up the ladder of affection with anyone other then your spouse because adultery always begins there. If you are getting your emotional or relational needs met somewhere other then home, even if your intentions are innocent, stop. Stop because you are leaving a gap in your relationship with your spouse-and bulls love gaps in the fence! As someone once put it, “There is an internal desire of which adultery is the only fruit.”
This leads to a third thing we must do if we are to obey this loving law of God and strengthen our “fence.” We must…
(3) grow up.
We need to mature our thinking. We need to grow up in the way we handle our emotional needs. You know, babies naturally come into the world demanding that their needs be met. We expect this from infants but sometimes people never outgrow this immaturity and they go into a marriage selfishly expecting their spouse to meet all their needs. This is seen in the way that people tend to define love. Some say that love is based on passion: “I’m empty without you, but if I can have you, I’ll be fulfilled and satisfied.” Others say love is based on need: “I need you and I’ll never make it if I don’t have you.” But six months from now, they find themselves “needing” someone else.
Well, both of these definitions of love are immature and selfish. I’m reminded of the lyrics to an old Randy Travis song entitled, “Reasons I Cheat.” Its words went like this:
“A working day too long, when everything goes wrong, and a boss who don’t know I’m alive. I once had a notion, I’d get a promotion, but now I barely survive.
A wife too demanding with no understanding of why I stay dead on my feet. A dimly lit tavern, a willing young woman, are some of the reasons I cheat.
My children keep growing, my age keeps on showing, like all my old friends that I meet. So I’m getting older, my life’s growing colder, just some of the reasons I cheat….”
At first hearing, you might feels sorry for this guy. And if so, think again, because he’s showing his immaturity, his selfishness. He doesn’t need sympathy-he needs discipline! Biblical love-love that will enable you to steer clear of adultery is a mature love-one that is based on a firm commitment not to meeting your needs, but rather your spouse’s needs. The whole purpose of this kind of love is to serve, satisfy, and fulfill the person to whom you’ve committed your entire life. You know, one of the chief falsehoods in Satan’s great Encyclopedia of Lies is this commonly held belief that love is a “feeling.” Well that is a selfish, foolish concept. Love is not a feeling. It’s an act of the will. It may certainly produce wonderful feelings-as do many other of God’s blessings in our lives. But, real love, grown up love, is something we choose to have for our spouses regardless of feeling. Marriage is not the result of love as much as it is the opportunity to love. Genuine love is still love when you wake up in the morning and don’t feel anything at all. Love is a selfless commitment to the other person no matter how you feel.
Think about it: was it a warm, fuzzy feeling that kept Jesus on the cross? Is it a feeling that causes Him to love and forgive us when we fail over and over and over again? No, it is His love for us, His commitment to meet our deepest needs. So if you want to avoid the pain of adultery in your life, grow up and grow out of your selfishness. Commit yourself to meeting your spouse’s needs and not your own.
This leads to a fourth thing we can do to strengthen this part of our fence:
(4) Love right.
And the right way to love is to commit to selflessly cherish your spouse day in and day out! You see, the truth is many husbands and wives yield to adulterous thoughts because they believe sexual satisfaction is found elsewhere-but this is a lie of Satan. No, we are designed such that the only place we can find physical and relational satisfaction is in marriage-so to strengthen this part of your “fence”-invest in strengthening your marriage. I promise. The better your marriage is, the happier you will be and therefore the less vulnerable you will be to this form of temptation. So, as Proverbs 5:18-19 says to husbands, “Rejoice in the wife of your youth. Let her charms and tender embrace satisfy you. Let her love alone fill you with delight.” By the way, do you know how to make your spouse exciting? Love her. Love him. Make it your goal in life to satisfy your husband or your wife. Say things and do things that make them know you love them more than anyone else, and the result will be a spouse so attractive he or she knocks your socks off!
Several years ago, I read about a man named Johnny Lingo who lived on a Pacific island. The people of this little island had a unique custom: when a young man found a girl he wanted to marry, he paid his future father-in-law a certain number of cows for the daughter’s hand. Now, two to three cows could buy you an average, perfectly adequate wife. Four or five cows could get you a highly satisfactory one. Well, Johnny loved a girl named Sarita. And Sarita had always been very plain. She was thin, her shoulders were hunched over, and she walked with her head ducked down. Yet Johnny paid Sarita’s father eight cows for her hand. The islanders said to one another, “Eight cows? This is ridiculous. He got cheated.” His bovine transaction was the talk of the community. A visitor who had heard of the eight-cow betrothal came to Johnny’s house to do some business with him. As they were talking, Sarita entered the room to set a vase of flowers on the table. And it seemed to the visitor that the flowers weren’t nearly as fresh and beautiful and vibrant as the wife of Johnny Lingo. She was not at all like the Sarita he had heard about. She was one of the loveliest women he had ever seen. There was something in the lift of her shoulders, the tilt of her chin, and the sparkle of her eyes. Johnny noticed his guest’s wide-eyed response to his wife, so, when Sarita had left the room Johnny said to his guest, “Have you ever thought about what it must mean to a woman to know that her husband had settled on the lowest price for which she could be bought? Did you ever wonder what it must feel like to her, when the other women boast of what their husband paid for them? One says, ‘Four cows,’ another ‘five cows,’ or maybe even ‘six cows.’Johnny said, “How does she feel, the woman who was sold for one or two? I decided this must not happen to my Sarita. I wanted to marry Sarita. I loved her and no other woman. I wanted Sarita to be happy, but I wanted even more than that. I wanted her and everyone else to know that to me she is worth more than any other woman.”
Now, Johnny Lingo was a wise man! Because of his desire to nurture his wife’s self worth she became the most beautiful woman on the island. And we would do wise to embrace this principle. Now understand, nurturing your spouse, meeting his or her needs so that they feel cherished-well it takes a lot of work, it is costly but it is worth it. You see, when you love and care for someone, you build in the person the capacity to do the same. He or she learns to love you, think of you, pamper you, and put you first too. And as Christians we must remember that putting the needs of our spouse before our own needs is following Jesus’ example. He showed beyond a shadow of a doubt how much He cherished or esteemed you and me. 1 Peter 1:18-19 says,
Peter 1:18 – For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers,
19 – but with the precious blood of Christ…a lamb without blemish or defect.”
Here’s a fifth tip that will help you embrace this fence that God has put around your marriage..
(5) Listen well.
Now, this one is especially for you men, because we can be kind of blind or rather deaf in this area. But that’s okay, because God seems to have given women the special ability to sense a strange woman on their turf. So, when your wife warns you about a woman who she says is beginning to cross the line don’t write off her comments as jealousy. Even if at this point it is innocent, it may not appear that way to them, and often their perspective is right. They often notice a come-on before we guys do. So listen to her.
And then-if your spouse comes to you and says, “Your friendship with ‘so and so’ is beginning to make me feel threatened. Don’t get me wrong. I trust you. It’s just that He or she seems to be meeting your emotional/relational needs in a way that makes me feel like he or she is encroaching on my turf.” If your husband or wife comes to you with something like that, don’t get defensive. Listen and then heed their request. Cut off the relationship-even if it is innocent. Remember, your spouse is your number one. If they feel threatened you need to deal with that. So commit to talk to each other about these kinds of things…and to listen.
Here’s one final bit to advice.
(6) Look ahead.
Look before you leap over this fence that God’s loving law provides. Look out there and see all the damage that will be done if you yield. In his book, The Finishing Touch, Charles Swindoll gives a partial list of what lays ahead for those who commit adultery:
- Your mate will experience the anguish of betrayal, shame, rejection, heartache, and loneliness. No amount of repentance will soften those blows.
- Your mate can never again say that you are the model of fidelity. Suspicion will rob her or him of trust.
- Your escapade will introduce into your life and your mate’s life the very real probability of sexually transmitted disease.
- The total devastation your sinful actions will bring to your children is immeasurable. Their growth, innocence, trust, and healthy outlook on life will be severely and permanently damaged.
- The heartache you will cause your parents, your family, and your peers is indescribable.
- The embarrassment of facing other Christians, who once appreciated you, respected you, and trusted you, will be overwhelming.
- Your fall will give others license to do the same.
- You will never be able to erase the fall from your (or others’) mind. This will remain indelibly etched on your life’s record, regardless of your later return to your senses.
- You can be forgiven…but your actions won’t be forgotten.
- And here’s the worst potential result. The name of Jesus Christ Whom you once honored, will be tarnished, giving the enemies of the faith further reason to sneer and jeer.
Now, don’t be foolish enough to think, “Well pastor, none of that will happen because I won’t get caught.” because you will. Regretful adulterers all over the world would say Numbers 32:23 is right on the money when it says, “You may be sure that your sins will find you out.” From day one sinners have always believed that they could get away with sin.
Adam and Eve believed it. Did they get caught? Cain believed it. Did he get caught? Joseph’s brothers believed it. Did they get caught? Moses murdered a guy and buried his body in the sand. Did he get caught? Achan got caught. Saul got caught, David got caught. Jonah got caught. Anianas and Sapphira got caught. Gary Hart got caught and so did Bill Clinton, a couple of times. Ted Haggard got caught. It’s simple, sinners get caught, so don’t fool yourself. You may think you won’t. When you are sinning Satan tricks you into believing that you are invisible, but you’re not. Someone will see.
Listen to what Solomon reminded us of three thousand years ago. Proverbs 6:27-29 says, “Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned? Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched? So is he who sleeps with another man’s wife; no one who touches her will go unpunished.”
So, before you climb over God’s fence, look forward, open your eyes and see what will happen out there in the future if you continue to entertain these sinful thoughts, sinful thoughts that lead to sinful actions, actions that will cause an unbelievable amount of pain and anguish.
Well what can we do if we have failed in this area? What if you’ve climbed the fence?
(1) First, make a decision to repent and confess your sin to the Lord. Agree with Him that what you have done is wrong. Remember, repent means to change course, to admit you are headed in the wrong direction, to turn and follow God’s route.
(2) Then, secondly accept His forgiveness. Let God forgive you. Remember no sin is greater than Christ’s sacrifice. He forgave the woman caught in adultery and if you ask Him, He will forgive you as well.
(3) End the relationship now. Not tomorrow, not a week from now, now. Remove any source of temptation, anything that weakens your exclusive relationship with your spouse. Confess this all to your spouse and take whatever steps necessary to heal your marriage.
(4) Thank God. Praise Him for His mercy
(5) And then, if you are the victim of adultery hear this- There are few agonies in this life that are as deep and lasting as the knowledge that your spouse has been unfaithful. There is an incredible sense of betrayal and even shame. My heart hurts for you. But please know that God hurts for you as well. And there is a difference between a pastor’s care and the care of God. I can sympathize with your broken heart but God can heal it. It is God Who will give you the power to forgive and restore your life and make it possible for restoration in your marriage. He can truly make all things new again.
LET US PRAY