Ephesians 5:25 – Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her
26 – to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the Word,
27 – and to present her to Himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
28 – In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
29 – After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church—
30 – for we are members of His body.
31 – “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”
32 – This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.
33 – However, each one of you must also love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Several years ago I was browsing through a gift shop in Gatlinburg, Tennessee when I happened to see a display of new books for sale. I am always attracted to books so I quickly scooted past the seemingly endless shelves of nicknacks and souvenirs inviting me to “SEE ROCK CITY,” and began to scan the book TITLES. I was immediately drawn to a huge book entitled, Everything Men Know About Women. Thinking that I could glean some practical wisdom on a very important subject, I eagerly picked it up and began to leaf through it’s pages…only to discover that every page was blank. As you can see in this slide, the book was a joke—designed to humorously point out that in all truthfulness, men know absolutely NOTHING about women. Even Sigmund Freud admitted, “Despite my 30 years of research into the feminine soul, I have not yet been able to answer the great question, ‘What does a woman want?’”
All kidding aside, I feel more than a little bit NERVOUS as I approach today’s subject. I mean, attempting to do justice in explaining a woman’s unique wants and needs in one sermon is an impossible task. But—I DO want to be quick to point out that spouses trying to understand each other better can be a source of great JOY in marriage. Let me put it this way, husbands and wives spend their entire lives involved in the ADVENTURE of trying to understand each other’s needs which is a good thing…because it means in a Godly marriage there is never a dull moment.
I must also say at the onset of this message that one of the reasons it can be challenging for a man to understand a woman’s wants and needs—and vice versa—is because God made us so very DIFFERENT. In Genesis it doesn’t say that God simply cloned Adam when he needed a help-mate. No—When God created woman, He created a wonderful creature that He intentionally made different from man. Men and women are indeed unique. And of course HUMOR relating to this subject abounds.
- It has been said that a man won’t hesitate to pay $2 for something worth a $1 if he really wants it.
- On the other hand a woman won’t hesitate to pay $1 for something worth $2 even she doesn’t want it.
- A woman marries a man expecting him to change.
- A man marries a woman hoping that she won’t change.
Now—why should we devote sermon time to this subject? Why is it important for men to understand women and vice versa?
A. First, God’s Word is clear on the fact that we should attempt to do so.
1st Peter 3:7 says, “You husbands likewise live with your wives in an understanding way.”
And 1st Corinthians 7:3 it says, “A man should fulfill his duty as a husband and a woman should fulfill her duty as a wife and each should satisfy the other’s needs.”
Of course if we are to satisfy each other’s needs we would have to know what they are, so it is clear that God WANTS us to understand each other.
This God-ordained understanding begins when we realize that many of our differences aren’t due to GENDER.
For example, some of us are morning people. We get up at 5AM ready and rarin’ to go. Others don’t really “wake up” until around10 o’clock at night. And….being an AM or a PM person has nothing to do with whether you are a man or a woman. Some people—both male and female—are incredible neat freaks. They believe in a place for everything and everything in its place. Others are like the little guy in PEANUTS…..the one named “Pig Pen”….in that they are just by nature messy people. There are many reasons to explain these differences—ranging from how we were raised, to our birth order, to inherited personality traits—NONE of which has anything to do with gender.
On the other hand there are obvious differences in people that ARE due to gender.
For example, men tend to be physically stronger than women. But—whereas men are usually stronger in the UPPER part of their bodies—many women can equal or even surpass men in LOWER body strength…which comes in handy when babies need to be born. This lower body strength is why women tend to do better than men in long distance activities like running and swimming. Did you know that the women’s best time in swimming the English Channel is three hours better than the a man’s best time? Of course this may have to do with the fact that the women swimmers were not afraid to ask directions!
Here are some more “gender differences.”
- Women tend to live 4-8 years longer than men.
- A woman’s metabolism is slower than a man’s….so it is harder for her to lose weight.
- Women have larger kidneys, liver, stomach, and appendix than men. A woman’s heart beat’s faster than a man’s.
- They withstand high temperatures better than men do.
So you see, the fact is men and women are physically different inside and out and we need to know this…because God’s Word teaches that we should learn to understand our different needs and wants.
B. But, a second reason to deal with this subject is because it is very difficult for a husband and wife to enjoy any level of INTIMACY unless they really do understand each other.
Larry Crabb writes, “There is a fundamental flaw [these days] in the way we create intimacy…that has to do with our having lost the uniqueness of what it means to relate to one another as men and women.” Think about it. Husbands and wives are supposed to live together, sleep together, eat together, spend money together, vacation together, socialize together, raise children together, worship together, and so on. How can we do this in a way that brings us fulfillment and joy—and at the same time glorifies God—if we don’t understand each other? We can’t. When we SELFISHLY don’t care about our spouse’s unique needs this becomes an impossible and painful task. The fact is, if marriage is to work the way God intends, then both partners have to learn to DENY self. They need to orient themselves toward understanding and meeting each other’s needs. Crabb also writes, “With selfishness in control, every effort to improve the relationship will create new problems…only when the central problem of self-centeredness is faced first and squarely can a desire to do right develop…then God’s instructions become a delight, rather than a box to squeeze into, or an imposition on our freedom.”
In our text from Ephesians it says that men are to love their wives in a SELFLESS way. So, a good marriage relationship is one in which each partner willingly and actively devotes whatever he or she has to the well-being of the other.
And before I go any further I want to compliment you as a church because it is clear to me from your responses to the little survey I circulated…that husbands WANT to understand their wives and vice versa. I say this because I had 47 responses in eight days so it’s obvious to me that this is a “hot button issue” for you. Both husbands and wives yearn to be better understood! You want your marriage to be all God intends.
Well, my intent in this message is to do my best to somehow help this along. Today we’ll look at a few unique characteristics of women. And next week we’ll look at some of the distinct qualities that go into making men….men.
But, I have to say one more thing before we begin—and it’s that discussing the differences between men and women is a potentially DIVISIVE subject. To GENERALIZE that all women are a certain way can cause problems because we are all so unique and attempting to discuss our gender distinctiveness can make us respond defensively. It touches something deeply personal within us and we want to say…. “But I’m not like that.” So ladies and gentlemen, please forgive your pastor if it seems that I am lumping you in where you don’t belong. I’m simply trying to share some things that I pray will help us be better husbands, wives, and disciples of the Lord Who died for us all. In fact, one reason I decided to do these sermons is because I believe succeeding in marriage is linked to our journey toward BECOMING the people God wants us to be. I mean, you can’t be a growing Christ-follower and fail to be the kind of husband or wife God calls us to be.
So…back to the question of the day: “What DO wives wish their husbands knew about women?” I think one of the first things our wives would want us to know is that…
(1) They have EMOTIONAL needs.
More specifically, women need to have their husbands express UNCONDITIONAL LOVE to them. And, we see this principle emphasized in verse 25 of today’s text where Paul exhorts husbands to love their wives in the same way that Christ loved the church. Colossians 3:19 says “Husbands give your wife much love and never treat her harshly.” I could go on and on citing texts because the fact is throughout Scripture we are encouraged to love our spouses unconditionally.
Unfortunately…most husbands would confess that COMMUNICATING this kind of love to their wives can often be a DIFFICULT thing. I’m not saying this to infer that women are emotionally DENSE—but rather because people—male and female alike—COMMUNICATE love in different ways. In Gary Chapman’s classic book, The Five Love Languages, he does a great job of helping us understand not only the NEED to communicate love but HOW to do so. Just curious…how many of you have read Chapman’s book? If you have, you know that he points out that people don’t always speak the same “love language.”
So, if we are to make our marriage’s work—if we are to satisfy our wife’s emotional need to feel unconditional love—then we need to discover and use her particular love language. Let’s briefly review the five ways Chapman says we tend to communicate love.
A. Some people understand they are loved through WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
These people hear and receive affection best from a steady diet of encouraging words and sincere compliments. Some great Scriptural examples are found in the SONG OF SOLOMON because it is written in this “love language.” Throughout its pages Solomon VERBALLY expresses his love for his wife…complimenting her again and again. Listen to some excerpts:
- Your HAIR…..well, it’s like a flock of goats!
- Your TEETH…your teeth are like freshly shorn sheep!
- Your NECK…it reminds me of an ivory tower!
- Your NOSE…why, it’s just like the tower of Lebanon!
Now, for some reason these word pictures worked back then…but don’t try to use them today! If this is her love language, find more current illustrations of your wife’s beauty! And several Redland wives obviously have this love language. Listen to these examples and you’ll see what I mean: In one of your surveys one wife said, “I wish my husband knew that kind and encouraging words go a long way toward making me happy and content.” And with some women words do exactly that—which means that some of you husbands need to learn to express love like Solomon did chapter 4:7 when he wrote to his wife and said, “You are all beautiful my darling. There is no flaw in you”
B. Others feel loved when their husbands spend QUALITY TIME with them….
…when they simply take the time to meaningfully interact with them. Several wives who responded to my survey apparently value this love language. Here’s a sampling of their responses. One said, “I wish my husband knew how important time he spends with the family is to me and how hurtful it is when he chooses not to spend time with us but with his buddies.”
Another said, “It would be nice if my husband planned ahead more. The day of ‘date night’ is not the time to be discussing what to do on ‘date night.’” Another said, “I need to have candle light dinners at least six times a year.” Another said, “Material gifts are not important to me. Time spent together is more important to me and the family.” Quality time means giving someone your undivided attention…sitting on the couch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking for 20 minutes or more. I know that may sound like agony to some of you men but the fact is for their relationship to grow, ALL husbands and wives need quality time together…and that’s not happening enough these days. One study reported that in a typical week, the average married couple spends a total of a mere 37 minutes of time together. That’s less than one-half of one percent of your time. Not much love can be shared in those brief moments!
C. A third “love language” is that of GIVING AND RECEIVING GIFTS.
Some women hear “I love you” when their husbands give them meaningful things—not BIG things—MEANINGFUL things. One Redland wife wrote on her survey, “I love roses!” Another said, “It’s nice to be remembered in tangible ways…spontaneous flowers, notes, cards, treats, etc. mean a lot.” People like these wives…people who communicate love in this way…they feel unconditional love when their spouses give them something that they can hold in their hands and say, “He was thinking of me.”
Now men, let’s be clear…this is not getting your wife something that shows you were thinking of YOURSELF like those husbands who give their wives a drill press or a brand new wheelbarrow for on mother’s day. No—give them things that are meaningful expressions of your love for THEM and they will feel loved!
D. Other women feel loved through PHYSICAL DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION.
This may involve something as simple as holding hands or an arm around her shoulder. One Redland wife wrote, “Wives just wanna be held. Relaxing in each other’s arms….in no hurry…sounds good to me.” Another agreed and said that she wished her husband knew that quote, “Many times when I am frustrated, tense, even somewhat irrational in my thinking, all I really need from him is a HUG.”
And—we should note that simple displays of affection—like hugs—have all kinds of benefits—and not just for women. Life insurance companies did a study recently and found that men who kiss their wives every day before they go to work have fewer accidents on their commute. They also discovered that men who kissed their wives the last thing before they go to bed at night live longer than other men. Statistics also show that men who put their arms around their wives during the sermon time on Sundays increase their life spans by decades…just kidding on this one…but the same study DID find that men earned more money at their place of employment if they regularly showed physical affection for their wives. So this is a very beneficial love language to master!
E. And then, last but not least, other people communicate love through ACTS OF SERVICE.
These are actions which express a willingness to meet daily needs….doing things like: helping around the house, keeping the car filled up with gas, taking out the trash, or fulfilling other basic responsibilities. The fact is, some women “hear” “I love you” best when their husbands DO THINGS for them. One Redland wife expressed this love language on her survey when she wrote, “Care is SHOWN—not only spoken. It is hard to believe the WORDS of love and care without seeing it in action. Care is also in LITTLE THINGS. Care for the house will lead to much belief in care for me.” Another said,“I wish my husband paid attention enough to anticipate my needs. To do things before I even have to ask. When he sees dirty dishes, clothes that need to be put away…just do it so I don’t feel like I’m nagging. ‘SEE A NEED, FILL A NEED.’” Both of these wives HEAR love…feel loved BEST…through this fifth love language: acts of service.
Now, if you wonder what your particular love language is—it’s fairly simple to discern.
You can do this by answering a couple simple questions:
- First of all, ask yourself, “What do I request most from others in my significant relationships?” What we REQUEST—whether it be gifts or physical touch or whatever—is very likely our love language.
- Another question to ask is, “How do I most consistently express love in my most significant relationships?” What you DO best is another indicator of your love language.
Husbands and wives….ask yourself these questions today….and then go somewhere with your wife and share your answers. Learn to speak in each other’s love language. Do this because women—AND MEN—have EMOTIONAL needs…they need to feel loved.
A second thing that I think women would want their husbands to understand is that…
(2)…they have RELATIONAL needs.
More specifically, they need to believe that their husbands are completely committed to the marriage relationship. I think this kind of deep intimacy is what Paul is referring to in today’s text when he says, “Husbands and wives will become one…” The fact is RELATIONSHIPS are very important to women, which is probably why I had three times as many surveys turned in by Redland women as I did by Redland men. The Genesis account infers that this particular characteristic was part of woman’s original design. Remember? God created Adam first and placed him in the garden. He gave him the responsibility of keeping the garden and naming the animals. Then, since Adam had no partner and was lonely, God made Eve. So, whereas Adam was TASK-oriented, Eve was RELATIONSHIP-oriented. Both Adam and Eve were made as God’s representatives; both were to work toward the building of this new world. Both of their identities and security would come from their relationship to God—but their APPROACH TO LIFE would differ.
Men are geared to focus on accomplishing tasks and women on building relationships. For this reason women tend to be INTERDEPENDENT while men tend to be INDEPENDENT. Men tend to COMPETE; women tend to COOPERATE. By the way, fellow husbands, we should realize that our wives’ natural ability to develop relationships can actually help US fulfill Jesus’ command to love others. You see…our wives are naturally better at building meaningful relationships with other people than we are. We benefit from their skill. No wonder God said, “It is not good for man to be alone.” Men and women just naturally make a great team!
Husbands should also understand that, since women tend to be relationally-oriented, WORDS are very important to them. This is another lesson we should learn from our helpmates in this because as Proverbs 13:17 says, “Reliable communication permits progress.” Women can teach us a thing or two when it comes to using words because they’ve been using them longer than we have. In fact, studies show that females learn to TALK sooner than males do. There was a study done in which they rigged special microphones to record the noises that come out the mouths of little girls and boys. They found that 100% of the noises coming out of the mouths of little girls had something to do with conversation. They were either conversing with somebody else or conversing with someone imaginary or conversing with themselves. All of the noises that little girls, aged 2-4 were making had to do with conversation. For little boys, it was discovered that only 60% of the sounds coming out of their mouths had to do with conversation. The other 40% were simply noises of animals or machines. So, the truth of the matter is that men start off behind women in talking and we never catch up. Little girls have a better ability to converse and communicate than little boys and this becomes a lifelong habit. This is why women who hardly know each other can have a long and meaningful conversation. Perhaps you’ve heard of the husband who said, “Just the other night my wife was on the phone for nearly 30 minutes. When she hung up, I asked her ‘Who was that?’ She said, ‘Wrong number.’” Unfortunately, communication is one of the greatest sources of DIFFICULTY between men and women. Women talk to EXPRESS EMOTIONS…whereas men talk to SOLVE PROBLEMS. Men tend to connect by DOING THINGS….women tend to connect by SAYING THINGS. Listen to the following conversation between a husband and wife and you’ll see what I mean.
A wife comes home from work and says, “I hate my job!” The loving husband responds by saying, “Well, why don’t you quit then?” “No,” she says, “It’s just that there’s so much work to do and not enough people.” The husband says, “Well, then tell your boss to hire some help for you.” She retorts, “Oh, why can’t you ever just listen to me?” And he, genuinely confused says, “I am listening you. If you didn’t want my advice, why did you bring up the subject.”
You see the man was focused on DOING something….the wife was focused on relationship and on being HEARD. One Redland wife expressed this on her survey when she wrote, “I want to be heard, not necessarily have my problems solved.” Another said, “I wish he knew how much I need him to really LISTEN to me.” These wives said this because women have unique RELATIONAL NEEDS….they need us to listen. This tells them that we are as committed to their relationship as they are.
And then I think that husbands need to understand one other thing about their wives. Not only do they have EMOTIONAL and RELATIONAL needs….
(3)…they also have SPIRITUAL needs.
Husbands must understand their wives’ need for holiness because, like men, women have an inborn yearning to know God personally. Women are not just physical beings. No—like us, they are mind and spirit. And….you know, in a day when women are excelling in so many areas of life, it is worth my pausing for a moment to remind women how important it is that they excel spiritually. As a woman the only way to reach your full potential in life is through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. But…there is another reason I want to remind women of their need for a personal walk with Jesus. I do so because of all your incredible RESPONSIBILITIES. Women wear so many hats. They serve as cook, maid, nurse, telephone operator, policeman, valet, clothier, seamstress, gardener, interior decorator, photographer, secretary, educator, financial planner, cheerleader, spiritual advisor, chauffeur, and psychologist. Years ago Bill Jones told me that he read in the paper that it has been calculated that if husbands had to hire out all the things that women do…it would cost them nearly a half million dollars per year! With inflation, I’m afraid to find out what it would cost TODAY.
Women need a personal relationship with God so He can provide them with the strength, discernment, perseverance, wisdom, and protection that is required if they are to do all they have to do these days. Women should hear and act on the invitation of Jesus in Matthew 11:28 when He said: “Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me for I am humble and gentle in heart and you will find rest for your soul.”
And husbands….we need to realize that women need more than a relationship with God. They also need a HUSBAND who has a personal relationship with God. A wife needs a husband who will help nurture her personal holiness. I believe that Paul was thinking of this when he wrote verse 26 which says that men are to love their wives in the same way that Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her to, “…make her holy by the washing of water through the Word.”
Wives yearn for husbands who will help stimulate and nurture their own spiritual growth. They hunger for a helpmate who will join them in the adventure of growing closer and closer to God each and every day, a man who will study the Bible with them and pray with them regularly. You know, contrary to popular belief, the most intimate thing a husband and wife can do together is not make physical love. No—husbands and wives are MOST intimate when they honestly pray together—as side by side they talk to God confessing their sin….sharing their fears….asking for His guidance. And husbands, wives want this kind of spiritual relationship with their husbands. One survey respondent here at Redland said I wish my husband knew: “…How important it is for me to have the Lord in my life and how I would love to have him come to church with me. I would love to have a family that reads and studies the Bible together…..”
In a recent issue of DISCIPLESHIP JOURNAL, Frank Martin writes that nothing brings spouses closer together during times of conflict than praying together. While reading together in the book of Mark he and his wife noticed an interesting aspect of the story of the disciples trying unsuccessfully to drive an evil spirit out of a boy. In chapter 9, Jesus found His disciples arguing with the teachers of the law about this. Jesus asked them, “What are you arguing about?” A man answered, “I asked Your disciples to drive out the spirit, but they could not.” Then Jesus cast the evil spirit out of the boy and said, “This kind can come out only by prayer.” Martin writes, “How many times I wonder, does Jesus find husbands and wives arguing when they should be praying instead?” And I wonder this as well…..do we really know how much better our marriages could be if we took seriously our need to help each other grow spiritually? You see marriage was never meant to be a “duet.” It was meant to be a holy “trio” between a man and a woman who love each other and the God Whom they both serve. This is the way God set it up. He is to be the glue that holds every home together. As the Psalmist said, “Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it.” People who try to make their marriage work without God are like carpenters trying to build a house without a foundation. Brian Harbour affirms: “The greatest single cause of difficulty in the home today is lack of spiritual concern. Either purposely or inadvertently, we leave God out of our marriages.” So women need to have a relationship with God that is personal and growing…and they need husbands who shares this spiritual priority in their own lives.
To review….I think wives would want their husbands to know that….
- They have a need to feel unconditionally loved…they have EMOTIONAL NEEDS.
- They need to believe that husbands are completely committed to their relationship….they have RELATIONAL NEEDS.
- They need husbands who will help nurture their spiritual growth…THEY HAVE SPIRITUAL NEEDS.
I don’t want to make you men feel uncomfortable but I believe it would be good for us to make a commitment to do a better job of understanding our wives’ needs. Marriage is an adventure waiting to happen and today you may want to just squeeze your wife’s hand as a way of saying, “I want to begin the adventure of knowing you anew….TODAY.”
Then….you may be here today and have other decisions to make. Maybe all this talk about Jesus’ love for the church has made you want to respond to that love in a personal way. You want to know this love in your own life and today want to come committing your life to follow Jesus as Savior and Lord. Or you may feel led to join this church that Jesus loved and gave Himself for. We invite you to come as we stand and sing.