This morning I want us to deal with this question: Which is better for a Christian—to marry or to remain single?
And to get us in the mindset to deal with this question I want us to look at a clip from a classic movie—It’s A Wonderful Life. You should remember from all the times you’ve seen this movie that Mary is in love with George and has decided she wants to marry him and settle down in Bedford Falls. She’s loved him since they were kids. Remember that scene at the soda fountain in the drug store? And whereas George loves Mary—he struggles with that because he’s always wanted to be free to leave Bedford Falls and travel the world. In this scene, George has reluctantly decided to come to Mary’s house—but after a brief visit he’s stomped out—then returned to get his hat—when an old friend, Sam Wainwright calls.
CLIP 00:46:55 to 00:50:32 (Start when Mary says “Hello” and end when Mary and George kiss as they are leaving for their honeymoon)
Well, we can see how George answered this question about marriage—but what about others? Which is best—to marry—or to remain single? Now—think of that question as a “teaser” to keep you listening because I won’t answer it fully until later. For now, I want you to understand that there are a LOT of singles out there—a lot of people who struggle with this question—and LOTS of other challenges that come with singleness. In fact, a recent census reported that about 86 million singles live in the U.S. And—as more and more people decide to get married later—as the divorce rate climbs—as couples choose to live together instead of getting married, that number continues to increase. By the way, married couples with kids, which used to be the norm, now make up only about 25% of our population.
And lest you married people think a sermon on singlehood doesn’t apply to you, I would remind you that singleness makes up a large portion of life, either at the front or at the back end. Think of it this way. Suppose you are marred at age 26, your spouse dies when you are 70 and you live to be 82. You would have been marred 44 years, but you would be single for 38 years. My point is that the challenges of singleness applies to us all. In fact, show of hands, how many of you have been or are now single? Feel free to chuckle but do you get my drift? Everyone has a stake in this sermon—and not just because we are all single at one time. We all have a stake in this because as a church we are responsible to helping bear the burdens of all our members—including those who are single. Sadly—most pastors never deal with this issue that affects us all. In fact, up until today I have only preached on the subject of singleness a single time.
In any case, the information in this sermon is not drawn from e-Harmony or Dr. Phil. No—it’s coming straight from the pages of the Bible. So with that in mind, take your copy of God’s Book and turn to 1st Corinthians 7. Follow along as I read verses 25-40:
25 – Now about virgins: I have no command from the Lord,but I give a judgment as one who by the Lord’s mercy is trustworthy.
26 – Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for a man to remain as he is.
27 – Are you pledged to a woman? Do not seek to be released. Are you free from such a commitment? Do not look for a wife.
28 – But if you do marry, you have not sinned;and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.
29 – What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short.From now on those who have wives should live as if they do not;
30 – those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep;
31 – those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away.
32 – I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord.
33 – But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—
34 —and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit.But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband.
35 – I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.
36 – If anyone is worried that he might not be acting honorably toward the virgin he is engaged to, and if his passions are too strong and he feels he ought to marry—he should do as he wants. He is not sinning.They should get married.
37 – But the man who has settled the matter in his own mind, who is under no compulsion but has control over his own will—and who has made up his mind not to marry the virgin—this man also does the right thing.
38 – So then, he who marries the virgin does right, but he who does not marry her does better.
39 – A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.
40 – In my judgment,she is happier if she stays as she is—and I think that I too have the Spirit of God.
Ok—as I inferred a moment ago, if church families like ours are to be effective in the future, we must not forget the singles in our community. I think this has to be a CORE value of Redland—to grow we need to minister to this growing part of our population. In my opinion, we’re a little behind in this. So, how do we minister to singles in ways that both meet their unique needs and tap into their God-given potential?
(1) First, WELCOME them.
This is a vital core-value step because sadly singles often feel left out—they don’t feel welcomed. In fact, many times the Church entertains biases against singles. In his book, THE BABY BOOMERANG, Doug Murren says, “Marriage is perceived as being part of the success ethic, of being a total person. Being single is perceived as being flawed. Singles have been unfairly and unkindly treated as a kind of oddity—persons that others have to tolerate until they get married. This attitude is the result of a basic disposition in the Church that if you’re not married, you’re out of the will of God.”
Murren is right. The most commonly held view of relationships within the church community is that marriage is the highest form of relationship. The thought is that to be married is to be normal which implies that those who have never been married are then incomplete or unfinished. And with this mindset—often without meaning to—we say hurtful things to singles:
- “What’s a nice girl like you doing unmarried?”
- “Found anyone to date yet?”
- “I have a niece who would be perfect for a great young man like you.”
Parents say that; relatives say that. Family reunions are notorious for those kinds of comments. And, as I said, Christians say that. But Jesus never said that. He said He would lead His followers to a life of meaning and purpose and fulfillment. But He never said He would play match-maker.
So—one thing we must do is stop treating singleness as if it was a disease. We need to welcome them as they are—providing opportunities for them to grow and get involved in ministry.
You know, in a very real sense the Christians who worship together each week within these walls are a family—and Webster’s dictionary defines a “FAMILY” as: “people living in the same house” or “a group of people related by ancestry.” Well, both of those definitions apply to us here at Redland.
- We spend a lot of time in the same “house” located at 6922 Muncaster Mill Road.
- We are also a group of people related by ancestry. We are brothers and sisters with the same heavenly Father.
So we definitely have both elements that go into making up a family—a home. As Paul says in Galatians 6:10 we are indeed a “household of faith.” Since this is true, we have a responsibility to constantly work to improve not just our biological families but this church “family” as well. My point in sharing this bit of information with you is to remind you that this church family is made up not just of family groups—but of individuals as well—SINGLES who come into this home located at 6922 Muncaster Mill Road to find family.
This week I read about a family that had gone to the movies, and on the way in the teenager of the family stopped by the refreshment stand to pick up some popcorn. By the time he got into the theater the lights were already dim. He scanned the theater and evidently couldn’t find his family. He paced up and down the aisle searching the crowd in the near-darkness. As the lights began to go down even further he stopped and asked out loud, “Does anyone recognize me?”
I thought of this story because when singles come into this church they want a family. They walk THESE aisles looking for people who will “recognize” them—loved ones who will call out to them and say in essence, “We are your family. Come ‘SIT’ with us! You are loved here. You are valued here. You are an integral part of this church family!”
We need to WELCOME our single family members—invite them in to leadership—get to know them—help bear their burdens—and include them in family circles
(2) A second thing we must do for our singles is CAUTION them.
Specifically, those singles who yearn to get married need their church family members to caution them—to lovingly warn them be patient—and trust God’s timing. We need to tell them not to be too eager—not to rush things—teaching them that there is something worse than being single—a bad marriage for example.
Here’s my point—marriage is wonderful but it was never meant to be a cure-all. I mean, people often marry because they feel incomplete—usually because we tell them they are! But the fact is, people who marry can be just as “incomplete” as those who do not. I mean, there is this universally accepted notion that a quick walk down the center aisle will usher a person into the halls of complete human happiness and bliss. But in reality, it might and it might not. The key to lasting happiness is not to ask God to change your circumstances but to ask Him to change you.
Many people seem to think that marriage will turn them into happy, complete people because they believe marriage has the ability to change a person. They think, “I’m unhappy but that’s just because I’m not married. If I get married, I will become happy.” But in truth,
- An unhappy single person will be an unhappy married person.
- A bitter, angry, single person will be a bitter, angry, married person.
- A greedy single person will be a greedy married person.
- An impatient single person will be an impatient married person.
Saying “I DO” does not change people. In fact, without the transforming power of the Holy Spirit, when it comes to a marriage partner, what you see is what you get. And sadly sometimes what you see before marriage is better than what you get after marriage. So—our singles need to be cautioned. We need to help them see that marriage is not the key to happiness and completeness. Neither is it the key to ending loneliness.
A single person once wrote,
“I can’t think of anything I hate more than being alone. Everywhere I turn I see couples—couples on television, couples in cars, couples on planes, couples in restaurants. Everywhere there are reminders that I am alone. I wonder if I will ever find a person to fill the hole in my heart.”
The truth is that there are millions of lonely, married people. They may share a table, a sofa, and even a bed but they still feel lonely. They may even have an ideal marriage–a genuinely intimate and loving relationship and still feel lonely deep inside. Because of this I disagree with the words of that old pop song from the 70’s by the rock group THREE DOG NIGHT. ONE ISN’T THE LONELIEST NUMBER. You can be married and be just as—or even more—lonely than you were when you were single. This is because God created us for not one but two levels of relational intimacy. One level CAN be met by establishing a deep, honest, trusting relationship with a marriage partner. But the other level can only be met by entering into an authentic, growing relationship with God through Jesus Christ. A good marriage to the right person, entered into under God’s direction and nurtured carefully, can go a long way toward meeting the human need for intimacy; that the Bible calls ONENESS. But within every human heart there remains a hole that only God can fill. No marriage partner will make you feel like you are a whole person. No friend, lover, or spouse can provide soul— “S-O-U-L” —satisfaction. Only God can do that.
So the secret to completeness—to true joy and fulfillment in life—is not in our marital state. It is in our spiritual state. Only a personal relationship with God can bring us true contentment. One doesn’t have to be the loneliest number—because ONE person PLUS God equals contentment, completeness—even JOY.
That late, great single, Corrie ten Boom, once said, “God does not take away from us. He might ask us to turn our backs on something, or someone we should not have. But God never takes away, God gives. Often He protects us from someone we should not have because He has a far greater purpose for our lives. Happiness is not found in marriage or work or ministry or children. Happiness is found in a balanced relationship with Jesus.”
This should help remind us not to prejudge our singles as unhappy and incomplete. Paul—one of Christendom’s most famous singles, said that because of his relationship with Christ—he had learned “to be content in any state.” And by the way, Paul was a single. In 1st Corinthians 7:8, he says, “Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: it is good for them to stay AS I AM.”
The word for “unmarried” here is “agomoi” and it means “previously married” which tells us Paul was married at one time—but apparently his wife died. But to correct something I said last week—and I’m thankful to Gary Moore for pointing this out—Paul wasn’t the most famous single in the Bible—JESUS was! In any case, we should caution our singles to learn to be content in their current state.
(3) This leads me to mention a third thing we should do for our singles. We must REMIND them.
They need to be reminded that is SINGELNESS should be seen not as a curse—but as a gift from God—because singles can do things—and many times do them better than marrieds. Referring to his own single state Paul said, “I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.” (verse 7) So singleness can be a gift—and like all gifts from God it must be cherished. To be clear, it may be a temporary gift—just for a season of your life—so don’t waste it. There are things you can do as a single—that you can’t once God guides you to marriage.
Another great single, John Stott, would get up every morning and pray for 4 hours. He gave his life to the study of God’s Word and has blessed countless thousands. He couldn’t have been as effective as he was—if he had to worry about a wife and children. Henrietta Mears was a creative visionary who wrote books, established a Christian publishing house, started Forest Home Christian Camp—and led some very influential men and women to faith in Jesus. She was an important source of encouragement for Billy Graham when he was just starting out as an evangelist. There probably wasn’t a man alive who was capable of marrying Henrietta without stifling her creativity so God kept her single. She and the other singles down through the years shook their world for the cause of Christ because instead of complaining about their state they accepted singleness as a gift from God. And please understand. Paul is not saying that marriage is bad—he’s just underscoring the fact that it’s not a prerequisite for happiness—or for doing great—incredibly fulfilling—things in life.
So—in answer to our question: Which is better: marriage or singleness? Well, it depends. It depends on where you are in life. It depends on God’s call. Marriage isn’t necessarily right and singleness is not necessarily wrong. Both can be wonderful when embraced as God’s leading.
Referring back to good ole George Bailey—he helped a lot of people get homes when he was single—and after he was married he and Mary did. Remember how many people came to put money in the basket to help at the end of the movie—as a reflection of how much he—and Mary—had helped them?
In any case, my point here is that singles need to be reminded—that they aren’t necessarily missing out and those of us who are married need to be reminded of this as well. Singleness is indeed a legitimate option in life. In fact, Paul reminds his readers that in view of the current CRISIS—remaining single may be best. Now—what “crisis” was he referring to? Some say the imminent return of Jesus—some say it was all the persecution of Christians—some say the fall of Jerusalem. We may not know until we get to Heaven but the principle is this: life is temporary—so we must use every minute doing things of eternal significance. And the fact is, this can be easier for singles. Again—don’t misunderstand me—being married is a gift just as much as being single—but being married takes time and energy. I remember, when I first went to seminary—as a single man—all my possessions fit in the back of my car. I moved all my stuff into my dorm room by myself in two trips. When Sue and I married and moved into Seminary Village—our possessions filled the back of my car—and a small U-haul. It took Sue and I and some friendly seminarians dozens of trips to get our stuff in the apartment. When we moved to Derwood with three kids—we required a large moving truck, two cars, and three strong men. I lost count of how many trips they took to get it all in the house. When I was single—I was only responsible for my own finances. Once we married—I was responsible for Sue’s and then our children’s clothing, healthcare, college education, etc.
My point is that married people have more things to worry about than singles—which makes singles free-er—and more-able to do certain things. Sandy Wehunt’s middle child, Tad, was a missionary Journeyman for two months. Tad climbed all over the hills and mountains of Albania lugging a projector so he could show The Jesus Film to people in remote villages who had never heard the Gospel. Tad is married now with a little baby—and whereas he CAN minister in new ways—there will be no more hiking through Albania for Tad. The simple truth is that most single people have more free hours to invest in the service of God than most married people do. And, I’m not saying that every single person should choose to remain single forever. But rather that every single person should submit his or her singleness to God, and use this era of freedom, for as long as it lasts, to serve God unhindered.
You know, these days the phrase, CARPE DIEM or SEIZE THE DAY, is popular. Well if you are single I would encourage you to take that a step further and CARPE TEMPUS or SEIZE THE SEASON! Take advantage of the unique ministry opportunities that are available to you as a single person! The church of Jesus Christ needs more men and women who will mature enough to let God use them even in their singleness. In his book The Rich Single Life Andrew Farmer writes: “Undivided devotion to the Lord is the essence of Biblical identity for the single adult. It is rooted in the sovereignty of a God who places people in appropriate situations for the best possible reasons. It is steeped in the love of a God who uses even the most difficult of situations for the greatest possible benefit. It is sustained by the wisdom of a God whose timing is perfect and whose guidance is sure. If you are a Christian, don’t despise the state to which you have been called. Live in the gift of your singleness for as long as you have the gift. And whether or not God ever ordains the prospect of marriage for your life, bring faith for the present and hope for the future, because there is much to be done. Who better to set a hand to the task than you?”
(4) A fourth way to minister to our singles is to ENCOURAGE them.
Specifically, we must encourage them to cultivate deep, caring relationships—and as a church we need to provide opportunities for that through small groups, Sunday School Classes, etc. You see, every healthy human being, whether married or not, needs friends. Everyone needs people who will pray with them—people who will encourage them to grow in Christlikeness—people who will support them when they carry large responsibilities—people who will listen to their doubts and fears, and who will celebrate their joys. And these friends don’t necessarily need to be other singles. In fact, I love it when a family group reaches out to include a single—I love it when an elderly person adopts a younger person. Intergenerational friendships can be wonderful.
And then—another reason singles need close Christian friends—friends that stick closer than a brother—is to lovingly admonish them to live a sexually pure lifestyle. Paul refers to this back in verse 9, and he alludes to it throughout the entire chapter.
How many of you are fans of the old sit-come, Friends? I mention this because I think there are a number of people today—not all people, but a number of people today—who are messing up in the purity area—because they have fully embraced what is called the “Theology of Friends.” Let me explain. The story line of Friends contains the message that living together and having an open relationship is not only NOT wrong—it’s normative. Think about it. Do the six characters of Friends ever admonish each other after a one-night stand? No—if anything Friends and shows like it encourages that kind of thing. According to the Theology of Friends, living together is actually a way to test the compatibility of the relationship without going through the whole marriage commitment thing. But TRUE theology—theology based on God’s Word clearly says that if you’re a Christian who loves God and you plan to remain single, there must be a strategy for sexual purity in that plan.
One final point and I’m done and it’s this, when it comes to the singles God sends our way,
(5) We can and must LEARN from them.
As I said earlier—it’s easier for singles to be single-minded—and as we minister alongside our SINGLES we can ALL learn to do this. We can learn that people who embrace the quality of SINGLE-MINDED DETERMINATION have amazing POWER at their disposal. You see people who vacillate between purposes in life are weak and ineffective. James 1:8 warns us that “a double-minded man is unstable in all his ways.”
As I’m sure you know, our hectic culture embraces a form of double-mindedness known as “multi-tasking.” Texting while driving? No problem. Watching television and reading the Bible? No problem. Checking your email while listening to a spouse, a child, a friend or a sermon? No problem. In reality, however, according to a team of researchers at Stanford University, multi-tasking causes BIG problems. A Stanford University news service article announced the study this way: “Attention, multitaskers (if you can pay attention, that is): Your brain may be in trouble.” The researchers originally set out to discover what gave multitaskers their special focus; instead, they were surprised to discover that in many ways multitasking impairs performance. So while many people think they’re effective at juggling multiple tasks, they’re actually pretty lousy at it.
For instance, heavy multitaskers are suckers for distraction and for irrelevancy. According to one of the researchers, “Everything distracts them.” Multitaskers were also more unorganized in their ability to keep and retrieve information. They were even worse at the main thing that defines multitasking: switching from one task to the next. Heavy multitaskers underperformed in almost every area of the study. The study concluded with this advice: “By doing less, you might accomplish more.” And this makes sense doesn’t it!? People who are single-minded can focus their efforts—and God’s Word teaches that all Christians are to embrace this attitude.
Paul expressed his own single-minded outlook by saying, “This ONE THING I do.” —and we should follow his example. Listen. The most important thing for all Christians, married or single, is to keep the main thing the main thing—ant that main thing is to follow Jesus’ guidance and determine to—SEEK FIRST THE KINGDOM OF GOD.”
Understand—the word, “SEEK” implies a strong-minded, focused pursuit. The Greek literally says, “Keep on continually seeking” the things that further the Kingdom of God. That has to be our singe-minded focus because this world and everything in it is passing away. Listen to these words from 1 John 2:15-17: “Do not love the world or the things of the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life is not from the Father, but is from the world. And the world is passing away and also its lusts but the one who does the will of God abides forever.” Since the things of this world are passing away, Christians are to give focused devotion to those things that do last forever.
Before he died in 1978, another famous single, Bob Pierce, founder of Samaritan’s Purse wrote,
“On my deathbed, I have one message only. I don’t care what you have attempted, what you have succeeded at, or what has been your work in Christ’s Name while you are here on earth. Only ONE thing matters when you have reached the last step before you go to stand before Christ: Did you show—and tell—men and women Who Jesus is? Did you bring them to some comprehension of His redeeming love? Did you make it plain to them that He alone can pay their way to Heaven through His atoning death on the cross?” Bob Pierce knew that only eternal things were important in life. He knew that all Christians married and single must be SINGLE-MINDED—in their efforts to fulfill the Great Commission.